3-12-10                 1am

I had a rough day today. I knew it probably wouldn’t be a good day. Yesterday was the best day ever. Dancing with Russell, good food, 4 hours of chatting with a  friend I haven’t seen since Junior year in high school. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe and went to sleep happy.

Today reality set in. My life is set to change dramatically tomorrow. It is my last day at Scripps and I’m seeing a new neurologist. It’s a lot to take in. I’m scared. Yesterday I was on top of the world, dreaming. But today it was real. I slept most of the day and didn’t get any work done until after 10pm. I fought with my mom over laundry and walked to 7-11 to get the ramen I was craving. The ramen tasted good but the walking took everything I had and required a 4 hour nap. The music in my head won’t stop and my side hurts, again. And I can’t email the Compass Card people because I want to kill them.

(Breathe…)

Big trigger today I wasn’t expecting. I got an email from my cousin about our grandmother and how she believes there was never HD in our family. She asked why I was so sheltered and didn’t know any of the family, said it was my family too. I was so upset. I stopped to breathe and to cry, and I sent her an email back. It’s not my family. I was flooded with memories I don’t want to remember…

You know, sometimes I just want to scream at my mother, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!” (sigh) It would not be in my best interest but it is SO stressful living with her. She is crazy. She is great but she’s not all there and she pisses me off. Communicating with her is like playing telephone, only her brain is the 50 people between us. (sigh) Half the time it’s not worth even trying.

So tomorrow, after I make it through Scripps I’m seeing a new neurologist. I don’t want to. I don’t want to know what’s wrong with me. I just want it to go away. I can’t handle something else. Yesterday I was dreaming. Tonight I want out.

I know how it goes with new doctors. It’s like trying to sell a 3 hole punch to a homeless man for $10,000. I have a short amount of time to convey all the shit going on with me and to try to convince him that it’s NOT all in my head. My body is not shutting down psychosomatically. It’s not a side-effect of my medication. I’m not toxic on my lithium. Something is wrong.

Tomorrow I’ll be asking him to test me for Spinocerebellar Ataxia 17 (aka Huntington’s Disease Like 4) and MS. Possibilities I believe less are Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. They don’t explain a lot of my symptoms. I put together spreadsheets of symptoms in categories – easy to read information. I doubt that he’ll read it but I’ll take it anyway. I am not optimistic. Doctors rarely believe me. It’s frustrating. I’m an intelligent person, dammit. Look beyond the psychiatric diagnoses.

I look beyond tomorrow and see nothing. I feel sad. I see the earth shake on Saturday. I’m supposed to have a party this weekend for my birthday. Haven’t planned it. My eyes feel heavy. I want to survive.

I saw the sunset today and realized I’m at the top of the mountain, at least this mountain, scoping out the next.

3-10-10                 5:44pm

I realized today that my brain is functioning at optimum capacity. I feel great. I have lots of creative ideas and thoughts. I want to dance and sing and I do it. I’m getting things done. I’m confronting conflict, being assertive, writing. My response to stressful situations is NOT to want to hurt myself and run away. I’m interested in guys. I see a future. That is such a huge change for me.

I envisioned myself today in great clothes, driving my own car, as a competitive ballroom dancer. I considered taking more classes in all sorts of dances. I even considered a “pole fitness” class and ones in belly dancing and bolero, whatever that is. I thought about my budget and I truly enjoyed talking and dancing with Russell. I belong in the spotlight. I belong on the stage.

This is what I feel like at my best. I am still tired but my brain’s working right, coming up with ideas and solutions, not filled with toxic thoughts. I like me this way. I’d like to stay this way. I just smile. All systems are go. Time for a nap. ;)

3-9-10        8:46pm

Today I had what I would consider a really hard day. Only thing is, it wasn’t… I woke up tired and got on the van to Scripps. When I got there I saw Janice, which made me very happy. She said Jim wanted to talk to me so we went to talk with him and in a few sentences he said I was being discharged and asked if I wanted today or Friday to be my last day. What? I’m sorry, what? Of course I said Friday. Really? Wtf? I went back to Janice’s office to talk. She was not happy. Neither was I. There are few things I make more clear than the fact I need notice. But we had a really great conversation. I appreciate her honesty and openness. It’s special.

I decided to write instead of going to first group. What was I feeling? I don’t know. There isn’t quite a word. Surprised, confused, angry… and excited. My whole body was tingling. I wrote about what Janice said about me and the program and my life. And I couldn’t figure out the excitement. I know I don’t belong there and I’ve been fighting being there since the beginning. But I hadn’t found the right time to let go. This morning I wanted to shout, “I’M FREE!” Lol. It sucks to be leaving at the very time I’m making the most progress, but I’m excited to be free from the drama, free from the system I can’t change that continues to try to break me. I get to sleep in and I get to try something new. What, I don’t know. Something new. I wish I had more time to figure out what to do, some time to plan. It’s NOT standard for them to just dump you. But I think I’ll be okay. I know I’ll miss Janice. She is an important part of my life, and Barb. But I don’t think I’ll miss Scripps. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m glad I was here. Friday will be my last day.

I thought for a few moments about what I have learned, what I have gained from being in the program. I think the main thing is Acceptance. The constant talk and reminder of the ideas of acceptance and mindfulness and awareness and just being with what is are keys to my progress right now. Until recently I didn’t really understand what that meant. That it’s okay to just be. Be. To see things for what they really are. To tell the truth. To cut through the bullshit. I’ve learned when it’s worth it to fight and when you should just walk away. But I’ve stayed. And I’ve learned from that too.

Now whomever made up last week’s treatment team has decided to walk away from me. And you know what? That’s okay. They don’t have what I need. Kiwis in a shoe store. Karen Salmansohn says in “How to Be Happy, Dammit! A Cynic’s Guide to Spiritual Happiness” that you shouldn’t try to buy kiwis in a shoe store. In other words, it’s pointless to keep trying to ask people for something you know they don’t have. I know that I can still learn from Janice and Barb, but the other groups are like looking for kiwis in a shoe store. It’s simply not going to happen.

I would usually be pissed at the stupid bastards in a situation like this, freaking out that I’m losing everything and the whole world’s falling apart. I don’t understand why I’m not. Maybe I’m riding the high of my birthday yesterday or the adrenaline of the news or the busyness of the day, but I haven’t felt upset. Really upset, that is. Something has changed in me. Something is different. I believe I can make it without them. I believe I can succeed. It’s an awkward feeling I like. I can make it.

As I got in the elevator today to meet Mags for lunch I didn’t want to go back. I just wanted to walk away. I wondered if I get to choose to walk away from this. When do I get to choose to walk away from mental illness? When do I get to choose to say, “I want my life back now. I want to be normal. I want a job and money and benefits and independence. I want my life,” and have it work? Do I get to choose? If I walk away, when will I be back? I know stability doesn’t last forever. I don’t want to crash and burn for years again but I know it will happen. When? I feel strong now and I want to stay strong, but when I’m not will I have the strength to come back? It’s been 6 years since my life stopped for mental illness. It’s been a LONG six years. I want my life back. But I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to get it back again. (sigh) Such a pickle. But I’ve decided that staying here is not an option. It’s a long climb back up the mountain but staying at the bottom is not worth missing the sunset. (sigh) I like that. I want to see the sunset again.

3-9-10          11am

• Twirling on a dance floor
• Maruchan ramen
• Great seams
• The sunset
• Good jazz music
• Mom’s funny faces
• Remembering a good word
• Petting a kitty
• Hugging someone I love
• Clothes or shoes that fit just right
• Good food
• Talking to my aunt
• Seeing my grandma
• Singing to an audience
• A song on the radio with good memories
• Soft pink things
• Babies
• Funny fish
• A great journal
• Solving a math problem
• Dirt
• The happy face on the 52
• Flowers
• Dance music

3-8-10 12:46am

I wore the dress tonight. I wore a beautiful new little black dress that hugs all my curves and felt beautiful. I wore my favorite pink heels and jewelry – my Imagine ring, the necklace from the recognition dinner, a beaded bracelet, and dangling rhinestone earrings. No makeup. I thought about it, but I like my actual face. Hair just down. I felt beautiful. And I wasn’t dressing up for anyone but me. Andy met me at Bing Crosby’s. I’m not sure why and he left around 8. But I dressed up for myself. And it felt good, to feel good.

I sat there tonight and just watched people. Ate french fries I’m now convinced are the best in the world and watched. I had forgotten what it feels like to feel beautiful, to look in the mirror and not want to look away. I went in Express beforehand to exchange some pants and show off their handiwork from Friday. They showed me a cute belt that actually DID agree with me. However, I was able to dodge the $29 temptation and leave with the pants and some great compliments. It was nice to sit there tonight and just listen, just for me. I wished I had invited some people to share the moment, but it was still a great moment. I wore the dress.

All day today I’d been ambivalent. I woke up excited to wear it, confused by the excitement. Then I got nervous. Why would I wear this dress? There is no occasion, nothing special. Just wear it, dammit! Then I tried it on. Mmmmm. Felt pretty. I felt excited again. I’m glad I actually did.

At Bing’s I thought about how I want 24 to be different. Tomorrow (or today really) is my 24^th birthday.

Things I want to do with 24:

• Do things to make me happy or things that make me feel good
• See a movie every week or every 2 weeks – with someone or alone
• Wear clothes that show off my body and make me feel beautiful
• Dance with Russell
• Go to the Shout House
• Go ice skating
• Go to at least 1 play per season
• See an outdoor movie in Hillcrest
• Go to Possum Trot
• Try to go to the BYU Classic
• Get my toes done at least twice
• Go to the beach in the summer and go in the water
• Wear jewelry
• Make my life and surroundings represent who I am now, what I love, what makes me complete, good memories
• Say No
• Say Yes
• Tell the truth, even when it’s scary or not socially acceptable
• Keep writing
• Have fun alone

Tim says I am a young searcher. He’s right. Like an archaeologist on an adventure. I don’t know what I’m searching for but I’m open to exploring whatever I find. :)

(Note: AT means Automatic Thought. Also, I know it’s lying and not laying but I like the word laying better.)

3-6-10   9:20pm

Snow White totally crashed the bachelor pad.

I feel really zoned out. Tired. Even though I slept 13 hours and only took a shower, went to group, and tried to return some pants.

I want to write but I’m exhausted and I’m watching Snow White. The movie is enchanting, the commercials distracting. Mom’s playing games online…

10:50pm

I feel like crying. I’m laying on Mom’s bed half-watching The Incredibles. Snow White is over.

11:18pm

I just called Jane’s voicemail simply to hear her voice. I’m watching The Incredibles for like the 10^th time. I did talk about stupid people at Alvarado. Not much of a response. What did I expect?

Andy wants to go to Bing’s tomorrow. Please don’t. I bought a beautiful dress to celebrate my birthday at Bing’s, but I didn’t invite anyone. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to wear the dress. I don’t want people to tell me I look beautiful when I think that I’m ugly, or when I know that I’m not but don’t believe it. I want to cry. I want to be invisible in my favorite chair and curl up and cry while Sacha sings, for no one to see me… It’s better that way.

I am alone…

DS’s advice today was to just avoid stupid people and people who hurt you. I can’t do that. It’s almost everyone. I don’t want to be alone but I just can’t stand people.

The people I want to hang out with I can’t and the people who want to hang out with me I don’t want to be around.

People I’d Like to Spend Time With:

Jane – lives in Iowa, never available

Sarah – lives in Boston

S – I’m afraid to ask her to hang out with me

ATs – She hates me. I’m crazy. No one would ever want me. I don’t deserve to hang out with her. We have nothing in common. She is above me. I am nothing.

T – doesn’t want me.

ATs – I’ve shared too much. He hates me. I’m a freak. I should avoid him. He’ll never want to talk to me again. I have the social skills of a 4 year old. I’m no better than -, and we call him Demon Spawn. I belong in groups of crazy people. I am nothing.

Stan –

I can’t have what I want. I’m stuck in the pattern. Do I hate myself or do I hate the world? Right now I hate both. That’s the worst. I’m not even on my own side.

There are people who say everything is as it should be, that nothing is wrong. God doesn’t make anything that’s not perfect. They’re wrong. And they’re not perfect either…

I feel like I’m just fading away, like the new composting Sun Chips bag. Several weeks from now I will have disappeared. (I keep smelling water vapor & I don’t know why.)

I had a dream last night. I was at a convention with Elizabeth and Jane. (I hate the lingering smell of a sneeze.) I was extremely depressed and acting bizarre. Jane asked if I was okay. I said yes. The meeting space had windows looking in on a large courtyard and for some reason I was driving a car through it crashing into things. Elizabeth watched me crash into a light post through the window. I watched her watch me. I knew it was coming.

She 5150d me. I was scared but grateful. I was scared because we weren’t in CA and different states have different patient rights. But I ended up in a medical until and my mom was having surgery. For some reason I had a catheter but the bag was too small. I went with some people to try to save this woman at her house, still trying to figure out the catheter and then was debating on how many of my smuggled Xanax to take before I was executed. I really didn’t want to do that process.

It was a disturbing dream but it was comforting to see Elizabeth, to know she cares, even in dreams. I miss our talks. I miss her checking in on me. No one really checks in on me. There is great Cog material in my journal but Jim doesn’t do Cog and there just isn’t time. I feel like the Hatter. I so am the Hatter.

He is genuine, crazy, has a dream. All he wants is Alice and she doesn’t want him back. She leaves. His glory is lonely. He lives in fantasy.

I need cookies & milk and a kitty.

People Who Want to Spend Time with Me:

(list of people…)

My Friends and Friends Of don’t match. ;)

3-6-10   7:19pm

I’m running into problems with memories. Not that I have too few but too many. Everything has a memory. There are many things I don’t remember but there are SO many things I do. I remember seemingly unimportant minute details of events years ago. They’re not unimportant to me. But people don’t appreciate them.

It’s clothes that get me today. Every item has a memory. A lot of my clothes don’t fit and I don’t have a lot of money or credit to buy new ones, but I can’t go back to the old. Because everything has a memory. The shirt I’m wearing today I wore on East Wing 2. I wore it the last day I saw Wendelien. The green capris I bought with Sarah when I got fired from St. Mad’s and wore to an interview at Alpine. The pink sweater with puffy sleeves is from Meeting of the Minds 2008 and I can’t wear my nice gray pants that now fit without remembering/reliving the Hell at H&R Block. Each sweater, shirt, jacket, sock, or pair of underwear has a memory, tells a story. There are sets of clothes that go with different periods of my life. I don’t want to go back there. I want something different. Something I can tack a new memory to. I can’t let go of my past if I’m literally wearing it every day.

So what do you do when you’re surrounded by and clothed in memories you don’t want to remember?

It’s similar for objects I own and the primary reason I don’t get rid of things. If I lose the thing, I don’t remember the memory. Even if I don’t want to think about it all the time, I don’t want to forget.

3-5-10   10:38pm

My head hurts. Pressure over my right eye, as usual. Just took some Excedrin.

I had a pretty good day. Barb thinks my strategy is broken, not me. I’m sick of people telling me I’m not broken. What Barb said about there being opportunity for change in my relationships gave me a little bit of hope. But it doesn’t mean I’m not broken.

I know there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Deep down in my core I know it. My body itself and my brain do not work right. Religion tells us to be broken and beautiful. I am. I’m accepting the fact that I’m not perfect. I do have flaws and I have to live with them. I have to love myself in spite of them and love them as well. I am complete in my brokenness. I am a whole human being.

Being broken isn’t a bad thing. It’s natural. Accepting the brokenness, seeing the beauty seems out of the ordinary. It shouldn’t be. I’m tired of hiding in shame, feeling like I’m a horrible person. I’m not. I’m different, but that doesn’t mean bad.

Evaluating who I really am, what I actually have and have to offer allows me to choose what to do with it, where to go, who I want to hang on to and who it’s probably time to let go. Because being broken shouldn’t take my happiness. And I shouldn’t give it away.

It is the pieces that make me strong. My skills and talents all come from the cracks. Each new line brings opportunity through pain and then encouragement. If I wasn’t broken I wouldn’t be where I am or know what I do or have the same compassion for others. I might also not be as cynical or jaded, but it comes with the territory.

I feel proud to be broken. Empowered through brokenness.

3-1-10 11:43pm

“Can anybody hear me? The silence is deafening. Why do you feel so far away?” – Meredith Andrews, Can Anybody Hear Me

My mind is racing. My body is shaking. I just keep thinking, “I am broken.” I am damaged goods. That was the core belief I was working on with Marc in the white testing dance journal in 2005 with the bubbles.

I’ve been thinking about Tim’s email, what to send back. I should’ve known. I didn’t follow the rules. (Damn I wish that song would stop.) My body is shutting down. I am broken.

There are many reasons, besides my age, someone like Tim wouldn’t want me. There are a plethora of red flags. We don’t buy broken merchandise. I don’t buy things with marred packaging. I certainly don’t want something broken. Yet, that is what I have to offer.

I am broken. My body, my heart, my mind. I have some unknown neurological movement disorder that makes me twitch and jerk like a freak. I can’t predict my level of functioning. I live with my mom and I don’t drive and don’t want to. I have insurmountable debt. I’m scared of people. I’m trying really hard not to be. I go to doctors and groups and therapy. I have mental illnesses. It’s easier to say, “I’m crazy.” People just brush it off. But most of the time I’m not crazy, just sick.

I don’t take vacations. I’ve never been on a vacation. If I mention a vacation I’m talking about spending time in the hospital. I have seen and learned a lot there, experienced. It changes you to know the system so well.

People ask how I am and I say, “Okay.” But I’m not okay… I am broken. I feel overwhelmed and hurt and scared and LONELY, and happy and sad and pissed. And I don’t know what to do with it because people don’t buy broken. The ones who do want a discount or they want to fix me. But I don’t want to be fixed. I want someone to love me for my brokenness, to love me just because.

I can’t change that I’m an old person stuck in a young person’s body that’s failing, that I love Play-Doh and touching things and all sorts of music, that I make seemingly random associations that make perfect sense only to me, or that I appreciate the little things. That’s just me. I eat hot dogs and pick dandelions and cry. I stay up all night, rock myself to sleep, and give the homeless guy on the corner my last $20 – just because. I give everything I have because I’ve got nothing to lose – only hope. And the hope comes back. It’s just a bit weaker every time.

I hate going through that process:

Don’t get excited about this person. They will hurt you.
No, he seems safe enough, even nice.
Be careful, Michelle.
No, I’m gonna take a chance.
(Feel hopeful and excited for a time – then the crash)
See, I told you they weren’t safe. You should’ve listened. You’re broken. Remember? You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve to be happy.
You’re right. If only I’d followed the rules.

But I did. I followed the one that says take chances and risks but know that you WILL get burned. I just forgot about the burn part…

Sudden exhaustion & need for more biscuits and gravy.

2-21-10 10:28pm

What is it I like about Bing’s?

• The people
• The music
• The atmosphere
• The fact that it’s separate from the drama of my life. That’s not to say there isn’t drama. There certainly is. But it’s different, and it’s not mine.
• I get to choose what these people see. They don’t know my history. I get to start fresh. I’m just another patron, for now.
• I like that I feel like I fit in – mostly. I’m trying to find or make my own Cheers. It’s like the theme song says:

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. You want to be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You want to be where everybody knows your name.

• I like it because much of the time I just can’t stop smiling.

And I thank God for that. :)

Today’s Successes:

• DBSA work
• I made 2 things and ate 3 times – hot dogs, a salad at Bing’s, and frozen mac and cheese.
• I talked to new people.
• I talked to people I know and was honest, even though it’s scary.
• Instead of sleeping or continuing to feel shitty, I did something to make myself feel better.
• I smelled the lilies. :)

2-21-10 8pm

My doctor changed the dose of one of my meds this week. Not usually a problem. But this change made me excessively nervous – not because of the medication but the pill. It looks like a bumblebee. It is a half-yellow half-black capsule. Who the fuck makes a pill like that? Really. I said, “I cannot swallow a bumblebee.”

I had planned to find a pharmacy that carried an alternate manufacturer, researched it out, but I didn’t have the energy. So I sat facing this bumblebee. I was very concerned about this thing many people might call unimportant. But it’s not. Would YOU swallow a bumblebee?

I was surprised how it turned out. It was almost 5am. I was exhausted, shuffling around my room getting ready for bed. The bumblebee was in my handful of pills and, somewhere between throwing things over my clothes rack and putting stuff away, I took them. And I paused to ask myself, “What did I just take?” Hmmm… Ack! What? I swallowed a bumblebee. And it didn’t actually kill me.

I actually do like bumblebees. Have you ever pet one? Livin’ on the edge. ;) Maybe I’ll name them. Like Tubby the Tuba – the name given to the pills Mom first taught me to swallow. I think tonight’s will be Fred. That name reminds me of Hello, Dolly… :)

I come here. I dance my favorite dances. I ride Dumbo. I twirl in the rain. I stomp my feet and jump up and down and laugh and get dirty and stand barefoot in wet grass. I close my eyes when I listen to great music. I watch people I love.

2-21-10 7:37pm

2-21-10 7pm

I was feeling so incredibly sad today. I finished the agendas – both regular and special – and the projected expenses for the meeting tomorrow night. I Facebooked a little. I felt simply awful.

Mom is fighting with me over everything, all of the time. And I woke up again today overwhelmed by my blankets and unable to get away from my dreams. The stuff on my table was overwhelming me. Friends IMed me on Facebook. I didn’t want to talk. I just needed to get OUT.

So I decided to come to Bing Crosby’s. This place. It’s magical. I walked in the doors and found a seat. What a treasure. I felt my body change, almost instantly. I couldn’t not smile. I felt hopeful. It was like stepping into an alternate universe, only this one’s actually real. It’s not all fantasy. I could do without the huge tvs. But this, this is a great un-fantasy.

11:30pm 2/20/10

I watched the raindrops fall slowly down the car window tonight, some alone, others taking ones with them. And I wondered, just what is the purpose of a raindrop? A single raindrop? What does it do? It has no control over where it goes, what happens to it, the pattern it makes when it falls. It just falls. It goes where God put it. If I were that raindrop, I might think that I had no purpose. To make a car dirty or to end up in the gutter, to be wiped off a windshield as if I were nothing. Most people dislike the rain. I might have no purpose. But I am part of something bigger. A part of something great and powerful that carves into hillsides and washes houses away. Something that makes the flowers grow and makes people pause. A single raindrop can’t change the world on its own, but surely it has a purpose. And I don’t ever hear it ask. But I still wonder, does the raindrop know? What is the purpose of a raindrop?

2-21-10 1:29am

I felt truly happy tonight, pure joy. I cherish that feeling. It doesn’t come very often. I paused for a moment to take it all in, to close my eyes and just experience. I knew it would pass and I would forget, so I wrote it down.

2-20-10 10pm
Observe & Describe

• I feel a little bit cold but comfortable.
• Goosebumps on my arms but warm inside.
• I can’t stop smiling involuntarily.
• I feel happy.
• A bit nervous but calm, excited.
• I feel genuinely good.
• I’m proud of myself.
• I feel warm and accepted, by me.

I need to put myself in positions to feel this way more often.

2-21-10 1:02am

So, I like to write. I write a lot, and people have been trying to get me to start a blog for some time. At first the idea intrigued me, but what would I write? What is it I want to share with the world? Andrew said what I post on my FB page is entertaining enough, but I already do that on FB. What would be the purpose of this new thing?

Tonight a new friend mentioned I should start a blog. Then when I got home I had a message from someone else, same idea. The universe keeps telling me. I’m thinking I should listen.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and writing about change, about trusting people, and about comfort. There aren’t many people I share with or trust. Frankly, people scare me. I want to get out of my comfort zone though and step into a new one. However, that means doing what I’m scared of. If doing what I’ve always done gets me what I’ve always had and I don’t want that, I must do something else. But the things I don’t do I avoid because they’re scary. So, to get to the comfort, I need to make myself uncomfortable. Share even though it’s scary and means I might get hurt. Keep sharing when I do. Go places I don’t normally go. Talk to people. Eat new foods. Wear new colors. Say yes to things that make me nervous and no to things that make me mad. The ultimate exposure assignment. And share the experience. Gosh, it’s scary but exciting.

So, the purpose of this new thing is to share what I normally don’t, to take a chance, and to write along the journey towards happiness.

Today’s Successes:

• I got out of my house.
• Shared very personal writing with someone new, even though it made me really nervous.
• Met a friend from FB.
• Danced with someone I don’t know and really enjoyed it.
• Ordered something new.
• Let myself feel happy.
• Started a blog.

Thank you to Sacha and Traci and Andrew. Let the blogging begin. :)