Category Archives: Hope

Cheetos in a teacup

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3-30-12     4:23am

Sometimes I wonder why I’m still awake at four o’clock in the morning, like tonight as I sit here eating my Cheetos out of a teacup. Chip bags are just annoying. And then something happens. Something always happens. Right as I started to think about heading for bed I got a crisis FB message. Now I’m chatting with said friend.

The conversation reminded me of something my doctor told me a few weeks ago. He said he doesn’t believe that I’m going to get better. I let the comment slide. Had I been feeling particularly awful it could’ve pushed me over the edge. But I’m not. It was actually helpful. After feeling upset for awhile, I decided that if I’m not going to get better I might as well have fun where I’m at. I don’t have to like it, but I don’t have to feel tortured by not healing. I spend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and how to fix it. It’s exhausting. It goes in waves. Energy, answer-seeking, exhaustion, loss of hope, lull, happy, hopeless, desperate, repeat. I’m not abandoning the cycle completely, but right now I’m not searching. I’m coping. My goal is to start LIVING.

Wow. What a concept. I don’t really understand this living thing. It’s always been about getting better and doing worse and fending off death. Or hastening death. But never about life… (ponder as I continue my crisis chat)

I never thought I’d live to be this old. 26. People say it’s a small number, that I’m young. I don’t see it that way. When I was little my dad had Huntington’s Disease. It’s a nasty illness that basically eats your brain and you die. And there was a good chance that I had it too. It wasn’t an option to consider the future. I still don’t even really understand what that means. So it baffles me when I realize I’m 26. Half the time (really more) I don’t remember how old I am and people think I’m either dramatically older or younger, depending on the day.

I’m not sure I want to embrace the concepts of life or future. It’s almost safer to just have now. If I expect to live ’til I’m 40 and then become terminally ill at 30, I’m gonna be pissed. But if I only expected to live ’til yesterday, it’s a prize. You know? They say life’s a bitch, but it’s much quieter.

Anyway, there’s always a reason that pops up when I think there’s no reason. Tonight it was a good one. I just wish my teacup of Cheetos was bottomless. DAMN! I just remembered I wanted to try eating them with chopsticks. Do I even own chopsticks? I don’t know.

It’s 4:45am and I can feel the wave of energy come over me. I would call it psychomotor agitation but it’s not unpleasant, more like a hyper puppy waiting to play. I still follow the sunrise rule but it’s dark out. I guess my internal sunrise comes sooner. That or I’m sensitive to Cheetos and crisis. I feel like a teenage girl about to meet Justin Beiber. Seriously. Only I’m alone in my kitchen talking to my invisible computer friends. Maybe one of them’s Justin Beiber. Could be. You never know. He could be randomly googling the Panda Express kids meal, which is oddly the number one thing people google to get to this blog. Who knew? Eat a kids meal, get new readers. Works for me. All for the low price of $4.95. Sweet. And sour. ;)

Gosh I’m bored. This darkness sunrise makes my thoughts race. I need to bounce up and down and yell and shout and sing and MOVE. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (deep breath) I should take my night meds.

I’m 26. I found a Subway today that still carries regular mayonnaise. Thank the good Lord. And the bad one too. I’ve yet to learn how to be a kid but it’s on my to do list. Workin’ on it. I should take my night meds. Stream of consciousness. Does a body good… So does Oscar the Grouch, and drugs, and Cheetos in a teacup. Here’s to hoping my friend lives.

Love, Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

You’re Just You: Wisdom from the Voice in My Head

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1/22/12     12:25pm

What’s wrong with you? You’re just you. Nobody else could be you. And they wouldn’t want to if they knew what it meant. And you’re pretty damn good at it. So keep doin’ it. You’re the only one who knows how.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

“Hi I’m Eric”

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Okay, so maybe this is a night of sharing, in the social media sense of the word. I just ran across this video on my mom’s Facebook page. I like the song so I decided to watch it. Totally made me cry.

Honesty is not something I’m good at, especially when it comes to feelings, sensitive information about myself, or in any other way allowing myself to be vulnerable. I admire this kid’s guts and bravery. Even if no one else ever saw the video, he put it out there.

Check it out.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

Shoutout to the Jedi

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12-25-10     11:04pm

I’m so grateful for Dr. Collan. My symptoms have improved drastically since seeing him. For those of you who know me, you’ll understand how much that means.

  • I’m not as tired all the time.
  • Not sleeping as much
  • Much less agitated
  • Less pain
  • Fewer headaches & migraines
  • Very few zaps/tics and zap storms
  • Less nausea and vomiting
  • Dizziness is rare
  • No tingling
  • Few tremors
  • Feel calmer
  • Less mood swings

Since I’m not freaking out about my body I don’t want to die. I’m not cured but I feel human again. I climbed stairs at church without stopping and without pain. I walked to 7-11 and lifted the turkey today.

I still have symptoms but they are less intense. Mostly cognitive and psych stuff. I feel mostly calm and pleasantly out of touch with reality. I need structure and can’t handle being rushed, but I get things done in my own time.

I ran across Dr. Collan quite by chance. (Dr. Collan Koeppen – aka Upper Cervical Jedi) Met him in a free check at a walk. I won the most fucked-up patient of the day award. I like that. ;) I bought a discount visit certificate and figured if no one else can help this couldn’t hurt. I never go by those booths and I don’t have lots of money to pay, but I’m so glad I stopped at this one. Glad I took a chance and believed.

Dr. Collan is kind and gentle, quite knowledgeable and rather funny too. Check out his website and try him out if your body ails you or you need a great chiropractor or you know someone who does. Tell him Michelle sent you. ;) Six weeks ago my body was falling apart and I was freaking out and wanted to die. My neurologist actually gave up on me. He said, “This is where the science ends.” Today I celebrated Christmas with my family, cooked and rode in the car for awhile and I didn’t freak out AND I wasn’t in pain – except when I hit my elbow on the door. ;) Miracle-worker I don’t know. But he’s damn good, that’s for sure.

Thanks, Dr. Collan. You’ve made my life worth living. I’m so thankful for you.

1-5-11     3:03am

Update – Saw my primary doctor today. He was both impressed and flabbergasted by the improvements. Lol. Said he’ll have to remember chiropractic really does work and remember to refer people. I certainly hope so.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Feelin’ Good

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11-6-10     9pm

Ugh. Long day. I wanted to feed the ducks but we didn’t get to that. An hour plus at a Super Walmart is more than I can comfortably handle. I can’t screen out excess stimuli and it’s just too much.

That said, I feel pretty good right now. I’m stuffed. We went to Janet’s Cafe for dinner and I had the best banana cream pie I’ve ever eaten.

Observe & Describe:

I feel warm, calm.
I see Zoe playing.
I hear Mom rustling plastic in the kitchen.
I feel my hair on my face.
I hear the cars outside.
I feel the air in my nose as I breathe.
I feel the texture of my bottom teeth with my tongue.
I see the colors of my pjs.
I notice the curve of my nails.
Feel the grip of the pen.
I feel tired, and content.
I feel all the places my body connects with the couch. I’m grateful it holds me up.
I hear an airplane.
I recognize I am breathing.

I am so grateful to be alive. God is good. :)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Gratitude

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11-5-10                11:46pm

I find lately that as my level of pain rises so does my level of gratitude, my ability to be in the moment and to appreciate the beauty in each little thing. I am so grateful for the hugs, and the colors, and the stitching. The air. The smell of a desert summer. Everything as a piece of art, unique in its own way. It feels good to feel grateful, even in the pain.

What I am grateful for tonight:

Sacha
Elijah
My ipod and its music
God
Chicken fingers
A soft couch
The roses
The tree in front of the hotel
Mags
Stephanie
My new pens
My new shoes
Sarah
The new piano guy
My mom
Pizza
Texting
Facebook
My clothes & my socks
My hairclip
My crayons
The trolley
My understanding of Mindfulness
My ability to laugh
My kitty
My networking skills
My memory
My ability to write
Jango
TV
My blog
Jazz music
Cool summer nights

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Great Quotes from Therapy

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11-6-10      4:04am

I am so thankful for my therapist. I had a great session with him this week. He is spot on sometimes and I just had to share these pearls of wisdom. He said:

“You’re a very good codependent.”
“He’s got muscles where his empathy should be.”
“That’s what happens when a poet meets a lumberjack.”
“These are the sticks between which you weave your safety net.”

-Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

The Forever Trap

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9-9-10                  11:40pm

I was talking to a friend tonight about her new boyfriend and she was all stressed that (in a nutshell) they’re not forever material, that everything’s not quite right. I thought about it. I do it all the time. I did it tonight. I talked to a guy I kind of like and, while it may have appeared to be a conversation, it was more like math – a puzzle or equation. Does he fit? Is he what I need? Are our lives compatible? In reality it doesn’t matter. I can’t control forever. All I have is tonight and even that’s out of my hands. But I always come back to that. The forever trap.

Sugarland has a song “Settlin’” that says “Mr. Right Now not Mr. Forever.” While I do want a Mr. Forever, I want a Mr. Right Now. Because right now IS forever and it’s gone in a blink.

Right now I am happy, and cold.
Right now my thumb hurts from texting.
Right now I’m not worried about my problems. I’m just riding the trolley one-mindfully.
Right now.
I like right now.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Wish

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8-30-10                2:34am

Dear Magical Wish-granting Fairy in the Sky,

I wish for a clogging studio, please. The one I see in my head. It’s one of those dream/wishes that’s not really possible but that I’ve been dreaming about since I was little. I’ve yet to find a genie or a shooting star or a sugar daddy or to find hidden treasure. I thought maybe you could help me out. It’s worth asking, right? So, please, if you could. Help a sister out. Thanks.

Michelle

Happy

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8-29-10                12ish pm

I feel happy, warm inside. Just saw K- in the bathroom. She said, “Keep your head up.” I do. I told her I feel more happy now that I’m sicker than when I was less sick. It’s weird, but nice. Last night was wonderful and then difficult, but today is good again. And I am so grateful for this moment.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

So Let’s Play

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8-23-10                2:33am

I feel peaceful tonight, calm. (big smile) Listening to worship music on YouTube.

I was thinking about Tick Tick Tick today. The ending was missing something. On the end it should say, “So let’s play.” I’m not waiting for anything. If today is what I have, I’m gonna have fun. And I think you should too. Let it rain. Feel the drops on your face and smile. (rocking but happy)

Tonight is a haze. My body hurts but I’m happy. I feel free. I don’t know or care why. I feel like something big is about to happen that God’s been preparing me for. I don’t know what, good or bad, or why. I just know that it’s coming and whatever it is He’s got my back.

I am so grateful for what He’s given me. For my unique perspective. And for the ability to see that it’s time to play. Writing last night about illness and death somehow made me happy. It peaks my anxiety, but it’s like letting go of what isn’t and grabbing on to what is. And I like what is, even if it isn’t perfect.

(wave of nausea and trouble breathing… yawn.)

I can’t speak for tomorrow, but tonight I love and accept myself. It’s like a big warm hug from God. :)

—

It feels like I’m standing in the ocean and my emotions are changed with each passing wave… but the waves aren’t knocking me down.

—

It’s time to say goodnight… It’s time to say goodnight… It’s time to say goodnight (goodnight). It’s time to say goodnight… It’s time to say goodnight… (repeat until sleeping ;) )

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Tick Tick Tick

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8-22-10                2:56am

I was listening to Sacha talk to this guy on Friday about his son, a singer who’s not living up to his potential. And there was something she said that sticks with me. It’s a very small and powerful phrase. “Tick tick tick.” He’s 24 and time’s a wastin’. There’s not much left.

It has a different meaning for me, but it’s generally the same.

Tick tick tick
Your life is almost over
Tick tick tick
Before you melt away
Should you stay one more day
What will you be?
Will you be free?
Will your dreams come true or will you watch them melt away, today?

Tick tick tick
I don’t know what time it is
Tick tick
Or what day, or the year
Tick
I don’t care.
I just want to be happy.
Tick
How to be happy … what was I saying?

Tick tick
I know the time is running
Tick tick tick
Faster than I can see
Tick tick tick
And soon I will catch up,
Or maybe it will catch me.
But hopefully when we meet we’ll have some good stories to tell,
Of dancing (tick) and singing (tick) and feeling mighty swell.
Cuz when we meet up (tick) I won’t be walking away.
Tick tick tick.
Just give me one more day.

I know my clock is ticking, in every meaning of the phrase. It makes me quiet and fills my face with vapor. Tick tick. (close my eyes and sigh…) I won’t be walking away.

(thought continued in So Let’s Play)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

I can’t remember, a test & permission

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8-22-10                1:35am

I can’t remember what I did for my birthday this year. I remember the night before at Bing Crosby’s and the black dress. I remember at Ralphs not letting them buy me cupcakes (I don’t like Ralphs’ cupcakes.) I remember opening the four cards Mom got me and the bouquet of flowers, but I have no idea what I did that day. Maybe I was sick. I know there was a plan and that it didn’t get followed… (flash) Dinner at Rubio’s. Yes. That wasn’t the plan though. I don’t even remember if I had a party sometime that week. This concerns me as I think it’s something I SHOULD remember. Don’t you?

(break to watch the rest of “Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again”)

I got out my ring last night that I bought when I tested negative for HD. I was thinking about it because last week Sacha mentioned wanting to buy herself an engagement ring and the ring I have is just that. I’d forgotten how beautiful it is. Sadly, after a few hours it hurt my finger so bad that I took it off. Apparently my fingers are fatter now. But I wondered what my reward to myself will be when I get the results of this upcoming test.

I’ve been waiting on a diagnosis for years now. And the list I was expecting from a friend is not coming so I called my neurologist Friday night on a break and told him which test I want him to order. There is one dx I’m looking at in particular. It’s called DRPLA. Good luck Googling it and finding anything useful. This is the best thing I found http://www.ataxia.org.uk/data/files/drpla.pdf. It seems to fit and I’m hoping it’s what I have – not because I want it but because I want an answer. I want a name, some validation. You know? I want to be able to say, “See, I’m not crazy. I DO have an illness and it has a name.” I’d have an answer for, “Why are you twitching?” I’d have some proof that’s it’s not, in fact, a conversion disorder but it is in my head. In my BRAIN, not my thoughts. In my fantasy today I would get this wonderful/awful news and have a Celebrate Life party. The news itself would be a relief. This part of the search would be over. However, if it’s not what I have, it would be devastating… I want to have that party. I want to know what’s going on.

I talked about it with my therapist this week. It’s great having a neurology professor as a therapist. I asked him if he had any tips on dealing with cognitive impairments and he said if it is cell death in that region of the brain the best thing I can do is dance. God is good, isn’t he? (big smile) I also bought a ping pong paddle and balls. It’s all part of the story, revealed one page at a time.

I’m so exhausted. I really should sleep now. I’m going to a piano thing tomorrow and have to be on the trolley in 8 hours. Yuck. Hopefully it’s worth it. Thanks for listening.

Love,

Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

So, how’s it goin’?

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6-10-10                 3:15am

I reached two milestones recently that I’m proud of myself for. I’ve been blogging now for 4 months (131 posts so far) and June 23rd will mark one year out of the hospital for me. Two major things.

Last year at this time I was inpatient for my longest stay thus far, 28 days. By this point in the stay I had reached East Wing 2 and was a bit better but I was seeing things and hearing original electric guitar music and thinking in pictures and all sorts of shit. Since then, I’ve managed to shake most of the craziness. I spent 8 months at Scripps and now I’m just with my doctors and the group. And FB, of course. And the blog.

Blogging has been such a gift. I’m grateful for Sacha and Traci and Andrew’s encouragement. I have a band of mostly silent invisible followers. It’s like having friends that listen and never talk back. Sometimes frustrating but mostly comforting. I’m so honored to know people read this. Blogging gives me a place to put my thoughts that I have no one else to tell, and gives me something to tell the people I have no thoughts to give. Lol. Nice. :) It’s exciting for me, gives me a point of reference, helps me remember. And it’s been big in helping me share with people.

Sharing your innermost thoughts with the entire world is scary. But less so when you don’t care what they think. I’m addicted to my stats page. Since only like 3 people ever leave comments it’s a gamble to see how many hits I have each day and what people are looking at. While it loads I guess. What number will it be today? Sometimes it’s predictable, but there was a day a few weeks back when I had a TON of people and I hadn’t posted anything in several days. Weird. Oh well. Made me happy. Blogging is good for me.

So if I ask myself how it’s goin’, it’s goin’ well. I’m healthier mentally, sicker physically, and have a different perspective on life all around. I’m happy with who I am even if I’d like some things to be different. I’m taking steps in the right direction. I joined the Broadway San Diego Street Team this week, though I’m still not quite sure exactly what that means. I joined Jazz88 last week and bought an all-fair pass today. I also bought Sea World passes for me and my mom. Don’t tell her. She won’t know for a few more hours. I’m trying to add structure to my life that’s fun, not related to mental health or illness, and gives me something back. (big yawn) I’m proud of myself.

-Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Old Maid

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My Old Maid Card

6-4-10   4:13am

Looking at this makes me so happy! :) So many good memories…

My mom is going through her dresser looking for my savings bonds. In the process she’s pulling out all this family history stuff I’ve never seen. Like both of her parent’s marriage certificates, grandpa’s pipes, the newspaper announcement of her birth. Really cool. When she brought my old maid cards in the kitchen I screamed. I love Old Maid! It’s a lame game but the pictures on the cards were always special to me, especially Old Maid. I know if you end up with her you technically lose, but she’s my favorite. She’s pink and she’s awesome. :)

She reminds me of my aunt. And I remember playing in a hospital waiting room while waiting to pick up the landlord of our old apartments that we moved out of when I was five. Gladys. I said, “Let’s play!” and my mom was confused. She said, “How come you never want to play with me and now you do?” Ummmm… Old Maid?

The cards smell so wonderful. It made me think. I’m actually old enough that now MY things have that wonderful old book smell. Weird. Could just be ‘cause they’re in the middle of a drawer of actual old things. Either way they smell great and they have that yellow tinge to them. Those characters are like friends. Call me an Old Maid any day. ;)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Will I?

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5-26-10                 2:46am

“Will I?” from RENT keeps playing again and again in my head tonight.  It’s such a powerful song. It’s a many part round of this phrase:

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

RENT was my soundtrack for several years. When I was living with Mary I listened to it for days at a time while pacing her backyard (when I wasn’t crocheting and watching Law & Order.) It speaks to me. At the time with being at-risk for HD it was particularly relevant. I was constantly wondering what would happen to me. The show is still relevant. I’m just less scared now.

I think practicing mindfulness and acceptance has really changed me. I know I’m going through something I can’t change, something I can’t fix. But I’m not scared right now. Just for today, I’m okay.

“One Song Glory” also speaks to me.  Especially the line that says, “One song, before the virus takes hold.” I think I’m writing that song. I think that now is my time. You know?

Do you ever feel like something really big is happening in your life? Like you’ve gotten to this very moment for a reason and you’re about to find out?

I’m pretty sure I will lose my dignity. And I don’t know if someone will care. And I probably will not wake up tomorrow from this nightmare. But it’s okay… It’s okay.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Please Remind Me It’s Bullshit

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5-25-10                 3:51am

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships, as well as the two songs in “This is My Time & I Decide.” Saturday I wrote this in my journal:

Core Belief: I don’t deserve that.

I decide not to be afraid anymore, to say bullshit even when the voice in my head is screaming so loud, “You don’t deserve that,” that I cannot sleep or breathe.

Please remind me of that occasionally.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

The Candle

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I went to Survivors of Suicide Loss Day this weekend and everyone lit a candle in memory of their loved one(s). While the conference itself was great, it was the candle that moved me.

As I stared at it I felt & thought many things.

The Candle

5-22-10                 11:31am

  • Guilt – I’m supposed to do something to save it but I don’t want to.
  • Fear – doing something to help it will hurt me or draw attention to me.
  • Helpless – there is nothing I can do to affect the time this candle burns, what I do won’t matter, won’t make a difference.
  • Hopeless – It’s not my place
  • Life – As I watched I noticed a brown speck near the wick just twirling, a sign of life.
  • The Pain of Waiting – I don’t know when but I can’t stop it. I just wait. Like D- and the bus stop. I just want it to stop. I want to blow out the candle. Just make it stop. Please.

I’ve noticed no one else at my table is watching the candle.

When it was lit, I didn’t pay attention. As it burned, I didn’t watch. But I noticed when the white candle was completely clear. Now there’s nothing I can do but watch. If only I had noticed. There’s nothing I can do. This candle is going to kill me.

I want to protect the candle. Fear of someone blowing it out. Wondering if that would be more therapeutic.

I don’t want to eat lunch. I don’t want to leave it.

People eat lunch and talk.

I just watch…

I miss my dad…

I’m tempted to ask how long these candles burn. But no one can know.

I’m angry I can’t change it.

—

Didn’t want to leave but had a good conversation.

Automatic Thought – I shouldn’t be here.

—

Angry. Damn it! Go out candle.

—

Angry – my perspective is so different. I shouldn’t be here.

—

I forgot & went back to blow out the candle. The effect. And I walked away.

I know the people around me did not experience this candle as I did. But it was so powerful. To go through so many emotions and stages of trauma and grief in such a short time with a candle is amazing. It’s powerful and difficult but good. Thank God for the candle.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

This is My Time & I Decide

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5-24-10                 4:52pm

Just for this moment I feel peaceful, calm. I have this song in my head. It’s so powerful & true. Listen.

This is my time to shine
This is my place to find
All that I have inside
I never knew
This is my time to show
What I must have always known
That nothing’s impossible
And dreams come true.
And dreams come true.
…
Overcoming all these things
Here I finally find my wings
Now I know I’m ready to fly!

I may not be a corporate executive or a research scientist, or on Broadway or a doctor. But this is my time. I’m successful and loved. And I love myself. I am making things happen. No, God is making things happen. I’m seeing change. And I get to decide.

I have overcome a lot of things and now I use my choice to decide. Listen.

I may not have control over the outcome but I have control of my actions, the decisions I make. I decided this week to push myself. There’s only now. I’ve got nothing to lose. Everything is a choice, every choice an opportunity.

I get to decide to stay in my house and feel bad or go out. I ate goat cheese yesterday, and golden beets, and cucumber. Wow. I never try new things. And I liked it. I liked being eagerly uncomfortable and the tremendous feeling of success.

This is my time to realize that I can make a difference and that there IS power in persistence. I’m tied to little. All I have is time.

I decide today to go out with the guy who’s not dark and twisted, the one who scares me with his normalcy. And makes me smile. Because I want to. I decide to go out by myself and eat good food and take in great music just because. I deserve it. I decide not to let myself fester, not to lose this momentum by being idle. I decide to take care of myself and to take chances. And to sleep. Cuz I get to decide. This is my time.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Health & Dreams

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5-23-10                 4:28pm

I feel so overwhelmed today. The tension is so high I have to breathe through my mouth or my face just might explode. My cheek bones hurt.

I caught the early bus, the one that takes twice as long to the trolley. I can’t stand it in my house or around my mom. She drives me nuts. I don’t know when she forgot how to have fun or started believing fun is bad. But no matter what I do it’s wrong to her, makes her mad. (Our bus driver doesn’t know where she’s going.)

I knew today would be difficult because the last two were wonderful. I had two healthy days. And in those days I did a ton of stuff. I went to a ROCO meeting, toured Edgemoor, saw my neuro, ate Chinese food twice, sang at the gospel festival, went out to dinner, attended a suicide conference, got my hair cut, went to Body Rock and enjoyed The Shout House. I walked farther than I usually can. My body didn’t hurt. I lifted things, felt happy, had energy. I even took the stairs at the Civic several times. I felt normal. I felt happy.

Going to Body Rock last night was an exposure. I’ll admit I cried through the first number and wanted to leave but I’m glad that I stayed. I had a great time. I’m proud of myself. I did something new, out of my comfort zone, sat through the anxiety and enjoyed it. And I went to The Shout House and sang. It was great. I hadn’t been there since my 21st birthday. On the way home I was gifted a horrible headache that made it hard to breathe, but the night was worth it. So were the days.

I woke up today feeling calm and happy. Warm sun feels good now on my back. I feel trapped. A good friend posted on FB last night about giving up her dream. I want to help her, to listen, but I can’t if she won’t let me. I need that magic dress. Not being able to do anything hurts. My body feels heavy. I tingle. I just can’t get it out of me. If I could tell her anything it would be not to give up her dream. She might not get it back.

As I watched Body Rock I needed to dance, and having two mostly symptom-free days I let my mind wander, hope. I thought about dancing again, taking classes, performing, watching shows. All the stuff that I love. It seemed possible. Just maybe I could have that again. It didn’t escape me that 2 days is 2 days, but it felt good just to dream.

When I gave up performing I didn’t think it would be forever. I don’t mean singing in a choir. I mean being a star. I didn’t think that I couldn’t have it back. That I would see myself someday singing at the bar of The Shout House just to sing. I didn’t see that. It’s kind of like giving your child voluntarily to the foster care system and just hoping they treat it well. It will never be the same. They say going back to school is harder the longer you’re out. It’s nothing compared to losing or hiding or pausing a dream. Because the dream never goes away. It haunts me. I’m different now, but it’s still the same dream.

I keep thinking of the Rainer Maria Rilke wisdom from “Letters to a Young Poet” that if when you wake up in the morning you can think of nothing but writing then you’re a writer. Or of dancing you’re a dancer, etc. When I don’t do what I am I’m not happy. And when I’m not happy, I’m not me.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010