Will I?

5-26-10                 2:46am

Will I?” from RENT keeps playing again and again in my head tonight.  It’s such a powerful song. It’s a many part round of this phrase:

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

RENT was my soundtrack for several years. When I was living with Mary I listened to it for days at a time while pacing her backyard (when I wasn’t crocheting and watching Law & Order.) It speaks to me. At the time with being at-risk for HD it was particularly relevant. I was constantly wondering what would happen to me. The show is still relevant. I’m just less scared now.

I think practicing mindfulness and acceptance has really changed me. I know I’m going through something I can’t change, something I can’t fix. But I’m not scared right now. Just for today, I’m okay.

One Song Glory” also speaks to me.  Especially the line that says, “One song, before the virus takes hold.” I think I’m writing that song. I think that now is my time. You know?

Do you ever feel like something really big is happening in your life? Like you’ve gotten to this very moment for a reason and you’re about to find out?

I’m pretty sure I will lose my dignity. And I don’t know if someone will care. And I probably will not wake up tomorrow from this nightmare. But it’s okay… It’s okay.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

3 thoughts on “Will I?

  1. Always remember, I care – deeply what happens to you!

    Can’t really put it into words, but I truly believe your situation will eventually turn out to be positive. Hopefully, just some tough times in the interim.

  2. Wow! I watched that video like hundrens of times while living in Miami. I was living alone and bored…and my head was stuck with those words. If I were you I would put another music that anyone worthy as you are deserves. I’m glad that Jonathan Larson have the talent to express so patiently about the details of the disease, but, that my friend don’t help us. Music is a vehicle for trasmiting what the soul is feeling, and then, to re-produce it. So since I sence that you love life as you must then start today by hearing great music. Do not go just so far over the “religious”, but some peace of music written by those with a healthy soul. I have no idea what exactly kept the writer (Mr Larson) on feeling so much deeply this horrible pain. But the best cure for pain is not by re-producing it, may be by crunching those sick cells onto healthy stuff. How aboout some other music? I had a hard time taking the desicion of putting those lirics back on the old days, but remember that “ALL” you agree with words and heart…is all that you get. So, is even Biblical, which means is more than funny. Is real. Declare with your words what you are really after. What you are really after? You are Loved so deeply!
    ~Great Love to you!!!
    Mirian D. C. “)

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