I just want to be

A thought from today.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2017

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I want to fall in

7-2-12     8:04pm

I am SO tired. I skipped group tonight, which I rarely do. My body is rebelling. I don’t blame it.

I did some work for a friend today, helped with some organizing and grounding. I knew about halfway through I needed to stop but I stuck it out. I wrapped up nicely and went on my merry way. But I was barely breathing and in full body freakout mode and when I got to my other friend’s house (Mj) my legs gave up on walking right and then came the dizziness and head pain. I am so tired that it’s hard to stay upright, yet I’m not sleepy. I can’t explain it. Mj understands. I really enjoyed staying with her, having some moments to myself.

I find myself questioning if doing this work (helping) is worth it. Is helping and getting out of my house and my head and being somewhat social worth the toll it takes on mind and body? My friend doesn’t know what I’m going through and it’s hard for me to explain. Hard to explain why 4 hours of help causes massive body shutdown. Why I can organize and create systems but not eat. Why I LOOK fine when I’m really not. And it’s harder for me to say, “Hey, I’m not ok.” (tears) I want to be ok. I REALLY want to be ok. I don’t want to be a secret and I don’t want to be a lie. And I don’t want to feel ashamed… But I do. So I just press through it and deal with the fallout. I want to fall in.

I went walking with Mj and her dog a few times. It felt really good. I just got home to my mom on the phone with her boyfriend and Zoe. I don’t want to be here. (deep breath and tears) I can’t make it go away.

I’m so tired. My face burns and I’m tired.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

What to do with a day…

5-26-10                 2:08am

So, I don’t do well with unscheduled time. Days off are like poison. They drive me insane. But when I wake up with nothing to do, I can’t seem to figure it out. What do you do with a day?

Choir ended with the festival last Friday. It doesn’t start up again for several months. And now on my calendar I have groups and appointments. Sacha Sundays starts again in a few weeks, which I’m looking forward to. But that makes 13 scheduled hours for the MONTH. AHHHHHHHH!

When there is nothing on my calendar, my mom assumes that time will be dedicated to cleaning the house or helping her move things around. No. If she could never leave this house again that woman would be happy. But I can’t stand to be here. I need out! I need stimulation and material for thought, movement, food. I am not low-maintenance. But I don’t know what to do with a day.

I’m not in school and I don’t want to be. I can’t get a job. Don’t ask why. It’s a long explanation. And I need not to be volunteering in a hospital or around children or anything depressing. So what do you do with a day? I really need to be around people but I don’t know that many people to meet up with or who would actually do lunch. Everyone I ask always seems to be busy. And everywhere I go costs money. I’m not rich. I can’t afford to be shelling out money every day. What do you do with a day?

There is a lot of work I can do for my group. But I need to get out of my house to do it. I need an office, some place I can go to work, and a place I can LEAVE my work. You know? I’d like to volunteer somewhere I enjoy being that doesn’t require me to be super reliable. My body cannot handle steady work, but I have lots of skills. I can get shit done. I make cool things happen. What do you do with a day?

When I think about things to do, the things that come to mind are groups. But I don’t need any more groups. I need normal people activities. I belong to several Meetups but I rarely go. They just don’t interest me. It’s like I’m waiting for something. I’m just not sure what. It will happen, eventually.

God seems to drop things into my life when I least expect it. When I think there is nothing else left, something appears seemingly out of nowhere. It’s there for a reason and right on time. I just have to wait. But in the meantime, I need something to do. What do you do with YOUR day?

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010