A Vessel

5/22/16     11:40am

Love and Compassion and Understanding flow through me.

Breathe… (smile, listen to sermon)
The air burns my throat as I take it in. My feet press against the pew and there is pressure on the bridge of my nose. I’m thinking slowly, bandwidth consumed. My eyes and temples hurt.

Pain flows through me, shakes every cell in my body. But it’s not mine. Hands open, arms wide, I breathe it out. The negative energy crashes over and through. It exhausts but doesn’t take me down. I’M STILL STANDING. God holds me up.

Love and compassion and understanding flow through me. When filled with anger and hurt I don’t lash out. I am quiet, listening, processing, able to make a choice. I speak slowly and what comes out is truth and compassion. It’s not mine either. I watch.

I’ve prayed for years for God to speak through me and to me, to make me a vessel only for Him. I pray for Him to speak through others and I listen. I couldn’t comprehend how much that would hurt or how much it would bless me. I am not who I was. She haunts me. He holds me. And I breathe…

The Devil attacks me. He WILL not bring me down.

I need to move my body, change more energy at home, allow myself to let go. Take back the breath.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2016

A colony of crickets

7/17/12     12:14am

Big eyes.
       I want to be like Daddy.
       If I’m like Daddy, then he’ll love me.

I like George Bob. He’s my new plant. D-‘s concerned about me. I’m okay. Just young and in touch with the energy of the universe. I feel joy and my head is expanding. I feel pressure on all sides, want to sleep in my backyard. My toe burns. I wish I was seeing Dr. N tomorrow. I feel frenzied.

D- said he doesn’t believe that I believe I’m crazy. I do. I find that offensive. Crazy is at the core of my being. It’s who I am. I take pride in it. It has led me on this journey and given me wisdom. Crazy is me. I follow in my father’s footsteps. The gift has given me plenty. I don’t most days consider myself ill. I rarely think about diagnosis. I just experience, use the tools and grow. I learn from the richness of that which is crazy, that which is God and my life. 

I hope D- doesn’t freak out. I didn’t mean to weird him out with my imagination and energy stories and George Bob. The vibe. I can’t close my eyes but I can’t stop smiling and my face feels warm joy. :)

I feel like smashing George Bob.
I don’t know why.

I feel my heart beat in my stomach and I don’t know why. My thoughts have an odd cadence and they start to rhyme. When the rain in Spain falls on the plain in late July, I shall have to recommend that I do go awry. In the sky. In the nigh. On the mend. Amen.

I bought a plant named Bob in a pot named George at Ralphs on a Monday night after a board meeting and a crisis group. I did very well leading the group. Zoe makes funny sounds. My elbow hurts.

I want to run away.


I took a mindful walk. Just got back. A beautiful experience. I was anxious, paranoid – needed to go – and scared that something would get me. I prayed and forged on, not willing to stop. It was a wonderful experience.

Cool breeze on my face. Trust. Night. I came upon a colony of crickets, the sound of which I’d never heard. A mighty wave. A binaural beat. The scent of gardenias danced in the air. I discovered a new crack in the way I hadn’t seen. I feel so much better. Mom’s mad because it’s 1am. Well she can mind her own fucking business. I’m experience the universe here. God can’t wait.

My brain is in orange pin curls. I want to talk to Dr. N. I want to talk to Dr. N. And color.

I just remembered L- is coming in the morning. I want to make it through my research tomorrow, get my $-. I don’t think it’s a good day to meet with R-. I should cancel that. The universe calls and its strength is uncanny. Its power is unkempt. Dangerous, yet beautiful. I’d say I’m a 7 leaning on an 8. I want to see Dr. N. I don’t want to stop the connection, just be in the right neighborhood. (rocking) I feel like playing Legos. And crying. I love George Bob.

I do not feel like sleeping.
I am very sleepy.
I shall listen to the colony of crickets.
Left to right. Left to right.

A colony of crickets.
I want to see Dr. N.

People get weirded out when I’m like this. They impose their own fears and judgments. I know how to keep myself safe.  I’ve been doing it for 26 years. I haven’t died or been injured or injured myself or someone else. I haven’t committed a crime or been arrested. My life is plain. I appreciate the excitement before the paranoia. LEAVE ME ALONE.

I have the energy of the universe in me. I hear music and the crickets. And I rock.

I wonder if other people feel how fast the world is spinning…

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012 

Anita sings the sky

7-15-12     7:45ish pm

Jamie plays the circles that are purple.

At Dizzy’s.
Feeling fragile.
They don’t have my soda.
Flute lady is playing.
Candles are flashing.
                              Like LSD.

Got to sit with the Lizfest people. I like them. Hugged Chuck. I went on a boat today. Flute lady makes me crazy. Jumbles my brains. Maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t mind being psychotic now and then. Candles are warm.

Chuck says I look worn. I am.

Mixing drugs – Lori’s flute, Jamie’s electric violin, Mikan’s keys. Bluegrass later. My mind spins.

The sound moves in a counterclockwise motion. I feel vibration. The light flickers. I glide back and forth. Springs dangle. Orange hovers in the night. Brown never touches the ground. 

If time was a feeling it would float. Like dust in the air. Time flurries. Body & soul. And bread…

Orange. Thick on the ground, fills my soul, envelopes my mind. Beat beat, flicker, stomp (yell!). I do despise the yelling. Slam! Pause  Too much mind…

My eyeballs. They float in it. Time.


I feel sad that Allison be here. She no voice be drug. Fairytale not psychadelic. Hummmmmm.
          Too much dichotomy. Too low for her. Makes mind hurt.

Feel like I’m being attacked by a flute bird wielding a strobe light accompanied by an attack band. Quite the posse. –

:) Mikan’s trio

The pirates aren’t coming.  They’re always here. They live among us. I only can see them sometimes. I feel them in my cheeks.

Oh do play a ballad please.
The drums are killin’ me.

I prefer when Allison sings Allison in Allison keys. This night confuses me. Grandly.

I wanted to come tonight to see friends, be around people, have me time and experience music – a most powerful drug and often mood lifter. I forgot flute Lori would be here. I feel overwhelmed.

Mindfulness of Emotion (anxiety):
Face – teeth clenched, eyes squinty, cheeks tight
Body – barely breathing, legs crossed, dizzy, rocking, feel energy coursing through me, tight muscles, runny nose, light/noise intolerance.

Action urges – leave, scream, take a break, cry, do nothing

(rock to trio – thankful)

The best closing.

Mikan makes emotions.
Jamie makes the world unwind.
Lori twists it tighter clockwise & brings the pirates.
Allison sings the fairytale.
I don’t know what Duncan does.
He feels like middle school.
Haven’t met the other guy.

This night is confusing & uncohesive.
What’s the word for that? I do love music though. I miss these people.

(smile) the encore is a good ending.
I keep thinking “Anita sings the sky.”

7/15/12     10:35pm

I feel God.
          I feel warm.
                    I feel love.

My skin feels warm. My mind is calm. My lips are hot. Cry Holy.

Music + Hugs + Acceptance + Positive socialization = PEACE

                    God is in me.
                    And God IS me.


The energy of the universe wells up in me. I am warm. My body temperature is rising. My face feels tingly. I feel it in me. Head pain. I start to feel very hot. Need to sing. It must pour from me. Make beautiful music. Anita sings the sky.

I feel the God within me. (Hum…)
I feel the God within me.

                    Hear my heart beat.
                    I am alive. 

I have FAITH.
          I BELIEVE.
     I have OUR FATHER.

– is not my friend.
(statement crashed the energy)

(singing prayer)

I am so sleepy.
Thank God for music friends.
Need a hug.
(put on Jamie’s robe)
I’m renaming it The Hug Robe.
Thank you. <3

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012 

I found myself in a Walmart mirror

7/13/12     8:05pm

Just got to the airport. Chuck‘s playing with Beat.itude. Ran into Barbara. Chuck’s with his grandson. I’m late ‘cuz I bought a homeless man KFC but it let me see a beautiful sunset.

Mom smashed her finger in the garage door today causing her body to go into shock. She was confused and cold, sweating profusely, throwing up, unsteady. It was bad. She refused to go to urgent care and I had to leave so I had the neighbor come sit with her. When I got home a few hours later she was still out of it but a bit better. She just came back to life around 5 o’clock, has no recollection of most of the day.

I feel a warm happiness, a lessening of senses. The past few days I have been dissociated but on alert, joyful and terrified, physically anxious and at peace. At the same time. Yeah.

Last night Joe mentioned he likes all my recent changes. I do too, although I haven’t paid them much attention. I guess I have changed a lot.

(ground noise from the speaker)

The music gives me tingles…
A gathering of souls.


I cut my hair last month, changed my bangs. Bought new clothes, started wearing dresses and shorts. I got new jewelry, wear a flower in my hair. I am tan from riding the bus. I got my toenails done. I redid my room. I bought a special bra. I restructured my finances. I see my therapist less often.

I’ve been largely without thought, not writing, cancelling events, tired. Attending to me. I like me. I named the nodule on my thyroid Steve, stopped reading my email. My body hurts. Me hurts. But I like me.

I found myself in a Walmart mirror on the 2nd floor in the kids section. Quite by accident. When I saw her I turned around and went back. We talked. Now we talk every time I’m there. The mirror doesn’t lie to me. It shows who’s in the driver’s seat. She tells me how she’s doing. Mirrors at home don’t work this way. (music energy)

I found my self in a Walmart mirror. She misses dancing. She likes my new room.

I feel energy lately. I’m open to it. Good and bad. Colors, frequencies.

I took a nap today.
I need some energy.
And a Walmart mirror.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012


5-26-10                 12:37am

The music is so loud in my head tonight that it hurts my ears. My right eye is being pushed out of its socket. I’m down to one of the four lightbulbs in my fixture and even that’s too bright. I need to bring back my bed umbrella.

I am exhausted. I did too much today. And now my body hurts. I need desperately to sleep but don’t want to. I’m also very agitated. At least my left foot is. It won’t stop moving really fast, which makes falling asleep next to impossible. It’s like my body’s plugged into a power grid, and yet I feel exhausted.

This umbrella in my living room helps me tonight.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Never Break the Sunrise Rule

5-17-10                 12:50pm

So, if you didn’t read my last post, there’s a sunrise rule. Never break the sunrise rule. Grrr. It’s never good.

I can stay up all night every night as long as I go to bed before sunrise. I can fall asleep to the birds chirping and the glow outside, but if I don’t go to sleep then… First I get really happy, hypomanic. Then I get very agitated, then exhausted. I used to be able to just stay up for the day. Not anymore. The happiness also used to last. Also not anymore.

So I went to bed around 8am. Set my alarm for 9am because I really wanted to go to this free concert in La Jolla at noon. I ignored the alarm. Then my phone kept going off. Really? Why do people call me in the morning? It’s evil. At 11am my pdoc called for the second time so I answered the phone. I could barely understand what he was saying. I layed back down and the phone rang again. My neuro’s receptionist arguing with me, trying to convince me that I did NOT call twice last week. Really? Cuz I think I would know. And I checked my phone. Going back to sleep is not possible since it’s now light out and I did not take my Seroquel, since that would make getting up in less than eight hours almost impossible. So now I’m stuck with this dilemma. I have energy though I’m tired and I’m up. It’s only almost 1pm. I have nowhere to go. I need to write minutes and an agenda for the board meeting tonight and write a letter and mail some packages, but none of that is interesting. I’m hungry, but for some reason my mom’s not awake. I don’t know why she’s still sleeping. And she got angry when I asked. She said, “You sleep ALL day. Why do I have to be up?” Geez. I don’t care if she sleeps. It’s just out of character.

Note to self:

Never break the sunrise rule. Always take your Seroquel. And learn to cook so you don’t stave. Otherwise, you’ll have nothing to do, too much energy, and go crazy.


© Michelle Routhieaux 2010