I went to an ANAD meeting today. (I’m feeling anxious right now.) I went to the meeting and I realized how grown-up I am, how much progress I’ve made. I am not in that anymore. I’m not even in me. I worked for S-. I’m being opened to wisdom.
I have better boundaries. I understand why I do things. I practice mindfulness and DBT. I plan. I take care of me. I let things go.
Today last year I checked into CAP2. I could barely talk. I wanted to die. I was terrified. Dr. N was mad at me for giving up. I was so tired that I didn’t have it in me to try. Too tired to want to get better.
(deep breath, crickets) zap.
I rested. Then I did the work. And all year I’ve been working, learning, growing. Experiencing. Life.
I am more able now to deal with tsunamis of emotion. I can handle physical symptoms without freaking out. I made it through several crises, one of which I really would’ve preferred to be inpatient for, on the outside. I did it. And I’m doing it. I’m doing it.
My set of symptoms hasn’t changed much, but my ability to deal with it has. I also have stuck faithfully to the charting system I created with Dr. N in the hospital. July 28th will mark one year. It’s been good seeing him often and having a system we both understand and agree on. I trust him.
I’m finally to that point of being able to think about creating a life worth living. I want more for me. Marc wanted me to do that in 2008. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know what it will look like – probably a lot different than the picture in my head – but I’m open to ideas. I’m open to what God has planned for me. I’m open to God.
I reached two milestones recently that I’m proud of myself for. I’ve been blogging now for 4 months (131 posts so far) and June 23rd will mark one year out of the hospital for me. Two major things.
Last year at this time I was inpatient for my longest stay thus far, 28 days. By this point in the stay I had reached East Wing 2 and was a bit better but I was seeing things and hearing original electric guitar music and thinking in pictures and all sorts of shit. Since then, I’ve managed to shake most of the craziness. I spent 8 months at Scripps and now I’m just with my doctors and the group. And FB, of course. And the blog.
Blogging has been such a gift. I’m grateful for Sacha and Traci and Andrew’s encouragement. I have a band of mostly silent invisible followers. It’s like having friends that listen and never talk back. Sometimes frustrating but mostly comforting. I’m so honored to know people read this. Blogging gives me a place to put my thoughts that I have no one else to tell, and gives me something to tell the people I have no thoughts to give. Lol. Nice. :) It’s exciting for me, gives me a point of reference, helps me remember. And it’s been big in helping me share with people.
Sharing your innermost thoughts with the entire world is scary. But less so when you don’t care what they think. I’m addicted to my stats page. Since only like 3 people ever leave comments it’s a gamble to see how many hits I have each day and what people are looking at. While it loads I guess. What number will it be today? Sometimes it’s predictable, but there was a day a few weeks back when I had a TON of people and I hadn’t posted anything in several days. Weird. Oh well. Made me happy. Blogging is good for me.
So if I ask myself how it’s goin’, it’s goin’ well. I’m healthier mentally, sicker physically, and have a different perspective on life all around. I’m happy with who I am even if I’d like some things to be different. I’m taking steps in the right direction. I joined the Broadway San Diego Street Team this week, though I’m still not quite sure exactly what that means. I joined Jazz88 last week and bought an all-fair pass today. I also bought Sea World passes for me and my mom. Don’t tell her. She won’t know for a few more hours. I’m trying to add structure to my life that’s fun, not related to mental health or illness, and gives me something back. (big yawn) I’m proud of myself.