Classified

7/14/2017
© Michelle Routhieaux 2017

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Dancing a Prayer

2/19/16     9:17pm

I feel so much better after ECT today. I had a good conversation with Dr. M and an 86 second seizure. He said I can stop the Wellbutrin to hopefully lower the anxiety. There were no students today and the IV guy, D, waited to knock me out until I was done talking. Dr. M held my hand and left me a note. I just have to change the day of my next ECT. I feel safe. I can breathe.

I was so anxious before. I practiced willing hands, straightening my arms and breathing deeply. I reached to the sky and twisted and stretched. I meditated on the chorus of our gospel song “I Love You, Lord.” It’s slow and soothing. And I prayed, A LOT.

I walked into the treatment room praying I’d die on the table. I woke up feeling happy and free. I have a slight headache and I’m tired but I’m like a totally different person. I’m so grateful.

I danced a prayer in the back yard and drew two pictures. I was too tired to color. I ignored my phone most of the day and tried to limit my computer time. I didn’t eat but I put on classical music and lit a candle. I took care of me. I even had a great conversation with my mom tonight. She pointed out that I’m actually talking. Yeah, I guess I am. :) Praise God.

I’ve really been struggling the past few weeks. Every day I have fought back the urge to self-harm or die. My anxiety has been so high that I’ve literally been afraid of everything. I’ve gone back to bingeing, purging and restricting. And the most meaningful activity of my life has been taken from me. I’m no longer a nanny. I miss the girls so much. They’re family.

I’ve also been really scared that the ECT stopped working and nothing else could help pull me out. But today God proved me wrong, reminded me not to doubt Him. I need rest but feel joy and am grateful to be alive.

Thank you for believing in me and reading. I’m going to my aunt’s tomorrow. I love her so much. Maybe we can do our nails together. And I can walk. Yard sales first. Captain’s orders.

Love, Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2016

Indigo

3/7/15     6:40pm

I feel overwhelmed. I’m at Auntie’s and I can’t escape the noise.

(move outside)

I come here to escape the noise, the technology, the pain. This time I brought it with me. I helped Auntie learn her smart phone this afternoon and missed the sunset. Geodon is making me really sensitive to sound and I feel like everything is screaming at me – phone, tv, people.

I’m sitting on the porch now. I hear distant dogs barking, the hum of traffic on a nearby road. I try not to hear Steve Harvey on the tv inside. I look up and see sparking stars. They stand out, close and present, against the living night sky. A dark blue glow hugs the skyline – hills and plants. My salty desert dirt. I can’t smell it today. Allergies. If it wasn’t cold I’d sleep out here.

What do I want?

  • To have unpressured non-timed down time to be mindful in here
  • To teach Auntie her phone
  • To give gifts
  • To go to church
  • To scan photos

(stare at the stars, deep breath) Wow. The sprig of a tree stands out white in the night. I think I just learned the color indigo.

(watch the moths)
The cold is helping.
What I need is some place comfy for me to sit. That would reduce my anxiety and pain.

(stare at the stars)
They were really there, all the time.
(see a shooting star)
(ponder in which direction a “falling” star is moving)
(consider universal relativity)

This may be why I go crazy in the desert. For now, I’ll eat ice cream.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015

One freakout at a time

2-6-14     9:57am

I’m feeling really nervous. Too much awake time before the day starts. I started a really cool project last month. I think it’s God’s project because it wasn’t my thought before it fell out of my mouth, but I’m so nervous to do it. I got the approval a few days ago so it’s actually real now. I don’t want to fuck up or do it wrong or bring shame to me or my organization. I sound Asian. I know that’s racist. I don’t care. I want to do GOOD. I want to stay with the mindset I recently named Eyes. We are dynamic. But right now we are freaked out. I need an easy task to do. How I hate the smell of dog food. Do you think skies will mend?

To do this well I will need support and major organization. Let’s do it!

PS – I got cable in my room yesterday. I don’t think that’s a good thing.

PPS (5 minutes later) – I think my freakout is being exacerbated by thinking about another project I agreed to last week. While I was peeing I realized that it’s a lot bigger than I ‘d thought. Crap. One freakout at a time, people. ONE at a time. (series of zaps)

© Michelle Routhieaux

Damn varmints

11-3-12     8:20pm

Earlier I felt anxious and paranoid. Left a voicemail for Dr. N. Now I feel hopeless and doomed. And a bit paranoid. And my head hurts. :( I was feeling somewhat okay when the pain set in after the anxiety turned to weakness and confusion until my mom told me we change the clocks tonight. All bets are off.

You know, they say it’s daylight savings but there’s no saving involved. It’s more like a credit scam. I need to move to a state where they don’t change the clocks. Nothing gets me more than knowing that tomorrow my days will be lost and I will be cold for the next six months. Okay, some things get me more but not tonight. Bastards.

(break to read Wikipedia)

When my day begins near sunset and ends in darkness…

Society tells me I’m lazy and crazy for getting up in the afternoon and staying up late. But I’m just time-shifting. I live a time-shifted life by about 8 hours and it works for me. Stop pulling time out from under me, ya hear? Damn varmints.

I don’t feel like writing anymore.

Is it Christmas yet?
When is Halloween?
I don’t understand.
Damn, varmints.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

Cold Sweat

10-16-10              11:10pm

Cold sweat. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around people. I am exhausted but I don’t want to sleep. When my body won’t move, my mind won’t stop. When my mind won’t think, my body can’t rest. It’s cold and I’m sweating. The music in my head I don’t always understand and it’s all a blur. What is today?

Today, after sleeping for an hour, I worked a resource fair at a walk. I walked the 5K, talked to a girl who used to be my best friend and was reminded how much I miss her. When I am hungry I don’t know what to eat. When I am starving and wait a moment I forget. And when I get food, I don’t want to eat it. Or I can’t slow my eating enough to breathe.

The house is quiet tonight. I’ve been looking through pictures. Not the ones I wanted to be looking through. There are so many rolls that don’t matter. I really don’t give a shit about the 12,000 dance conventions I went to and every dance and every scene of every nutcracker. They don’t matter. They’re not my life. It is the people I remember. And it does feel good to remember. I forget so much these days that remembering exactly what happened on a particular day 15 years ago feels good. I left my purse at Chili’s the other night. I usually remember my purse and forget the food, but not this time. And I had no idea I’d left it until I tried to spend money. And it didn’t faze me. I didn’t really care.

Cold sweat. Trapped in my own body, my mind. Looking for pictures of me and my dad. I want to see him. I want to line up the progression, to watch it. My knowledge and experiences change the perspective so much. He can’t stay hidden. I don’t want him to be a secret anymore. He doesn’t even have a headstone. For that I feel ashamed. A bad daughter… In reality, just a daughter with no money. (deep breath)

I can’t keep running from myself. I am tired. So tired. 24/7 distraction is not sustainable. My therapist assumed my agitation is mostly from the whole mystery disease thing, but it’s not. When I wake up in the morning I’m not calm. I get these waves of stress/anxiety/agitation that aren’t connected to anything. I wasn’t particularly upset or triggered yesterday and I got so agitated that I was literally walking in circles in my backyard for 15 minutes. I don’t understand. (breath) I’m not sure I want to. I just want it to go away.

My therapist also asked what would happen if my symptoms never got any better or worse, stayed the same as they are now, and I lived to be 100. I think that would be the worst of all. For now, cold sweat.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010