What does July feel like?

7/1/12     3:18am

It’s 3am and I’m entering chart data and listening to youtube music. I just hate everyone today. I didn’t wake up feeling this way. At least I didn’t think I did. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on how to make my life better and on what independence looks like to me. I was having a few okay days but not today. Today I am pissed at life and everyone in it. My mom is miffed that I’m bitchy. She drives me nuts. I tolerate a lot of things but when I feel like this I tolerate nothing. I don’t want to see or hear anything wonderful much less anything incoherent, incorrect or nonsensical. I just can’t do it.

Just a few days ago I enjoyed twirling randomly, pulling weeds and eating ice cream. Tonight I just sit here, working and angry. This is the 49th week of the charting system I designed with my psychiatrist. I’ve got 4 different systems going right now, but this one is ours. I have a daily record for the past 49 weeks of what I did and felt, my states of functioning in percentages and pretty colors, my period and when I had suicidal ideations. I started reading through some of it and remembering. I’ll have to read it in chunks. It’s intense.

It doesn’t feel like almost a year. I don’t feel time at all really. The calendar says tomorrow (or today) is the first day of July. What does July feel like? Does it feel any different than March? Or 1987? The days and hours melt into colors and numbers and refills. Appointments and sleep. A month is such a long time to wait to pay my bills again, yet so short when it comes to a calendar page… (quiet)

It’s 3am and I don’t want to sleep. I need to write about my mom and her new boyfriend and about my fear and independence. But it’s late. And my eyes hurt. And I can’t think. I still don’t want to sleep. Just thought I’d check in.

Love, Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

I am the yellow clock

6-5-11     11:12pm

I am afraid of this clock.
I found it staring up at me from a pile of magazine clippings.
This clock is my life.

I have no concept of time, which usually doesn’t bother me. But lately the things I have in place of numbers have fallen away and I am not able to navigate very well. My confusion is growing by the day, and I can’t process or remember things. I am so tired. I don’t know what’s going on.

I am the yellow clock.
My motor keeps on ticking, even though my hands are broken and my numbers have fallen away. I would buy it. The tick’s all I care about anyway. I don’t want to know what time it is.

Time increases my anxiety. You have to do this right away or that by tomorrow. Hurry up. Call him now. Answer the phone. Have you sent that email? Did you prepare for tomorrow? What’s tomorrow? I don’t even know today. And I don’t care about tomorrow. Can’t you see?

I don’t know what’s going on in my brain. Whatever it is is good at what it’s doing. Last year I thought I was gonna die, and I didn’t. But I’m not convinced that I’m here to stay. Or even if I am how much longer I will be Michelle. I’m scared because I don’t know it, I can’t control it and it won’t go away. It is slowly taking me.

The clock cannot fight the clock maker. I can’t even see what He’s doing. I just watch how it affects me. I once was an intelligent person. Now it’s a struggle to order dinner. I don’t understand things. My emotions are not in my control. I don’t read. I write when I can. And can is fading. I can’t remember. (staring…) Please.

I am the yellow clock.
If you find me please tell me what time it is and what that time means.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

Tick Tick Tick

8-22-10                2:56am

I was listening to Sacha talk to this guy on Friday about his son, a singer who’s not living up to his potential. And there was something she said that sticks with me. It’s a very small and powerful phrase. “Tick tick tick.” He’s 24 and time’s a wastin’. There’s not much left.

It has a different meaning for me, but it’s generally the same.

Tick tick tick
Your life is almost over
Tick tick tick
Before you melt away
Should you stay one more day
What will you be?
Will you be free?
Will your dreams come true or will you watch them melt away, today?

Tick tick tick
I don’t know what time it is
Tick tick
Or what day, or the year
I don’t care.
I just want to be happy.
How to be happy … what was I saying?

Tick tick
I know the time is running
Tick tick tick
Faster than I can see
Tick tick tick
And soon I will catch up,
Or maybe it will catch me.
But hopefully when we meet we’ll have some good stories to tell,
Of dancing (tick) and singing (tick) and feeling mighty swell.
Cuz when we meet up (tick) I won’t be walking away.
Tick tick tick.
Just give me one more day.

I know my clock is ticking, in every meaning of the phrase. It makes me quiet and fills my face with vapor. Tick tick. (close my eyes and sigh…) I won’t be walking away.

(thought continued in So Let’s Play)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010