7/16/13    9:18pm

This morning I found myself staring at a list of questions for my biography in some book at my upcoming 10 year reunion. They all made me think. No spouse, no children. I’ve not become the me I wanted to be. I was particularly puzzled by the last prompt/question: Summary of accomplishments, dreams, travels since High School. It’s all been a blur. I had the invitation to regret, to be angry, to hate myself for what I’ve done. For the bio I came up with this. It surprised me but it’s true.

It didn’t seem complete. It’s not what I’m most proud of. So I continued it in my journal.

Summary of accomplishments, dreams, travels since High School:

• I survived. I’m alive. I’m thriving.
• Fought through mental illness
• Didn’t give up
• Found myself
• Set her free
• Learned to love her
• Worked
• Continued to follow my dreams & ideas
• Learned to stand up for myself and my beliefs and eventually others’
• Learned assertiveness & put it into practice
• I’ve begun to tolerate being alone
• Developed systems of change for myself and others
• I refused to give up
• I didn’t hurt myself
• Separated myself from Mom
• Learned to see her as a person
• Got my license
• Weathered DBSA through thick & thin
• Joined a church I’m active in
• Stood up for my beliefs, even when it got me fired
• Learned to trust
• Stopped running away
• Owned/Developed pride in me
• Learned how to tolerate anxiety
• Continued to grow my resourcefulness
• Had a relationship
• Made real friends
• Learned how to manage money
• Didn’t forget
• Didn’t let go of the dream
• Took care of my body & teeth

I am pretty fucking awesome. Today Dr. N told me he’s proud of me, that I’ve accomplished something 2 years ago he didn’t think was possible – in terms of my wellness. He said he knew I had potential but didn’t expect this. It feels good that he’s proud of me and that he sees and appreciates the positive change I work so hard on every day.

Today I went to the casino and practiced the word Patient. I tried Compassion but it was too hard. I want to learn to be Patient. Now I’m off to dye a llama purple with blackberries, if I don’t eat them all first. ;) I love fruit. I have two biopsies coming up. Wish me luck.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013