Can’t get the energy out

11/16/11     11:30pm

I need to take more seroquel. I can’t get the energy and rageful anger out. And I HATE the people that make me angry. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Sometimes it’s extreme happiness. I have nothing to do with it. NO place to put it. No dancing or music or LIFE. I CANNOT tolerate people and their stupidity and their nonsense making and their not rightness. I’m very happy that I lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks. I feel skinny again. I like to feel my insides. But  I’M GOING INSANE. Likely already there. Are there levels of insanity? Cuz I think I’ve been in the maze for awhile. Oooh, I like mazes. SHUT UP! AHHHHHHH!!!!! Xanax doesn’t touch it. It’s from beyond. The universe told me. The universe tells me lots of things. AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Grrrrrr. I have a million ideas I can’t iterate. Or do. I do NOT want to watch the tv. I stood in my living room tonight jumping up and down screaming shooting my arms at the sky then growling. I can’t get the energy out. They think it’s funny in choir. It doesn’t feel funny. It feels very VERY serious. Brain surgery saving the universe serious. Are you listening?! What am I talking about? Yes. That’s the point. I’m not manic. It’s different than mania. Close but no cigar. But whatever you call it, it needs to stop. Or I may just take over the universe. One growling scream session at a time. So there.

I need more pizza.

I’m not hungry but I don’t know what else to do than eat. And eat. And FB, which is extraordinarily boring right now since I’m tasked with saving the universe and all. But I don’t know from what. That could be a problem. I wish I belonged to a 24 hour gym. It flashes in my mind about ever 6 hours that tomorrow is the 10nth anniversary of my dad’s death. I have no way to get to the cemetery and I don’t want to go with my mom. And taxis are expensive. What I’m more concerned about is that I’m supposed to have lunch with this PR friend lady tomorrow and I haven’t heard from her. Life is death and death is ugly. I wonder if it’s possible to make death purple. Then it wouldn’t be ugly OR scary… What am I talking about again?

I need pizza.


I am exhausted. I can’t get the energy out. It’s buzzing buzzing through me.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

Cold Sweat

10-16-10              11:10pm

Cold sweat. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around people. I am exhausted but I don’t want to sleep. When my body won’t move, my mind won’t stop. When my mind won’t think, my body can’t rest. It’s cold and I’m sweating. The music in my head I don’t always understand and it’s all a blur. What is today?

Today, after sleeping for an hour, I worked a resource fair at a walk. I walked the 5K, talked to a girl who used to be my best friend and was reminded how much I miss her. When I am hungry I don’t know what to eat. When I am starving and wait a moment I forget. And when I get food, I don’t want to eat it. Or I can’t slow my eating enough to breathe.

The house is quiet tonight. I’ve been looking through pictures. Not the ones I wanted to be looking through. There are so many rolls that don’t matter. I really don’t give a shit about the 12,000 dance conventions I went to and every dance and every scene of every nutcracker. They don’t matter. They’re not my life. It is the people I remember. And it does feel good to remember. I forget so much these days that remembering exactly what happened on a particular day 15 years ago feels good. I left my purse at Chili’s the other night. I usually remember my purse and forget the food, but not this time. And I had no idea I’d left it until I tried to spend money. And it didn’t faze me. I didn’t really care.

Cold sweat. Trapped in my own body, my mind. Looking for pictures of me and my dad. I want to see him. I want to line up the progression, to watch it. My knowledge and experiences change the perspective so much. He can’t stay hidden. I don’t want him to be a secret anymore. He doesn’t even have a headstone. For that I feel ashamed. A bad daughter… In reality, just a daughter with no money. (deep breath)

I can’t keep running from myself. I am tired. So tired. 24/7 distraction is not sustainable. My therapist assumed my agitation is mostly from the whole mystery disease thing, but it’s not. When I wake up in the morning I’m not calm. I get these waves of stress/anxiety/agitation that aren’t connected to anything. I wasn’t particularly upset or triggered yesterday and I got so agitated that I was literally walking in circles in my backyard for 15 minutes. I don’t understand. (breath) I’m not sure I want to. I just want it to go away.

My therapist also asked what would happen if my symptoms never got any better or worse, stayed the same as they are now, and I lived to be 100. I think that would be the worst of all. For now, cold sweat.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Never Break the Sunrise Rule

5-17-10                 12:50pm

So, if you didn’t read my last post, there’s a sunrise rule. Never break the sunrise rule. Grrr. It’s never good.

I can stay up all night every night as long as I go to bed before sunrise. I can fall asleep to the birds chirping and the glow outside, but if I don’t go to sleep then… First I get really happy, hypomanic. Then I get very agitated, then exhausted. I used to be able to just stay up for the day. Not anymore. The happiness also used to last. Also not anymore.

So I went to bed around 8am. Set my alarm for 9am because I really wanted to go to this free concert in La Jolla at noon. I ignored the alarm. Then my phone kept going off. Really? Why do people call me in the morning? It’s evil. At 11am my pdoc called for the second time so I answered the phone. I could barely understand what he was saying. I layed back down and the phone rang again. My neuro’s receptionist arguing with me, trying to convince me that I did NOT call twice last week. Really? Cuz I think I would know. And I checked my phone. Going back to sleep is not possible since it’s now light out and I did not take my Seroquel, since that would make getting up in less than eight hours almost impossible. So now I’m stuck with this dilemma. I have energy though I’m tired and I’m up. It’s only almost 1pm. I have nowhere to go. I need to write minutes and an agenda for the board meeting tonight and write a letter and mail some packages, but none of that is interesting. I’m hungry, but for some reason my mom’s not awake. I don’t know why she’s still sleeping. And she got angry when I asked. She said, “You sleep ALL day. Why do I have to be up?” Geez. I don’t care if she sleeps. It’s just out of character.

Note to self:

Never break the sunrise rule. Always take your Seroquel. And learn to cook so you don’t stave. Otherwise, you’ll have nothing to do, too much energy, and go crazy.


© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Breaking the Sunrise Rule

5-17-10                 6:36am


Good music + breaking my rule about staying up past sunrise = hypomania. YAY! Lol. It’ll only last for a few hours, but gosh it feels good.

I feel accomplished today. It’s not something I feel very often. Thirteen pages of Excel documents later I’ve finally made sense of my org’s finances. Maybe not the way an accountant would but it makes sense to me and they refused to hire one. It involved screaming, Xanax, laying on the sidewalk outside watching the ants for awhile and imagining the cars whizzing by were waves, a 5 hour nap, a taco salad, and a very long night. But it’s done! (big sigh) And it wasn’t done on the energy of hypomania either. That came after.

I’m debating on whether I should, no whether I will, sleep this morning or not. I know I should. But I feel so God damn great. Full of energy with the morning coldness and glow. (dreamy sigh and big smile) A few hours ago I was leaning on my clothes line repeating “I hate my life. I hate my life.” Now I love my life. It’s more like I love this moment. Life is beyond me.

Board meeting tonight. There’s a free concert I’d like to go to at noon in La Jolla, which means I’d have to catch the bus at 9:40 and walk a ways. Still have the minutes and agenda to do. Also need to get started on this month’s newsletter. And get a hold of Ken to get all the info I possibly can about the concert this Friday that I have done NO promotion for because I have no information. ACK! It’s fucking crazy, I tell you. Crazy.

When there’s this much energy coursing through my body it’s hard to decide what to do. Sleep is relatively impossible. But I don’t feel like sitting in one place to type an agenda or think about minutes. I just want to walk in circles or bounce up and down and giggle. If the things around me were organized it might be easier to find something to do.

(sigh) Grrrr… The energy also adds to my ability to be easily pissed off. I got this HUGE project done last night and mom wants to know if every other project that crosses her mind is done and why not. AHHHH! SHUT UP! Just sleep. Just sleep and pretend I’m not here. Okay?

Do they make radios without commercials? They’re so annoying.

(very agitated, leg tapping incessantly, eyebrows furled) Grrr… (6:48am)

I shouldn’t break the sunrise rule. Gonna be a long day.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010