As I stared out from the log/cave (bottom center of the page), S- asked what I saw. Squirrels. There were two squirrels eating nuts at the base of a tree. There was a black bear and a mountain lion, each peaceful. The air was hazy, debris floating free. I could see the bottom of the legs of two firefighters as they ran past me in slow motion. I couldn’t hear. It was that soundless-emerging that happens after an explosion or emergency, sometimes with loud high-pitched ringing. This though was a thick lack of sound that stopped communications, put itself between me and everything else. The sound becomes the glass that separates me…
And as I drew I remembered the reddish glow of the sky. I wasn’t sure what words would accompany. Since I drew the other half of the fire-people I thought they could use a hose. And out of the hose came PRESENCE, and it put out the PAIN.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2018
From: 8/24/15 1:32pm
M- said several times he and other people want to know “how she does it.” Well, how do YOU run from a dragon? In a methodical, complicated & somewhat randomized fashion. He smokes. I work. There’s no difference – except that I can breathe. I’m constantly running. It’s not to be admired. Yet it is.
I really don’t feel well.
How do you do it?
- Don’t stop
- Never stop running
- Trust no one
- Don’t share feelings
- Better yet, don’t have them
- Always watch, listen
- Note any sign of danger
- Network extensively
- Tell only the required truths
- Make allies, not friends
- Schedule EVERYTHING
- Learn the rules & the rules in play
- Learn how to exploit the loopholes
- Study systems
- Hide out to spend time alone
- Have an acute understanding you are NEVER safe.
- Love from afar
- Do not engage
- Learn to walk away
- Turn rage into ash inside your soul
- Develop a network of safe support
- Be whatever you need to be in the moment
- Be specific
- Focus on tasks
- Never lose sight of the big picture
- Ignore pain
- Never admit weakness
- Learn by doing
- Do what works
- Know God. Believe God.
- Don’t make promises or keep secrets
- Have at least one safe grounding person you trust who wants nothing from you
- Try not to remember what you love, that this is not you
- Avoid emotion-producing situations
- Walk towards the fire
- Cry out to God, “Why can’t I matter too?”
- Distract from the fact you don’t feel love
- Ignore painful personal facts
- Avoid free time
- Do projects
- Don’t take no for an answer
- Spend time alone
- Pull your hair
- Ask questions no one answers
- Say important things no one understands
- Spend time in psych hospitals
- Take lots of drugs
- Stop eating occasionally
- Maintain control
- Run from feeling trapped
- Cry in private – public restrooms, parking lots, in the dark, behind dumpsters, silently
- Get your love from hugs
- Never think about this
- Throw yourself into helping others
- Hate almost everyone
- Take your meds on time
- Chart your progress – detailed & scientifically
- NEVER STOP RUNNING
- Choose measurable tasks over humans
- Thrive on lists
- When given the option, choose kids or animals or the disabled over adults
- Learn to ignore
- Run away every once in a while
- Come back. Don’t talk about it.
- Never let your guard down, even at home
- When you fail, back away, shut people out, try again.
- Never stop running
- Then eventually die
- But not without doing it all the right way
That’s all for now.
- Don’t forget to hate people, vehemently
- Remember to eat
- And always keep a hair clip, journal & cardigan on hand.
So if you want to know how I do it, my best answer is God.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2015