A thought from today.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2017
I asked B- how to stop running. There were a lot of words I don’t recall that boiled down in my head to “Porta-potty on a race course.” Find small moments, opportunities to be, and take them.
I want to stop running. At least I think I do. But I don’t know if I can tolerate it. I have a lot of shit in my life and my past always threatening to eat me. To survive, I run. Don’t stop moving. As long as I am distracted or busy the thoughts or memories can’t get to me. As soon as I stop I get flooded. It can be dangerous. I don’t know how to slow down, to moderate. When there’s too much stress I get sick or my body shuts down. Involuntary protection. But running isn’t living. I never even see my mom.
Porta-potty on a race course. Take small moments for self-care and being. Pause. Drop in to existence for the time it takes to pee, then run again. Use the space as a gift of rest, a moment with the freedom to feel. No one is watching. No one is judging. Allow release. No one’s stopping me from choosing to run. Not for that moment.
I want to stop running. I want to be able to tolerate the distress of being, of the voices, the memories, the loneliness. I don’t want to be a secret. In the porta-potty I can hide and just be me. A-‘s wiling to start work on my trauma soon. Who will I be without fear? Can I tolerate the emotional debridement? Will I find me? Will I like her?
I don’t want to run anymore. I’m tired. God, I’m tired. Last night I wept and cried out to God. Today I sobbed all the way down here on the freeway. I’m not me. I don’t know how to be. (Reminder – joy only lies in movement)
My head hurts.
How do I learn to process and be me in chunks? Who will me be without trauma and pain? Will I be more able to help others and feel joy? Will I want to be?
I’m tired of running. I’m tired of wanting to die, of hiding. Of shame and lies. I want to be real. I want to be openly real.
Start by practicing in a porta-potty when you stop to pee.
I don’t know what’s happening to me and I feel scared. I really want to make change in my life, to come to terms with what is and was, to be able to sit safely with the truth. I welcome times of brokenness. I want to accept that though I am broken, I am whole. I’m not there yet. I want to change. I’m not there yet either. Right now, today, I’m sitting in a porta-potty on the side of a race course, grateful. I have to get up again (I’m late) but for now there is peace. Thank you.
God, I love you. Thank you for this moment.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2015
(continued from “I am from…”)
Now I am what?
Now I am stronger.
Now I am less afraid.
Now I am starting to own myself, to upgrade from the standard model.
Now I am more honest, less moody, more willing to be vulnerable.
I am learning to trust.
I am learning to be me.
Now I am sharing my writing.
I am putting it out there, even through fear.
Now I understand there doesn’t have to be a what.
And that’s scary. But I’m here. I’m not leaving.
I come back to that.
Now I am.
The cadence makes me nervous.
The content makes me cringe.
(breathe…) Just be.
Face burns, stomach turns. I feel tingly.
I need to paint the sky.
About to pass out.
I feel scared of being.
I feel scared of me.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2012