From:     8/24/15     1:32pm

M- said several times he and other people want to know “how she does it.” Well, how do YOU run from a dragon? In a methodical, complicated & somewhat randomized fashion. He smokes. I work. There’s no difference – except that I can breathe. I’m constantly running. It’s not to be admired. Yet it is.

I really don’t feel well.

How do you do it?

• Don’t stop
• Never stop running
• Trust no one
• Don’t share feelings
• Better yet, don’t have them
• Always watch, listen
• Note any sign of danger
• Network extensively
• Tell only the required truths
• Make allies, not friends
• Schedule EVERYTHING
• Learn the rules & the rules in play
• Learn how to exploit the loopholes
• Study systems
• Hide out to spend time alone
• Have an acute understanding you are NEVER safe.
• Love from afar
• Do not engage
• Learn to walk away
• Turn rage into ash inside your soul
• Develop a network of safe support
• Be whatever you need to be in the moment
• Be specific
• Focus on tasks
• Never lose sight of the big picture
• Ignore pain
• Never admit weakness
• Learn by doing
• Do what works
• Know God. Believe God.
• Don’t make promises or keep secrets
• Have at least one safe grounding person you trust who wants nothing from you
• Try not to remember what you love, that this is not you
• Avoid emotion-producing situations
• Walk towards the fire
• Cry out to God, “Why can’t I matter too?”
• Distract from the fact you don’t feel love
• Ignore painful personal facts
• Avoid free time
• Do projects
• Don’t take no for an answer
• Spend time alone
• Scream
• Pull your hair
• Ask questions no one answers
• Say important things no one understands
• Spend time in psych hospitals
• Take lots of drugs
• Stop eating occasionally
• Maintain control
• Run from feeling trapped
• Cry in private – public restrooms, parking lots, in the dark, behind dumpsters, silently
• Get your love from hugs
• Never think about this
• Throw yourself into helping others
• Hate almost everyone
• Take your meds on time
• Chart your progress – detailed & scientifically
• NEVER STOP RUNNING
• Choose measurable tasks over humans
• Thrive on lists
• When given the option, choose kids or animals or the disabled over adults
• Learn to ignore
• Swing
• Twirl
• Write
• Run away every once in a while
• Come back. Don’t talk about it.
• Never let your guard down, even at home
• When you fail, back away, shut people out, try again.
• Sing
• Rock
• Pray
• Never stop running
• Then eventually die
• But not without doing it all the right way

(stare)

That’s all for now.

PS –

• Don’t forget to hate people, vehemently
• Remember to eat
• And always keep a hair clip, journal & cardigan on hand.

So if you want to know how I do it, my best answer is God.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015