Such a powerful session with Soleil. I’m still standing. Embrace the pain. I am strong enough to be weak, to be vulnerable. I feel God hold me and I let go. For the first time I wholly trust. Embrace the pain.
I’m not lying as much. I’m not working when I need to rest. I let myself cry… I’m doing the best I can. I also am asking for help, accepting.
I am so grateful for the blessing of this pain and for the courage to stay in it.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I’m thankful for and DBSA is on my mind. DBSA San Diego is an org that provides free support groups for people with mood disorders like me. I’ve been with DBSA San Diego continuously since 2006, with a short stint also in 2004. There I found family. The group members get me. We help each other. I always have a place to go. I also have a place to grow.
My outreach work with DBSA is one of the best parts of my life. I have the opportunity to promote the group, to educate the public about mental illness and to connect services and create projects I couldn’t elsewhere. I give a lot in volunteer service to DBSA, but I want to give more and I want to get others to help.
When it comes down to it, DBSA San Diego needs money to provide our free services, and most of our money comes through donations. So, I figured I’d reach out to my people and see if anyone is interested in giving. Any amount helps. I’m particularly interested in getting people to sign up for monthly auto-giving through the Network for Good. I don’t expect people to give $40 a month, but $10 is certainly do-able. It’s the equivalent of 2 drinks at Starbucks or one meal at Chipotle. Think about it. Every penny counts. Go! :)
Extra perk (on top of the warm and fuzzy feeling you get from giving) – Donations are tax-deductible! Yay!
It’s been a long time since I sent a fundraising plea. I haven’t really thought this through much. I just know that DBSA has saved my life, given me meaning and hope. DBSA is amazing. Please help me out by paying it forward.
Illness. It’s bigger than the horses. I’ve been hearing “Wild Horses.” The chorus plays over and over in my head. “Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away. Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away.” Maybe not, but illness is bigger than the horses.
Today I am sick. It’s almost 3am and I’ve been awake altogether for less than 4 hours. I really wanted to go out tonight but I couldn’t. And it made me so angry. Conscious enough to know I can’t go but sick enough to be able to do nothing about it. “For All We Know” lulled me back to sleep and woke me up.
For all we know, right? It’s why I went out with Matthew this week and it’s why I see so much music. And why I’m terrified. Because I know. I am acutely aware of how precious life is. And God keeps reminding me that it’s not in my control.
I should have known a sick day was coming. I’m kinda glad I didn’t. I had fun. I went to hear music 3 days in a row this week. Last night I was riddled with zaps and freezing cold and anxious and feel asleep on the trolley, and in the car, and while waiting for food. And today I just couldn’t wake up. Really bad headache. Extreme exhaustion. And anger at the situation.
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from the music. But illness is bigger than the horses. This invisible force I have little control of. I feel like crying but I’m just too tired.
Headache’s coming back. I’m writing by flashlight in my dark room.
I feel happy, warm inside. Just saw K- in the bathroom. She said, “Keep your head up.” I do. I told her I feel more happy now that I’m sicker than when I was less sick. It’s weird, but nice. Last night was wonderful and then difficult, but today is good again. And I am so grateful for this moment.
Tonight I am grateful for music on YouTube – Sara Bareilles, Norah Jones, Vanessa Carlton, Michelle Branch, Regina Spektor and Charlotte Martin. Whoever created that playlist is a genius. I’m grateful for pianos, and for writing, and for people who read my writing. For purple paper, and the color pink, and glitter. For my mom and for Susan and Mags. I may not get my life or stuff around me but I sure appreciate the music.
Tomorrow is another day. Doctors appointments, things to pick up and do. Hours of blankness, nothing. But just for now there is quiet and good music. Just me and the earwigs.
Listen. “Redeemed” by Charlotte Martin
“Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I’ll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, through all the pain
And unbelief- these are the words that they all scream. I am redeemed.”