I made it rain bacon

8/17/13     1:21am

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’m really glad I went to my reunion tonight. There’s always a reason. 4 cookies, 2 brownies, 1 bottle of water and a cocktail glass of bacon were worth the $75. I got to reconnect with a few friends I’d forgotten about. I met some new ones. I danced the ChaCha slide.

I kept getting distracted from my need to pee and when I finally got to the bathroom there was an emergency in progress. I immediately jumped in. I didn’t know the girl. She was drunk and had thrown up in the sink and somehow ended up on the floor, unable to get up, crying, slurring her words and continuing to throw up. When her husband left the room she begged me and the staff not to send her home with him, that she had to get away. She said yes when I asked if she wanted us to take her to a shelter. When he came back he tried to convince her to just go home. They had been hitting each other earlier. His presence elicited a visceral response from her. She immediately resumed throwing up and crying, repeating over and over again, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m a bad mom,” and gave in to his ruthless and repeated requests to just take a cab home.

Thankfully, I communicated with the hotel staff and they called the paramedics. He was pissed. She really did need medical help. And I believe that she needs to get away from him. I just don’t know how.
(breathe…)

When that was over, I said goodbyes and left. Emotionally exhausted. Spent. That’s why I was there tonight. I hope she’s okay. I’d like to follow up but it might not be safe for her.

I’m tired. Tonight I made it rain bacon. Literally. It was awesome. I got it in my hair, a piece stuck on my cheek. I admired the moon. I prayed. I didn’t drink. I dressed up for me. I didn’t lie. I took the trolley home. I’m proud of myself.

A lot of people remembered me – a nice memory. Long live the queen.

Quote of the night:
“I can’t even think as fast as you can move your feet.” -Shawnna

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013

The only change that matters

8/16/13     8:04am

I feel sad. Tonight is my 10 year reunion – prime time for comparisons. In typical me fashion, I wish there was an RSVP list so I could plan out my night. There is no agenda. I don’t know what to expect. I posted on FB last night in the reunion group asking what “casual cocktail attire” means – the official dress code. Several people I know replied they’re wearing quite fancy cocktail dresses and that their husbands are dressing up. I was just planning on wearing a dress I like, nothing fancy.

I have my doubts about even going. I anticipate it being a huge trigger. I wanted to be successful, to have degrees and a car and family. I am successful. Just not by my standard. I’m like that firework that shoots off in unexpected directions. Dazzling yet unpredictable. I only like it in the sky.

Who am I?

  • I am a girl looking to be loved.
  • I am a woman discovering herself.
  • I am creative.
  • I am talented.
  • I am hungry.
  • I am a cat mom.
  • I am a planner.
  • I am the voice of reason on a stormy sea and a mess of emotion in silence.
  • I am unstable and I am a rock.
  • I just am.
  • Michelle

I will be faced with many questions if I engage tonight. Where do I work? How many kids do I have? What degrees did I get? What am I doing with my life? I don’t know. And I don’t really care. I wish this was a barbeque picnic. Too much hype. Too much pressure.

I’m very tired. I woke up at 7:30, even though I went to bed late. In sharp contrast to the past several mornings, I do not feel bright, chipper or productive. I don’t want to be alive. My body is heavy. I don’t want to move. Yet, I’m awake. Is this from skipping 2 doses of my Flexeril yesterday or not sleeping? Why did I wake up?

I don’t know who I am.
I feel angry.
I want to sleep.

Whatever I decide to do tonight will be okay. I don’t have to share my secrets. I don’t have to be strong. God is my date. All powerful. He will lead me.

PS: Compare me to me if you must. That’s the only change that matters.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013

I love fruit

7/16/13    9:18pm

This morning I found myself staring at a list of questions for my biography in some book at my upcoming 10 year reunion. They all made me think. No spouse, no children. I’ve not become the me I wanted to be. I was particularly puzzled by the last prompt/question: Summary of accomplishments, dreams, travels since High School. It’s all been a blur. I had the invitation to regret, to be angry, to hate myself for what I’ve done. For the bio I came up with this. It surprised me but it’s true.

reunion biography

It didn’t seem complete. It’s not what I’m most proud of. So I continued it in my journal.

Summary of accomplishments, dreams, travels since High School:

  • I survived. I’m alive. I’m thriving.
  • Fought through mental illness
  • Didn’t give up
  • Found myself
  • Set her free
  • Learned to love her
  • Worked
  • Continued to follow my dreams & ideas
  • Learned to stand up for myself and my beliefs and eventually others’
  • Learned assertiveness & put it into practice
  • I’ve begun to tolerate being alone
  • Developed systems of change for myself and others
  • I refused to give up
  • I didn’t hurt myself
  • Separated myself from Mom
  • Learned to see her as a person
  • Got my license
  • Weathered DBSA through thick & thin
  • Joined a church I’m active in
  • Stood up for my beliefs, even when it got me fired
  • Learned to trust
  • Stopped running away
  • Owned/Developed pride in me
  • Learned how to tolerate anxiety
  • Continued to grow my resourcefulness
  • Had a relationship
  • Made real friends
  • Learned how to manage money
  • Didn’t forget
  • Didn’t let go of the dream
  • Took care of my body & teeth

I am pretty fucking awesome. Today Dr. N told me he’s proud of me, that I’ve accomplished something 2 years ago he didn’t think was possible – in terms of my wellness. He said he knew I had potential but didn’t expect this. It feels good that he’s proud of me and that he sees and appreciates the positive change I work so hard on every day.

Today I went to the casino and practiced the word Patient. I tried Compassion but it was too hard. I want to learn to be Patient. Now I’m off to dye a llama purple with blackberries, if I don’t eat them all first. ;) I love fruit. I have two biopsies coming up. Wish me luck.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013