Tag Archives: funny

Space Camp

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12-6-11     4:35pm

Hi Mom,

Guess what! Outer space is COOL! I’m weightless up here so no worries about wrinkles. Poor earthly folk and their wrinkles. I want to stay here forEVER. For just $49.95 per week I can! They take Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover AND I can earn Diner’s Club rewards on food!! Of course this doesn’t include the cost of oxygen, food, supervision, medical expenses, waste management or transportation. Just the glorious right to occupy space for a time.

Oh Mom, I just know you’d love it. They have a parents package too. I’ll send you that too. I wonder if space has a postal system yet…

Anyway, my new friend Max and I found a field of lilies FULL of tiny blue martians. Awww, they’re SO CUTE!!! Can I keep him PLEEEAAASE??!!!

I named mine Max, just like my new friend. He’s blue and fuzzy and mostly toilet trained. Of course his ACTUAL name is Maxemillion Cornelius Barnaby the 3rd of the Order of Planets, 3rd Division Purple Line. But we just call him Max. Oh, Mom. You’ll love him. Just make sure to wear your industrial grade orange goggles when you look at him or his glow will melt your eyes.

Have you ever tried salmon fried by the death rays of a monster alien? I’m not sure how the fish got up here but it’s SOOO good. Mmmmm. :) You can even eat purple glitter here and the snowflakes taste like roses.

We have a complicated waste management system here. We learned all about it yesterday. You’d be amazed what they can do with shit. You know that phrase “Eat shit and die?” Well not anymore. Meet the ShiTron 5000. Turns any size, shape or consistency shit into good-for-you rainbow jellybeans. Magic! Eat some for a snack or sprinkle them on your garden. 100% environment friendly with 0% toxicity. We could get our own ShiTron 5000 for only $800, per month, for the duration of the existence of space. Definitely on MY Christmas list. What’s on YOUR Christmas list?

Oh Mom, I have to go. Max and Max and I send our love and a package of jellybeans. I want to stay here forEVER.

Love, Michelle

PS – I’m not coming home until I at LEAST see a butterfly in space.

Love, Mom

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

Side Effects of Christmas

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Written on Black Friday at the mall on a bench outside Cinnabon.

11/25/11     4:25pm

Side Effects of Christmas:

  • Fits of joy
  • Random singing & laughter
  • Urges to bake or give things to strangers
  • Uncontrollable shopping sprees
  • Flashbacks
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Urges to die
  • Intense anger
  • Spontaneous death of self or others
  • Temporary loss of judgement
  • Poor clothing choices
  • Weight gain or loss
  • Spike in your need to watch Lifetime or The Family Channel
  • Excessive picture-taking
  • Loss of time
  • Sitting for long periods of time alone on a mall bench wondering why it is we do this again… followed by a Cinnabon.

Red flag shopping warning signs:

  • Uttering to yourself more than 3 times in a day, “Man, I must be old.”
  • Sympathizing with the forlorn kiosk people
  • Falling for their “Can I ask you a question?” cuz you just can’t walk any further
  • Wishing you were the kid asleep in the stroller.

Please feel free to add your own.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

Great Quotes from Therapy

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11-6-10      4:04am

I am so thankful for my therapist. I had a great session with him this week. He is spot on sometimes and I just had to share these pearls of wisdom. He said:

“You’re a very good codependent.”
“He’s got muscles where his empathy should be.”
“That’s what happens when a poet meets a lumberjack.”
“These are the sticks between which you weave your safety net.”

-Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Late Night Funnies

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6-30-10                 12:13am

So, I’m sitting here at the computer tonight when the most hilarious thing happens. While munching on a crouton that I tried hard to resist but didn’t, I said to my mom, “You know you have a serious snacking problem when at midnight on a Wednesday morning you slowly and slyly say to your daughter, ‘Waaaanna croutoooon???’” I laughed. She took a drink of milk. Then it hit her. She spit the milk out like a movie scene. It’s all over the floor and some binders on the table and her. We’re both laughing hysterically. She’s shrieking. Zoe’s licking it up off the floor. Lol. It’s this laughter that happens with my aunt Jackie or my grandma. A mostly silent, can’t breathe, face turning red, squeaks escaping here and there, commotion, punctuated by pauses for coughing. My belly aches and I’m surprised I didn’t pee on myself.

Zoe had 2 white hairs on her back. The rest of her is black. Mom pulled one out today with the new cat brush. And she says right after this incident, “Well, she still has one hair.” Lol. The laughter started all over. This cat’s been through so much. She was held in one hand on the ride from Ramona to Santee. My mom stepped on her. I threw a water bottle the landing of which scared her so bad she wouldn’t come near us for a few days. She’s not all there to begin with. I can understand why she’s 9 weeks old and already has two white hairs. But now, according to my mom, she only has one hair left.

I love this night.

-Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010