Since 2009

8/13/13     3:18pm

What’s different now than in ’09 with Marc? I’m embracing the fact that I’m alone. Dr. N taught me that not all people leave and that I can be safe. Jim taught me how to face my fears through ERP instead of cognitive reasoning. DBT gave me a set of skills to use when I’m freaking out that work. I became closer to God and reassessed my priorities and relationships when I thought I was going to die. I started developing a sense of self. Now I am not so desperate and needy. I started developing systems to get me through the day and track my progress. I faithfully attended DBSA both sharing and learning new tools. I surrendered the pain and defined acceptance. I started doing things for me, in particular attending jazz gigs and making friends with non-crazy (or at least non-diagnosed) people. I gave up and found life. My mom is nicer to me now. I rarely scream or freak out or run away. I use assertiveness daily. I don’t take bullshit anymore. My need for an intense attachment to one person has diminished greatly. I feel more safe, supported. I’ve learned and practiced more boundaries. I’ve moved away from the cognitive approach. I stopped going to school. I found a doctor and therapist who meet my needs. I need the hospital less. My HD phase has passed. I am free.

I forgot to tell Dr. N today that I’ve been thinking about school. I want my degree. I think I’m ready. I think I’d like to major in social work. I should try WRAP and PET first both as prerequisites and to see if I could handle it. I think I might. I don’t think I’m ready for full or part-time. Maybe one class at a time. I have scholarship money I need to use…

(walk around)

I stood up for myself when threatened at Scripps. I walked away stronger, determined. I took care of me.

I learned to say no and to say yes. I’m doing much better with change – if you can imagine. I’ve dealt with health issues bigger than me. I’ve been broken and risen up again, not through ashes but rules. I learned how to observe and listen, to practice empathy. I catch myself earlier in the process so I don’t blow. I’m learning to stand on my own.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013 

An expensive lie

8-6-13     8:40am

I am SO frustrated.
(close my eyes, breathe, listen to the wind chime)

I have a problem with debt. I also have problems with memory and confusion. I thought I was doing well with the debt until I got a statement in the mail today. I put $1745 on my credit card last month. What?! (deep breath) I remember shopping at those places. It isn’t fraud. But I’ve little idea what I bought. I remember 2 picture frames and a pair of shoes. Where did it go? What the hell? I thought I was doing well.

I’m not sure what do to. It’s all an illusion. I could cut up that card, but I would have to give up my life. Then again, this life belongs to the bank anyway – and probably the next life too.

I don’t know what to do. All sane minds would say, “Live within your means, dumbass.” That requires acknowledgement & acceptance of my means. I don’t want to be in debt. I just want what I buy more. I want that life. I could rent a room for the amount I pay in minimum payments every month. What an expensive lie.

I am poor. I live with my mom. The government supports me. I ride the bus. Without the aid of credit I would have $130 a month to live on. Some months less. I certainly don’t live like it. I finance smoothies and yogurt. I live a lie. (pause) It eats me.

The most plausible solution is to stop spending. I’m not sure I have that in me. I’d rather die. That’s how scary it is – admitting to myself that no matter what I wear or eat, who I know or what I accomplish, I’m still that poor little girl from the ghetto sitting in the corner wanting more, praying to be like Jane, to live like the others. Money covers that up well. The smell of poverty. It can’t cover up sad eyes.

I’m angry at myself. I didn’t want to be like her. I should’ve known better. Yes I should. But I didn’t. What do I do now? What do I do now?

I’m so tired. I woke up at 8 o’clock because I accidentally took my night meds at 6 last night. I ate oatmeal. Now I’m tired. I was going to go to the gym. Then I opened my mail. Now I wanna die. Brilliant. I’m tempted to go back to sleep.

I took a moment to pray and walked myself mindfully through the whole process of getting oatmeal to me, seeing it in my head.

Please, God. Bring me peace.

9:06am

I’m ready to change.

Pay off my debt.
Get rid of things I don’t want or need.
Tell the truth.
Die.
Take care of me.

I’m going to the gym.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013

“Hi I’m Eric”

Okay, so maybe this is a night of sharing, in the social media sense of the word. I just ran across this video on my mom’s Facebook page. I like the song so I decided to watch it. Totally made me cry.

Honesty is not something I’m good at, especially when it comes to feelings, sensitive information about myself, or in any other way allowing myself to be vulnerable. I admire this kid’s guts and bravery. Even if no one else ever saw the video, he put it out there.

Check it out.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

You Suck

5-9-10                   3:18am

So, I was thinking about enabling tonight. Which really bugs me. There is this thing I see happen a lot. Toxic kindness. When you tell someone they look good even though they look horrible just so you don’t have to say it. When you tell someone, “Great job,” even though they just bombed. When you smile and pretend. How does that help?

We are doing people a great injustice by being kind. Sometimes it’s more productive for us all to just say, “You suck.” Like little girls growing up in dance. It does NOT help if you think everything they do is wonderful. God forbid their teacher does. If no one ever points out their mistakes, if no one says, “You look horrible. Send that back,” how are they gonna know? They will think they are just wonderful and one day get to competition and see all these other girls that are better. They will not just wonder why they didn’t win, but also why everyone failed to mention THEY SUCK. Helpful? I think not.

Who ever decided it was bad to tell the truth? I’m a bit, okay more than a bit, directly honest than most. But it’s usually not a bad thing. If it is, it’s still just the truth. Like I said to a friend the other day, “You’re getting fat.” Okay. It’s the truth. Maybe not a socially acceptable one to point out but it’s not heresy. NOT telling the truth, NOT saying “You suck” can be harmful. Now I know there are times when lying is necessary, but not as often as people claim. I think we’re just afraid people won’t like us. That we’ll hurt someone’s feelings. That we’ll lose friends. Well, what are our friends losing because we don’t tell them? Who doesn’t help us cuz they don’t know what we need? What embarrassment might we have saved had we just said, you suck? Think about it.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010