3/7/2018
© Michelle Routhieaux 2018
Make friends with Fear
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Category Archives: How To
How to Disengage
1/25/18 12:04pm
I really need some help disengaging from someone. This is not mean or bitchy or inappropriate. Currently it’s one of a last few options I have.
I have an ex-boyfriend who is currently making my life Hell. We have been broken up for over a year. He is obsessed. When we first broke up he stalked me, which he denies. I was afraid to do or go anywhere. I couldn’t post online or on social media or my blog (you’ll notice the sharp drop-off in content). His interest/obsession goes up and down. He recently went to rehab and I didn’t hear from him. It was so peaceful. But he came back with such a renewed obsession over me. He texts at all hours. He corners me at my group. Thankfully he hasn’t shown up at my house. He asks all sorts of questions. A few days ago, in response to me saying I do NOT want to be friends, he emailed me a suicide note, involving me in a PERT operation and tracking down doctors I don’t care to be involved with. He talked the PERT team down and went directly back to texting me. He’s trying to get me to let him go to a concert with some friends in a few weeks. No! I’ve tried to be nice but I finally just texted “LEAVE ME ALONE!” In true fashion, he replied with more than one text. It spills over into FB Messenger and email.
Since he came back from rehab and started pursuing me again, my anxiety and fear have been through the roof. I can’t pick up my phone without wondering if he’s waiting there for me. He’s not a bad guy. He’s just refusing to respect my boundaries and this MUST stop.
- I DO NOT want to be friends.
- I DO NOT want any contact. If there is an emergency, go through someone else.
- I am NOT your “hope.” I will NEVER be your “hope.”
- What you’re doing is HURTING me.
- THIS IS NOT OKAY.
The last wave of obsession last year did not result in a restraining order because I was trying to be nice. I’m done being nice, but I only have so much energy. I ignore most of his texts and he actually said a few days ago, “U don’t have to assume that if you reply to any message I send you, I’m going to purse (sic) your heart anymore then I would normally.” SERIOUSLY?!! He keeps saying he’s giving my mom and I a bunch of money in a few months. I appreciate that, and I won’t claim we don’t need it, but you can’t buy us. (pause) I feel defeated and I can’t get away.
Any help or advice would be GREATLY appreciated. And yes, he is most likely reading this post.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2018
Finger Spots
1/10/2018 10:44pm
I wanted to share my latest coping skill – memory on my fingers. Ever since my drawing Spots of Self-Compassion I’ve been using my pink Sharpie to remind me to have self-compassion. I put dots on my fingers or the inside of my wrist or up my arm. When I see the dots I hear “self-compassion” and, even if just for the moment, I soften my stance against myself and breathe. I choose what’s best for me.
A friend got me a collection of a bunch of new nail polishes and I’ve had designs running through my head for weeks – literally. What I really wanted to do was way more complicated. In my mind I saw white with pink dots on my left hand with “BE” on two fingers instead of dots. I wanted my right hand to have a different color on each finger and for the fingers to spell out “CHOOSE” in black letters with an infinity symbol on my middle finger instead of the letter Os. That was way too complicated for me to pull off right now and I’m pretty sure it would cost way too much for me to ask for at the nail place. I decided to go with just white and pink dots.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor in the morning and I was actually on time, except that she forgot I was supposed to be there so I didn’t get to see her. That gave me some extra time to pick up my shoes from the cobbler and sit in the car marveling at the rain. I had time, which is new to me. I sat in the car listening to piano music and started the process. I’d hunted down some cheap white nail polish. This has been on my mind for weeks. I didn’t try to make it pretty. What’s the use if I’m not finished? I needed to be on time for David’s anyway. I finished the white, which honestly looks like white-out, and went into my appointment. He was quite unkind about the messy nails. I think he should be more appreciative of coping skills that live on my hands.
That night I finished them. I tried making dots with nail polish but it was nearly impossible to make circles so I switched to Sharpie. Tip – If you put a top coat over Sharpie the color runs a little. I put glitter over the top of that and the parts that ran are less noticeable. I left the two fingers with nail polish dots as somewhat of an exposure. Each time I look at them I choose to accept that they don’t match and to keep them that way.
Are my nails perfect? No. Neat? No. Will the polish last a long time? Not likely. Do they look great? Not really. Will anyone else understand without an explanation? Not likely. But you know what? I don’t care. These dots on my nails have already proved majorly helpful in redirecting me from intense emotion or self-judgement or shame to self-compassion, to moments of breathing, to small reminders that in every moment I get to choose. I am grateful for the coping skill that lives on my nails right now.
I challenge you to put a coping skill on yourself somewhere you look often. Where could Sharpie spots help you?
© Michelle Routhieaux 2018
Drop in/Drop out
11/27/2017
© Michelle Routhieaux 2017
FUCK YES
1/27/17 12:09pm
I am SOOO ANGRY. And I slept 22.5 hours last night so I have plenty of energy to direct that way. I managed at least to scream “FUCK YOU!” after hanging up the phone.
I called the Coordinated Care Initiative line for the State of California. They are supposed to handle the conversion to and exemption of dual eligibles (those of us eligible for both Medicare and MediCal) from the new managed care requirements in this lovely state. The only easy way out of this requirement is to have HIV/AIDS or be an American Indian. I’m tempted.
What am I talking about?
Medicare is the health insurance offered to most seniors and people on disability (after 2 years). It’s hard to find a specialist that takes it but there are many useful hospitals that take it for medical and psych. There is a 190 day inpatient limit for psych days at a free-standing hospital. (When I’m better I shall be tackling this.)
MediCal is California’s version of Medicaid (federal health program for poor people.) It is near impossible to find a skilled clinician, if they give you a doctor at all instead of an intern, on MediCal. It is a good net if you have non-specific or only emergency medical needs but if you have chronic medical conditions and/or psych needs and have only MediCal, you’re screwed. In some clinics it’s better to be completely uninsured and pay a sliding-scale amount and see a good doctor. Having MediCal (and Medicare for that matter) also usually exempt you from prescription discount programs offered by manufacturers, even though formularies are scant.
If you have both Medicare and MediCal, MediCal won’t pay for any fee that is above what Medicare determines they should be paying your clinician – no matter how far below industry standard or just human dignitiy would allow. Yet our great state of CA decided that being covered fully by both insurances was just too much. In Jan 2014 they started a “demonstration period” of what’s called the “Coordinated Care Initiative” and started forcing people into either CalMediConnect (a program that pushes you into an HMO that rolls your Medicare and MediCal into one, SIGNIFICANTLY limiting your benefits) or whatever Medicare you already have plus being forced into a MediCal Managed Care Plan HMO. I opted out of this “demonstration” in the very complicated and hard to find way they barely provided as I watched the change mess up countless lives.
Then a few weeks ago I got a similar packet in the mail. I did some research online finding that the demonstration period ended Jan 2017 but no info on what the outcome was, whether it saved money, links to the actions taken by our government to expand or make it permanent. Nothing. Someone from CCI called to enroll me in a plan Wednesday since I hadn’t mailed in the form. I explained that I had no intention of joining an HMO because it would complicate and jeopardize my care and she told me where to find an exemption form. But the form says it’s only for people who don’t have another insurance. So I called back today.
I won’t lie. I’d be happy if this man’s head exploded and a MediCal doctor was left to piece it back together. He tried to convince me I wasn’t being forced into an HMO. FALSE. Then he told me I’d qualify for a non-medical exemption but failed to mention the American Indian or HIV/AIDS part right away. I asked about the demonstration period and where I could find information. “We’re just the enrollment center. That’s the state… That’s not my department. That’s not my issue,” he said. He kept coming back to trying to tell me my doctors wouldn’t be affected by joining a Managed Care Plan. Then he went and said it. “Well, if the only reason your doctor won’t see you is because of the extra time it takes to do MediCal paperwork, is that really a doctor you want to be seeing?”
YES!!!
How much more of a fucking idiot could he be?!! Just how they want them at the CCI office I bet. I told him, “YES!” Those are the doctors who have time to hear what’s going on, who listen to my situation, who have experience and choose to actually get paid for it instead of working for free or just supervising 10 interns at a time as they run around the office “practicing” medicine. FUCK YES.
Aside from just being rich, Medi-Medi with fee-for-service MediCal was the best insurance one could get. MediCal pays my monthly Medicare premium, automatically qualifies me for Part D Extra Help (making my generic drugs about $1 and my brand name drugs about $3), and picks up the copay at any doctor I see or prevents them from charging me one. I’m not looking forward to this new world and what will be denied or changed. At least I can blame screaming “FUCK YOU” at them on being crazy.
TIP:
I run into doctors who take Medicare but not MediCal and if you tell them you have both they say they can’t see you as a patient because they don’t take MediCal and it’s considered fraud to charge me my Medicare 20% or anything else.
WRONG
Usually I just call back and don’t tell them I have MediCal. Then they take me but I guess it’s still fraud.
I learned this from HICAP when I called a few days ago: It’s not fraud if they give me a statement in writing that they don’t accept or bill MediCal and I agree to this in advance of treatment. Sweet! I’m on the search for a preformatted statement like this and will post it when I find it. Then I can blanket the city and my group with this new information. I even had a girl turned down by a Sharp Urgent Care the other day because they told her the same thing. I do have ins at Sharp…
Don’t fuck with a fucker. I’ll take you out. ;)
© Michelle Routhieaux 2017
How to Save Verizon Voicemails using Google Voice
4-11-14 1:38pm 
Puzzled by how to save your Verizon voicemails? Feel trapped on their network because you don’t want to lose the precious, special, or important sounds in their system? I was and did. I even tried saving them through the Verizon system but it left me with a file only that phone could read. Some people think it’s stupid that I save voicemails but it’s really important to me to be able to hear the sound of my loved ones’ voices. It soothes me, especially when I can’t be around them or if/when they die. Google Voice solves the problem.
What you’ll need:
- Active Verizon voicemail account
- Google Voice account
- Phone #1 – phone that does not have a Google Voice account linked to it OR phone whose Google Voice number is not the same as the number whose voicemails you’re recording.
- Phone #2 – a second phone that your Google Voice number rings to (cannot have the same number as the phone number whose voicemails you’re retrieving.)
- time
- patience
Directions:
- Go to Google Voice www.google.com/voice
- Log in if prompted.
- Click on the gear icon in the upper right.
- Choose “Settings.”
- Uncheck all phones but Phone #2. Note – Settings is also where you can choose a different number for your Google Voice number to ring to.
**Remember to put the settings back when you’re finished recording!
- Click on the “Calls” tab and check the “Enable Recording” box.
- From Phone #1, call the Google Voice number that rings to Phone #2.
- If prompted when answering, press 1 to accept the call on Phone #2.
- Don’t hang up.
- Call your Verizon number from the keypad on Phone #2.
- Press # during your voicemail greeting and enter your Verizon voicemail password when prompted.
- Merge the two calls (making it a 3-way).
- Mute the mic on both phones to ensure only your voicemail is recorded.
- Press 4 on the Google # line to start call recording.
**Make sure you hear the recording announcement.** - Listen to the first message.
- During the message, press the keypad to minimize the numbers & then “manage conference.”
- Listen to the message.
- When the message is over, quickly press to control the Verizon #’s keypad, enter command (save/skip/etc.).
- Merge calls again before next message starts.
- Repeat steps 16-19 until all desired messages have been recorded.
Note – It may take a few tries to get the timing down. I recommend trying this with one test message before recording all of them. - When you are finished recording, press to control the Google #’s keypad from the calling phone.
- Press 4 to stop recording.
- Make sure you hear the end-recording announcement.
- Hang up both lines.
- Check your Google Voice account to make sure the recording showed up. It will appear as a very long new voicemail.
Congratulations! You can now download an mp3 of your voicemails or listen from your inbox. You are free to move about the globe contract free!
I really hope this helps. It took me SUCH a long time to figure out and I’m still not sure how exactly I did it. I just know I finally did. Let me know if it works for you. I know it gives me peace of mind that my memories are safe as I switch to T-Mobile.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2014
Walmart Check Printing
5-25-14 5:49pm
There is an awesome service I’ve been using for awhile that most people don’t even know about. I’ll share it with you as I sit here watching “The Croods.” Walmart Check Printing. Yep. I said check printing. From Walmart. No joke. I discovered it a few years ago when I was looking for Disney princess checks. Most sites I checked had them for $30+ per box for singles. That is way out of my price range. Thankfully, I stumbled upon www.walmartchecks.com I’ve purchased my checks from them ever since – both personal and business.
The process:
- Go to http://www.walmartchecks.com/
- Browse the categories on the left.
- Choose a design.
- Add personalization if you want to (extra phrase or logo, etc.)
- Place order.
Most checks are under $10 per box, including duplicates and Disney checks and other popular designs. They are of great quality and offer an extra security feature if you want it. I always choose the first class shipping because it’s cheapest and my order arrives in about a week. It doesn’t look like checks though because it’s not packaged in the traditional sized check boxes. It looks like this.
Good luck in your search for the perfect checks. :)
© Michelle Routhieaux 2014
Recipe for a Day List
8/18/13 5pm
This is my day list. I use it every day. Today I updated and prettified it. If you’re trying to make one and want customized bullets, use Word instead of Publisher.
My day list has been so helpful for me. I have memory problems and things an average person would have no problem remembering slip my mind and run away. Like somehow it’s a trap and they finally escape. So awhile back I decided to make myself a list of things I need to do every day to remind me. I put it in a page protector (clear plastic cover) and mark off each thing with a dry erase marker as I do it. I made a space on my wall to hang it last night because I keep losing it. My day list gets me through the day.
The day list has helped me keep up with self-care when I’m really depressed and make sure I come back to basics when I’m manic or agitated. I find that when I’m doing better I don’t need it as much and when I’m doing exceedingly bad I don’t even remember I have one. Thankfully, my psychiatrist reminds me.
I feel accomplished when I do everything, which is pretty rare. I am grateful it reminds me what to take with me. I made it. I love it. I’m proud of myself.
Recipe for making your own day list:
Ingredients – 1 sheet protector, 1 sheet of paper, pencil or pen, 1+ dry erase markers
- Think about what you NEED to do every day (not what you think you SHOULD do or what someone else thinks you SHOULD do).
- Write those things down in an order you are most likely to do them.
- Place the paper in the sheet protector.
- Put the list in a place you’ll see it every morning, next to a dry erase marker.
- Use. (Do a task, mark it off, erase marks at the end of the day.)
- Revise as needed.
- Celebrate your accomplishments!
Just a note – some people think my list is stupid. My mom doesn’t get it. She hassled me about it at first. Why do I need a list? Can’t I just remember that? Honestly, no. I’m glad I kept using it. If it works for you, do it. Let me know how it goes. :)
© Michelle Routhieaux 2013
How to Move Verizon Backup Assistant Contacts to Gmail
7-6-13
I have been wondering how to do this for some time now – brooding over it actually – and today I figured it out. Way easier than I had anticipated, given my previous attempts last year online. I wanted to share the process.
You are approximately 10 minutes from contact freedom!
Click on the images to open them full size in a new tab.
- Log in to your wireless account at www.verizonwireless.com.
- Scroll down until you see something like this. If you are the primary account holder, click “Manage my Device.” If not, skip to step 3.
- Click Manage My Contacts
- If prompted, sync your Backup Assistant contacts to the cloud. You will have the option to add in contacts from other email accounts. When it gives you the option, click that you are done setting up.
- Next you will see your Verizon Contacts page. Click “Select All” or manually select the contacts you want exported.
- Then click the Gear icon for the dropdown settings menu and select “Export Contact.”
- This popup will appear. Select “Export my contacts to an email service…” Then click “Export.”
- Another popup will appear asking you to name the file you are saving & pick a destination. Then click “Save.”
- Next, log in to your Gmail email account.
- Choose Contacts from the Gmail dropdown menu on the upper left.
- In the center of the page, click the “More” dropdown menu and select “Import.”
- When prompted, choose the file you saved earlier and click “Import.”
- All of your contacts in the saved file will be imported to your Gmail account under a new label. You can rename this label by clicking on the label name in the list of labels on the left, then choosing “Rename Label” under the More dropdown menu.
- You may be prompted to merge duplicate files automatically. If not, you may do this from the More dropdown menu. If you do not like how the files were imported or want to undo them for any reason, select “Restore Contacts”
Your Verizon Backup Assistant contacts will now be available in your Gmail account and any synced Android device. A copy will remain with Verizon but your contacts are now yours. Congrats!
© Michelle Routhieaux 2013
Writing Towards Happy 
