A colony of crickets

7/17/12     12:14am

Big eyes.
       I want to be like Daddy.
       If I’m like Daddy, then he’ll love me.

I like George Bob. He’s my new plant. D-‘s concerned about me. I’m okay. Just young and in touch with the energy of the universe. I feel joy and my head is expanding. I feel pressure on all sides, want to sleep in my backyard. My toe burns. I wish I was seeing Dr. N tomorrow. I feel frenzied.

D- said he doesn’t believe that I believe I’m crazy. I do. I find that offensive. Crazy is at the core of my being. It’s who I am. I take pride in it. It has led me on this journey and given me wisdom. Crazy is me. I follow in my father’s footsteps. The gift has given me plenty. I don’t most days consider myself ill. I rarely think about diagnosis. I just experience, use the tools and grow. I learn from the richness of that which is crazy, that which is God and my life. 

I hope D- doesn’t freak out. I didn’t mean to weird him out with my imagination and energy stories and George Bob. The vibe. I can’t close my eyes but I can’t stop smiling and my face feels warm joy. :)

I feel like smashing George Bob.
I don’t know why.

I feel my heart beat in my stomach and I don’t know why. My thoughts have an odd cadence and they start to rhyme. When the rain in Spain falls on the plain in late July, I shall have to recommend that I do go awry. In the sky. In the nigh. On the mend. Amen.

I bought a plant named Bob in a pot named George at Ralphs on a Monday night after a board meeting and a crisis group. I did very well leading the group. Zoe makes funny sounds. My elbow hurts.

I want to run away.


I took a mindful walk. Just got back. A beautiful experience. I was anxious, paranoid – needed to go – and scared that something would get me. I prayed and forged on, not willing to stop. It was a wonderful experience.

Cool breeze on my face. Trust. Night. I came upon a colony of crickets, the sound of which I’d never heard. A mighty wave. A binaural beat. The scent of gardenias danced in the air. I discovered a new crack in the way I hadn’t seen. I feel so much better. Mom’s mad because it’s 1am. Well she can mind her own fucking business. I’m experience the universe here. God can’t wait.

My brain is in orange pin curls. I want to talk to Dr. N. I want to talk to Dr. N. And color.

I just remembered L- is coming in the morning. I want to make it through my research tomorrow, get my $-. I don’t think it’s a good day to meet with R-. I should cancel that. The universe calls and its strength is uncanny. Its power is unkempt. Dangerous, yet beautiful. I’d say I’m a 7 leaning on an 8. I want to see Dr. N. I don’t want to stop the connection, just be in the right neighborhood. (rocking) I feel like playing Legos. And crying. I love George Bob.

I do not feel like sleeping.
I am very sleepy.
I shall listen to the colony of crickets.
Left to right. Left to right.

A colony of crickets.
I want to see Dr. N.

People get weirded out when I’m like this. They impose their own fears and judgments. I know how to keep myself safe.  I’ve been doing it for 26 years. I haven’t died or been injured or injured myself or someone else. I haven’t committed a crime or been arrested. My life is plain. I appreciate the excitement before the paranoia. LEAVE ME ALONE.

I have the energy of the universe in me. I hear music and the crickets. And I rock.

I wonder if other people feel how fast the world is spinning…

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012 

Never Break the Sunrise Rule

5-17-10                 12:50pm

So, if you didn’t read my last post, there’s a sunrise rule. Never break the sunrise rule. Grrr. It’s never good.

I can stay up all night every night as long as I go to bed before sunrise. I can fall asleep to the birds chirping and the glow outside, but if I don’t go to sleep then… First I get really happy, hypomanic. Then I get very agitated, then exhausted. I used to be able to just stay up for the day. Not anymore. The happiness also used to last. Also not anymore.

So I went to bed around 8am. Set my alarm for 9am because I really wanted to go to this free concert in La Jolla at noon. I ignored the alarm. Then my phone kept going off. Really? Why do people call me in the morning? It’s evil. At 11am my pdoc called for the second time so I answered the phone. I could barely understand what he was saying. I layed back down and the phone rang again. My neuro’s receptionist arguing with me, trying to convince me that I did NOT call twice last week. Really? Cuz I think I would know. And I checked my phone. Going back to sleep is not possible since it’s now light out and I did not take my Seroquel, since that would make getting up in less than eight hours almost impossible. So now I’m stuck with this dilemma. I have energy though I’m tired and I’m up. It’s only almost 1pm. I have nowhere to go. I need to write minutes and an agenda for the board meeting tonight and write a letter and mail some packages, but none of that is interesting. I’m hungry, but for some reason my mom’s not awake. I don’t know why she’s still sleeping. And she got angry when I asked. She said, “You sleep ALL day. Why do I have to be up?” Geez. I don’t care if she sleeps. It’s just out of character.

Note to self:

Never break the sunrise rule. Always take your Seroquel. And learn to cook so you don’t stave. Otherwise, you’ll have nothing to do, too much energy, and go crazy.


© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Breaking the Sunrise Rule

5-17-10                 6:36am


Good music + breaking my rule about staying up past sunrise = hypomania. YAY! Lol. It’ll only last for a few hours, but gosh it feels good.

I feel accomplished today. It’s not something I feel very often. Thirteen pages of Excel documents later I’ve finally made sense of my org’s finances. Maybe not the way an accountant would but it makes sense to me and they refused to hire one. It involved screaming, Xanax, laying on the sidewalk outside watching the ants for awhile and imagining the cars whizzing by were waves, a 5 hour nap, a taco salad, and a very long night. But it’s done! (big sigh) And it wasn’t done on the energy of hypomania either. That came after.

I’m debating on whether I should, no whether I will, sleep this morning or not. I know I should. But I feel so God damn great. Full of energy with the morning coldness and glow. (dreamy sigh and big smile) A few hours ago I was leaning on my clothes line repeating “I hate my life. I hate my life.” Now I love my life. It’s more like I love this moment. Life is beyond me.

Board meeting tonight. There’s a free concert I’d like to go to at noon in La Jolla, which means I’d have to catch the bus at 9:40 and walk a ways. Still have the minutes and agenda to do. Also need to get started on this month’s newsletter. And get a hold of Ken to get all the info I possibly can about the concert this Friday that I have done NO promotion for because I have no information. ACK! It’s fucking crazy, I tell you. Crazy.

When there’s this much energy coursing through my body it’s hard to decide what to do. Sleep is relatively impossible. But I don’t feel like sitting in one place to type an agenda or think about minutes. I just want to walk in circles or bounce up and down and giggle. If the things around me were organized it might be easier to find something to do.

(sigh) Grrrr… The energy also adds to my ability to be easily pissed off. I got this HUGE project done last night and mom wants to know if every other project that crosses her mind is done and why not. AHHHH! SHUT UP! Just sleep. Just sleep and pretend I’m not here. Okay?

Do they make radios without commercials? They’re so annoying.

(very agitated, leg tapping incessantly, eyebrows furled) Grrr… (6:48am)

I shouldn’t break the sunrise rule. Gonna be a long day.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Be happy for my happiness, Spongebob

2-21-10 4:30am

I just said that to a friend. Be happy for my happiness, Spongebob.

Yes, I know it’s 4:30 in the morning but I’M HAPPYYYYYYYYYY! (said like “It’s Bacon!” from the Beggin’ Strips dog treats commercial). I want to skip down the middle of my street in the pouring rain and twirl around. (sigh) My happiness is tempered by mom’s barking about going to bed, but the rain is simply intoxicating.

I just listened to the whole cd I bought tonight. The music is even better to the rain. My Spongebob friend, whom I’ve never called Spongebob before, made reference to the difficulty in telling the difference between happiness and hypomania. I don’t really care what it is as long as it’s not destructive. Spending lots of money I don’t have, running in front of cars – bad. Bouncing up and down in the kitchen overwhelmed by the excitement of rain and good music and a good day – not bad.

Tonight I finished most of a project I thought would be really hard in about 10 minutes. I don’t anticipate it being difficult to complete. I did a bunch of fun things, took chances. And I feel GREAT… And I know if I continue to feel great it could be dangerous.

I hate the knowledge. (sigh, shake my head) I hate having to wonder when happy is too happy, if feeling happy tonight and then happy tomorrow will mean another “vacation” sometime soon. What do you do when you want nothing more than to be happy, to feel like I do tonight, but when you’re happy the happiness scares you? Is avoiding a dangerous high worth staying sad for? I don’t think so. Be happy for my happiness, Spongebob. And hope it doesn’t last long. I don’t want that to be my motto.

I want to feel free. I want to fly without fear, to run lightning fast without my mind stopping me. To walk on a beam successfully, you don’t look at your feet. You don’t think about dance, you just dance. Close your eyes and let your feet do the work, let your body feel the motion. Sense the people around you. Be happy for my happiness, Spongebob. I feel a little sad.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010