Tag Archives: PTSD

Soundless Emerging

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6/27/2018

As I stared out from the log/cave (bottom center of the page), S- asked what I saw. Squirrels. There were two squirrels eating nuts at the base of a tree. There was a black bear and a mountain lion, each peaceful. The air was hazy, debris floating free. I could see the bottom of the legs of two firefighters as they ran past me in slow motion. I couldn’t hear. It was that soundless-emerging that happens after an explosion or emergency, sometimes with loud high-pitched ringing. This though was a thick lack of sound that stopped communications, put itself between me and everything else. The sound becomes the glass that separates me…
And as I drew I remembered the reddish glow of the sky. I wasn’t sure what words would accompany. Since I drew the other half of the fire-people I thought they could use a hose. And out of the hose came PRESENCE, and it put out the PAIN.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2018

How do you do it?

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From:     8/24/15     1:32pm

M- said several times he and other people want to know “how she does it.” Well, how do YOU run from a dragon? In a methodical, complicated & somewhat randomized fashion. He smokes. I work. There’s no difference – except that I can breathe. I’m constantly running. It’s not to be admired. Yet it is.

I really don’t feel well.

How do you do it?

  • Don’t stop
  • Never stop running
  • Trust no one
  • Don’t share feelings
  • Better yet, don’t have them
  • Always watch, listen
  • Note any sign of danger
  • Network extensively
  • Tell only the required truths
  • Make allies, not friends
  • Schedule EVERYTHING
  • Learn the rules & the rules in play
  • Learn how to exploit the loopholes
  • Study systems
  • Hide out to spend time alone
  • Have an acute understanding you are NEVER safe.
  • Love from afar
  • Do not engage
  • Learn to walk away
  • Turn rage into ash inside your soul
  • Develop a network of safe support
  • Be whatever you need to be in the moment
  • Be specific
  • Focus on tasks
  • Never lose sight of the big picture
  • Ignore pain
  • Never admit weakness
  • Learn by doing
  • Do what works
  • Know God. Believe God.
  • Don’t make promises or keep secrets
  • Have at least one safe grounding person you trust who wants nothing from you
  • Try not to remember what you love, that this is not you
  • Avoid emotion-producing situations
  • Walk towards the fire
  • Cry out to God, “Why can’t I matter too?”
  • Distract from the fact you don’t feel love
  • Ignore painful personal facts
  • Avoid free time
  • Do projects
  • Don’t take no for an answer
  • Spend time alone
  • Scream
  • Pull your hair
  • Ask questions no one answers
  • Say important things no one understands
  • Spend time in psych hospitals
  • Take lots of drugs
  • Stop eating occasionally
  • Maintain control
  • Run from feeling trapped
  • Cry in private – public restrooms, parking lots, in the dark, behind dumpsters, silently
  • Get your love from hugs
  • Never think about this
  • Throw yourself into helping others
  • Hate almost everyone
  • Take your meds on time
  • Chart your progress – detailed & scientifically
  • NEVER STOP RUNNING
  • Choose measurable tasks over humans
  • Thrive on lists
  • When given the option, choose kids or animals or the disabled over adults
  • Learn to ignore
  • Swing
  • Twirl
  • Write
  • Run away every once in a while
  • Come back. Don’t talk about it.
  • Never let your guard down, even at home
  • When you fail, back away, shut people out, try again.
  • Sing
  • Rock
  • Pray
  • Never stop running
  • Then eventually die
  • But not without doing it all the right way

(stare)

That’s all for now.

PS –

  • Don’t forget to hate people, vehemently
  • Remember to eat
  • And always keep a hair clip, journal & cardigan on hand.

So if you want to know how I do it, my best answer is God.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015