12/25/2015     10:49pm10553833_10154419045254307_1138106686227162752_o

It’s Christmas night 2015. I’m crouched on the floor. The tree is lit, as well as a vanilla candle. My mom and the pets are asleep. I feel sad. SO sad.

Today I woke up at 9am and opened presents with my mom. My brother, nephew and two friends came for dinner. Mom made green beans with bacon, spiral ham, mashed potatoes & gravy, fruit salad and a whole spread of appetizers. We even had a Hershey pie. I went to visit my friend in the hospital and got to see some of my favorite staff. That meant a lot.

I feel sad today. Part of me is disappointed that I don’t feel happy. The other part of me is just grateful to feel. I’m not dissociated. I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling…

There’s a Christmas movie on. I can hear my mom snore. I really hate the holidays. My providers are out of the office until the first week of January. What am I supposed to do?

X- texted asking to try again tonight on my terms, in God’s hands. I told him I’m not sure. He said he’s more sure than he’s ever been. He said some other wonderful things I have no great reply to. I don’t know what to say. Why is it so hard for people to understand that I’m terrified of people? I have strict boundaries and specific fears for reasons I don’t care to share. I’m a pretty private person. And why does he stick around for what little I have to offer? I can’t absorb what I need. I can’t have what I want. I don’t understand what I’m being given or what I’m supposed to do. I just know that, except for just after ECT and early in the morning, I feel sad and don’t want to be around people. Or I want to be held by S-. I feel calm mostly. I’m experiencing each moment. And each moment kinda sucks. But I’m okay with that. I’m here. I’m just sad. It feels good to be able to just be sad.

I’m so grateful for ECT & my team. Thank you, God. Thank you.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015

Christmas & Shopkick

12-17-11     8:07pm

I hate Christmas.

I went to a Christmas variety show today at a church and God spoke to me. He told me to buy a Panda Express and gave me a great idea for churches. A section for those of us who can’t sit still called Fit Church where we can walk on a treadmill or ride a stationary bike during the service. I would totally sign up for that.

I have a love-hate relationship with my new fake tree. I had finally decided to keep it and that it was perfect when my mom decided to flip some sections around. Um, HELLO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Now the tree is dead to me. It feels sad, I feel sad and Mom is angry. I hate Christmas.

I’ve been Shopkicking a lot. It’s an app where you earn points (kicks) for going in certain stores and scanning specific items. Then you can get free gift cards with your points.

It’s really helping me, in more ways than you’d think. It gives me a trackable goal and incentives, gets me out of the house and gets me walking. SO much walking involved, which is good because my doc wants me walking and it feels good. Also, I get to go shopping and feel the rush without spending any money. Great catalyst for change. I recommend trying it for anyone who’s bored, wants to get more active and earn free stuff (and has a smart phone).

Oh, I wanted to tell you I tried the Honey Walnut Shrimp at Panda Express the other day, which you know is big if you know my food rules. I resisted the urge to cough, choke or puke. I’m proud of myself.

I’m so tired. I feel myself drifting. My face is tingling. I hear a song I can’t identify and cars on a wet road. I gotta go.

Love, Michelle


PS – I made peace with the tree and put some bows on it. We’ll see how long it lasts.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

Side Effects of Christmas

Written on Black Friday at the mall on a bench outside Cinnabon.

11/25/11     4:25pm

Side Effects of Christmas:

  • Fits of joy
  • Random singing & laughter
  • Urges to bake or give things to strangers
  • Uncontrollable shopping sprees
  • Flashbacks
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Urges to die
  • Intense anger
  • Spontaneous death of self or others
  • Temporary loss of judgement
  • Poor clothing choices
  • Weight gain or loss
  • Spike in your need to watch Lifetime or The Family Channel
  • Excessive picture-taking
  • Loss of time
  • Sitting for long periods of time alone on a mall bench wondering why it is we do this again… followed by a Cinnabon.

Red flag shopping warning signs:

  • Uttering to yourself more than 3 times in a day, “Man, I must be old.”
  • Sympathizing with the forlorn kiosk people
  • Falling for their “Can I ask you a question?” cuz you just can’t walk any further
  • Wishing you were the kid asleep in the stroller.

Please feel free to add your own.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

Messed Up Morals

12-22-10    1:51am

Have you ever examined the morals behind songs and fairytales? I was considering Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer while wandering hopelessly lost through Walmart today. It’s a messed up story. The moral or message or conditional-belief lesson is basically:

Don’t fret if you’re a social outcast. You’ll be loveable if you’re just perfect and save everyone. Otherwise you’re worthless and will be alone forever.

If that doesn’t put you in therapy, try having a label for a name. That’s like naming your kid Judy the One-eyed Retard and having Lady Gaga put out a single about her pathetic life and one glory day. Really? Alright then. Merry Christmas to you too.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Tree Philosophy

12-21-10    6:19pm

I just finished decorating the tree with Mom. Lance was here earlier. S-’s boycotting Christmas.

I feel partly calm and part very tense, like the vibrations of a very high note on a harp string. Inside of me trembles. The cars are so loud outside. It’s been raining. I love the rain. I want to go out in it, to watch, to play, but I’m here on the couch. Time fades away.

I approach tree decorating like an all-you-can-eat salad bar. A little bit of a lot of things comes out to a reasonable sized meal that doesn’t make me sick. My mom’s philosophy is to take as much of each thing as you can eat, leave nothing behind, and go home feeling like you’re going to die. She did leave one box of ornaments in the garage (thank God), but our tree has 3 other boxes of keepsake ornaments, 4 strings of lights, and about 150 glass bulbs. We’re skipping the garland this year. The star is held on by rubber bands. Our tree tried to commit suicide twice last year. Simple is good. It’s beautiful though – filled with memories.

There’s nothing to distract me. No activities today. Nothing on the calendar. Mom wants me to clean and organize and move boxes. i want to bake and to get out of the house. I’m supposed to be moderately busy, remember? No structure is the death of me.

I’ve been thinking about sidecars…

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010


I wrote this while listening to Sacha sing tonight at the Westgate. Quite an experience.

7-9-10                  8:29am

Tonight here it is like Christmas. I close my eyes and expect to walk outside into whipping wind and snowflakes. I would feel the cold on my cheeks and smile and flinch. Feel cozy by a fire, like warm maple syrup, and cuddle up. Watch children run around and write to Santa.

Tonight there are people talking all around me. It’s annoying but I float above them. Twirl around in the sky.

Shhhhhh…  Listen!  Magic.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010