Porta-potty on a Race Course

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10/11/15     3:35pm

Yoga Therapy Art_0054

I asked B- how to stop running. There were a lot of words I don’t recall that boiled down in my head to “Porta-potty on a race course.” Find small moments, opportunities to be, and take them.

I want to stop running. At least I think I do. But I don’t know if I can tolerate it. I have a lot of shit in my life and my past always threatening to eat me. To survive, I run. Don’t stop moving. As long as I am distracted or busy the thoughts or memories can’t get to me. As soon as I stop I get flooded. It can be dangerous. I don’t know how to slow down, to moderate. When there’s too much stress I get sick or my body shuts down. Involuntary protection. But running isn’t living. I never even see my mom.

Porta-potty on a race course. Take small moments for self-care and being. Pause. Drop in to existence for the time it takes to pee, then run again. Use the space as a gift of rest, a moment with the freedom to feel. No one is watching. No one is judging. Allow release. No one’s stopping me from choosing to run. Not for that moment.

I want to stop running. I want to be able to tolerate the distress of being, of the voices, the memories, the loneliness. I don’t want to be a secret. In the porta-potty I can hide and just be me. A-‘s wiling to start work on my trauma soon. Who will I be without fear? Can I tolerate the emotional debridement? Will I find me? Will I like her?

I don’t want to run anymore. I’m tired. God, I’m tired. Last night I wept and cried out to God. Today I sobbed all the way down here on the freeway. I’m not me. I don’t know how to be. (Reminder – joy only lies in movement)

My head hurts.

How do I learn to process and be me in chunks? Who will me be without trauma and pain? Will I be more able to help others and feel joy? Will I want to be?

I’m tired of running. I’m tired of wanting to die, of hiding. Of shame and lies. I want to be real. I want to be openly real.

Start by practicing in a porta-potty when you stop to pee.

I don’t know what’s happening to me and I feel scared. I really want to make change in my life, to come to terms with what is and was, to be able to sit safely with the truth. I welcome times of brokenness. I want to accept that though I am broken, I am whole. I’m not there yet. I want to change. I’m not there yet either. Right now, today, I’m sitting in a porta-potty on the side of a race course, grateful. I have to get up again (I’m late) but for now there is peace. Thank you.

God, I love you. Thank you for this moment.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015

How do you do it?

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From:     8/24/15     1:32pm

M- said several times he and other people want to know “how she does it.” Well, how do YOU run from a dragon? In a methodical, complicated & somewhat randomized fashion. He smokes. I work. There’s no difference – except that I can breathe. I’m constantly running. It’s not to be admired. Yet it is.

I really don’t feel well.

How do you do it?

  • Don’t stop
  • Never stop running
  • Trust no one
  • Don’t share feelings
  • Better yet, don’t have them
  • Always watch, listen
  • Note any sign of danger
  • Network extensively
  • Tell only the required truths
  • Make allies, not friends
  • Schedule EVERYTHING
  • Learn the rules & the rules in play
  • Learn how to exploit the loopholes
  • Study systems
  • Hide out to spend time alone
  • Have an acute understanding you are NEVER safe.
  • Love from afar
  • Do not engage
  • Learn to walk away
  • Turn rage into ash inside your soul
  • Develop a network of safe support
  • Be whatever you need to be in the moment
  • Be specific
  • Focus on tasks
  • Never lose sight of the big picture
  • Ignore pain
  • Never admit weakness
  • Learn by doing
  • Do what works
  • Know God. Believe God.
  • Don’t make promises or keep secrets
  • Have at least one safe grounding person you trust who wants nothing from you
  • Try not to remember what you love, that this is not you
  • Avoid emotion-producing situations
  • Walk towards the fire
  • Cry out to God, “Why can’t I matter too?”
  • Distract from the fact you don’t feel love
  • Ignore painful personal facts
  • Avoid free time
  • Do projects
  • Don’t take no for an answer
  • Spend time alone
  • Scream
  • Pull your hair
  • Ask questions no one answers
  • Say important things no one understands
  • Spend time in psych hospitals
  • Take lots of drugs
  • Stop eating occasionally
  • Maintain control
  • Run from feeling trapped
  • Cry in private – public restrooms, parking lots, in the dark, behind dumpsters, silently
  • Get your love from hugs
  • Never think about this
  • Throw yourself into helping others
  • Hate almost everyone
  • Take your meds on time
  • Chart your progress – detailed & scientifically
  • NEVER STOP RUNNING
  • Choose measurable tasks over humans
  • Thrive on lists
  • When given the option, choose kids or animals or the disabled over adults
  • Learn to ignore
  • Swing
  • Twirl
  • Write
  • Run away every once in a while
  • Come back. Don’t talk about it.
  • Never let your guard down, even at home
  • When you fail, back away, shut people out, try again.
  • Sing
  • Rock
  • Pray
  • Never stop running
  • Then eventually die
  • But not without doing it all the right way

(stare)

That’s all for now.

PS –

  • Don’t forget to hate people, vehemently
  • Remember to eat
  • And always keep a hair clip, journal & cardigan on hand.

So if you want to know how I do it, my best answer is God.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015

Delegate

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8/4/2015     12:07am

I went to group tonight and shared honestly. I feel like I’m at the beginning of losing my mind. I’m in a dysphoric hypomania with the return of physical symptoms I haven’t seen in a long while. I feel strangled by my schedule but it’s what keeps me going. I’ve tried telling people what’s going on but I find no validation. Tonight the group’s wisdom was delegation. Again and again I heard the word “delegate,” as if reassigning some of my tasks would magically make me feel better. The only things that make me feel better right now are chocolate chip ice cream and sleep. They also recommended rest, which I already do, and doing fun things. Did they not listen? I’M FUCKING TIRED. I’m okay and then I’m not. I get dizzy, weak, nauseous. My heart beats too fast and reality fades in and out. Sometimes it’s hard to stay upright or not fall over. But sure. Delegate.

People wonder why I lie, why I don’t tell them the truth. They pointed out tonight that I lied about how I was doing before my last crash, said I hated my life. What they don’t realize is that I lie most of the time and have never really liked my life. One person listened to my request for validation but filled it with a compliment about my work at group. Could not one person have said, “That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through it?” Or maybe, “I hear that you’re struggling. Thanks for sharing?” A few people offered to do tasks for me. I just need ice cream and sleep, for now.

I tried going to Ralphs for socialization after group. I could feel my body crashing. I made it through the line at Chipotle and ate my food. I leaned on the table as I listened to the people talk. At one point I just started singing. The noise was too much, too much stress. Cuddling with the group who had spontaneously gathered at the end of the table was too much. I walked back to the pharmacy to check my blood pressure, which was elevated. My vision was coming in and out, dizzy, shaky, unsteady gait. I tried peeing and sitting down again but my body is in less distress when moving so I took to walking around the produce section before sitting in the car for awhile and leaving. I had some ice cream, felt better for about twenty minutes and now I’m exhausted again. I hate my life.

For the record, please don’t tell me to delegate. Especially if you’re someone I’ve delegated tasks to before that you have failed to complete. It makes me angry. Thank you.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015