Thank God for Dr. N

5-17-10                 1pm

I appreciate my doctor today. He’s awesome. He may not know what’s wrong with me but he certainly does care.

I left him a copy of “I don’t know” is NOT acceptable at the hospital on Friday. I knew it was him calling this morning super early but I was too tired to pick up the phone. When he called again I knew I had to. I was so tired I was having trouble understanding what he said but the parts I got make me smile. He said he can see I’m very angry and that I have reason to be. He said, “It’s not usually my practice to make stuff up and lie to people.” Lol. He said he’s not trained in neurology and therefore can’t help me with that but that he’ll do everything he can to help me with the psych stuff and that I can call him any time. (smile) I just want to hug him!

I hate phone calls when I’m sleeping but this one was good. :) Thank God for Dr. N.

©Michelle Routhieaux 2010

What keeps me going

5-15-10          2am

Choir, FB, music, Malan, group, hugs, getting out of my house, texts from Sacha, movies, friends who aren’t idiots, texting those friends about the ones who are, my therapist, sleep, people who surprise me with their kindness, writing, and lots of burritos. And ramen, and drugs, and a good sense of humor. Musicals. Gosh, they’re wonderful. :) People who know what I’m talking about. Sing-a-longs. People who ALSO randomly sing and dance in public.

I’m listening to the “Avenue Q” soundtrack. I LOVE it. Makes me smile. :) I like this pink color too. It’s soft and fuzzy. I love that after a really crazy hard day I can sit here and type soft pink fuzzy letters while listening to “If You Were Gay” and smile until my face hurts and bounce in my chair. (big sigh) The good moments in life. :) They are what keep me going. Appreciating so deeply the special people in my life. Knowing there’s only now. (zap) Yes, only now. And now. And now. (big smile) I love musicals.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Dig Up the Chickens & What I Want You to Know

3-13-10                 7:07pm

Even if I die tonight, please dig up the chickens. The mummified chickens in the hillside of the Flying Hills playground.

Those chickens taught me a lesson. I didn’t want to touch them. Dead chickens are gross. But no one else want to do it, so I did. I salted and patted and changed the chickens. And something interesting happened – a sudden change in dynamics. They were grateful for me doing this unmentionable task, then expected me to do it, then made fun of me for doing it… What? It seems to be a pattern.


My right hand is shaking and I feel like crying… I’m scared… (smile) Sacha just walked by and sang, “Cheer up, Charlie.” She’s beautiful.

“You are nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” – lyrics Daniel’s singing.

What I Want You to Know

  • That I love you.
  • I may hate people but I love deeply too.
  • Don’t let a chance for happiness pass you by, even if it means driving an extra hundred miles out of your way in the snow.
  • Say what you mean, no matter what people think.
  • Please don’t say it’s a shame that I died so young or that it’s before my time. Bullshit. It’s been a long fucking life. I have spared no experience, no expense. And the thought of living another 24 years like these just might kill me.
  • Please laugh. For every reason & no reason at all.

-Ahhh, half hour in comes the smile. :)

I’m so glad I came. :)

PS – I sold the hole punch. The new doctor is great.