I feel sad. Tonight is my 10 year reunion – prime time for comparisons. In typical me fashion, I wish there was an RSVP list so I could plan out my night. There is no agenda. I don’t know what to expect. I posted on FB last night in the reunion group asking what “casual cocktail attire” means – the official dress code. Several people I know replied they’re wearing quite fancy cocktail dresses and that their husbands are dressing up. I was just planning on wearing a dress I like, nothing fancy.
I have my doubts about even going. I anticipate it being a huge trigger. I wanted to be successful, to have degrees and a car and family. I am successful. Just not by my standard. I’m like that firework that shoots off in unexpected directions. Dazzling yet unpredictable. I only like it in the sky.
Who am I?
I am a girl looking to be loved.
I am a woman discovering herself.
I am creative.
I am talented.
I am hungry.
I am a cat mom.
I am a planner.
I am the voice of reason on a stormy sea and a mess of emotion in silence.
I am unstable and I am a rock.
I just am.
I will be faced with many questions if I engage tonight. Where do I work? How many kids do I have? What degrees did I get? What am I doing with my life? I don’t know. And I don’t really care. I wish this was a barbeque picnic. Too much hype. Too much pressure.
I’m very tired. I woke up at 7:30, even though I went to bed late. In sharp contrast to the past several mornings, I do not feel bright, chipper or productive. I don’t want to be alive. My body is heavy. I don’t want to move. Yet, I’m awake. Is this from skipping 2 doses of my Flexeril yesterday or not sleeping? Why did I wake up?
I don’t know who I am. I feel angry. I want to sleep.
Whatever I decide to do tonight will be okay. I don’t have to share my secrets. I don’t have to be strong. God is my date. All powerful. He will lead me.
PS: Compare me to me if you must. That’s the only change that matters.
This morning I found myself staring at a list of questions for my biography in some book at my upcoming 10 year reunion. They all made me think. No spouse, no children. I’ve not become the me I wanted to be. I was particularly puzzled by the last prompt/question: Summary of accomplishments, dreams, travels since High School. It’s all been a blur. I had the invitation to regret, to be angry, to hate myself for what I’ve done. For the bio I came up with this. It surprised me but it’s true.
It didn’t seem complete. It’s not what I’m most proud of. So I continued it in my journal.
Summary of accomplishments, dreams, travels since High School:
I survived. I’m alive. I’m thriving.
Fought through mental illness
Didn’t give up
Set her free
Learned to love her
Continued to follow my dreams & ideas
Learned to stand up for myself and my beliefs and eventually others’
Learned assertiveness & put it into practice
I’ve begun to tolerate being alone
Developed systems of change for myself and others
I refused to give up
I didn’t hurt myself
Separated myself from Mom
Learned to see her as a person
Got my license
Weathered DBSA through thick & thin
Joined a church I’m active in
Stood up for my beliefs, even when it got me fired
Learned to trust
Stopped running away
Owned/Developed pride in me
Learned how to tolerate anxiety
Continued to grow my resourcefulness
Had a relationship
Made real friends
Learned how to manage money
Didn’t let go of the dream
Took care of my body & teeth
I am pretty fucking awesome. Today Dr. N told me he’s proud of me, that I’ve accomplished something 2 years ago he didn’t think was possible – in terms of my wellness. He said he knew I had potential but didn’t expect this. It feels good that he’s proud of me and that he sees and appreciates the positive change I work so hard on every day.
Today I went to the casino and practiced the word Patient. I tried Compassion but it was too hard. I want to learn to be Patient. Now I’m off to dye a llama purple with blackberries, if I don’t eat them all first. ;) I love fruit. I have two biopsies coming up. Wish me luck.