(Note: AT means Automatic Thought. Also, I know it’s lying and not laying but I like the word laying better.)
Snow White totally crashed the bachelor pad.
I feel really zoned out. Tired. Even though I slept 13 hours and only took a shower, went to group, and tried to return some pants.
I want to write but I’m exhausted and I’m watching Snow White. The movie is enchanting, the commercials distracting. Mom’s playing games online…
I feel like crying. I’m laying on Mom’s bed half-watching The Incredibles. Snow White is over.
I just called Jane’s voicemail simply to hear her voice. I’m watching The Incredibles for like the 10th time. I did talk about stupid people at Alvarado. Not much of a response. What did I expect?
Andy wants to go to Bing’s tomorrow. Please don’t. I bought a beautiful dress to celebrate my birthday at Bing’s, but I didn’t invite anyone. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to wear the dress. I don’t want people to tell me I look beautiful when I think that I’m ugly, or when I know that I’m not but don’t believe it. I want to cry. I want to be invisible in my favorite chair and curl up and cry while Sacha sings, for no one to see me… It’s better that way.
I am alone…
DS’s advice today was to just avoid stupid people and people who hurt you. I can’t do that. It’s almost everyone. I don’t want to be alone but I just can’t stand people.
The people I want to hang out with I can’t and the people who want to hang out with me I don’t want to be around.
People I’d Like to Spend Time With:
Jane – lives in Iowa, never available
Sarah – lives in Boston
S – I’m afraid to ask her to hang out with me
ATs – She hates me. I’m crazy. No one would ever want me. I don’t deserve to hang out with her. We have nothing in common. She is above me. I am nothing.
T – doesn’t want me.
ATs – I’ve shared too much. He hates me. I’m a freak. I should avoid him. He’ll never want to talk to me again. I have the social skills of a 4 year old. I’m no better than -, and we call him Demon Spawn. I belong in groups of crazy people. I am nothing.
I can’t have what I want. I’m stuck in the pattern. Do I hate myself or do I hate the world? Right now I hate both. That’s the worst. I’m not even on my own side.
There are people who say everything is as it should be, that nothing is wrong. God doesn’t make anything that’s not perfect. They’re wrong. And they’re not perfect either…
I feel like I’m just fading away, like the new composting Sun Chips bag. Several weeks from now I will have disappeared. (I keep smelling water vapor & I don’t know why.)
I had a dream last night. I was at a convention with Elizabeth and Jane. (I hate the lingering smell of a sneeze.) I was extremely depressed and acting bizarre. Jane asked if I was okay. I said yes. The meeting space had windows looking in on a large courtyard and for some reason I was driving a car through it crashing into things. Elizabeth watched me crash into a light post through the window. I watched her watch me. I knew it was coming.
She 5150d me. I was scared but grateful. I was scared because we weren’t in CA and different states have different patient rights. But I ended up in a medical until and my mom was having surgery. For some reason I had a catheter but the bag was too small. I went with some people to try to save this woman at her house, still trying to figure out the catheter and then was debating on how many of my smuggled Xanax to take before I was executed. I really didn’t want to do that process.
It was a disturbing dream but it was comforting to see Elizabeth, to know she cares, even in dreams. I miss our talks. I miss her checking in on me. No one really checks in on me. There is great Cog material in my journal but Jim doesn’t do Cog and there just isn’t time. I feel like the Hatter. I so am the Hatter.
He is genuine, crazy, has a dream. All he wants is Alice and she doesn’t want him back. She leaves. His glory is lonely. He lives in fantasy.
I need cookies & milk and a kitty.
People Who Want to Spend Time with Me:
(list of people…)
My Friends and Friends Of don’t match. ;)