Jesus & Happy

4/2/12

Jesus,

Did anyone tell you what happiness is? That you had a right to feel it? I’m pretty sure the knowledge/awareness of “happy” and the expectation that I should or should be able to feel it are fucking me up.

Have people always expected to feel happy? What if feeling awful is the default? If I was okay with feeling awful my life would be much better. Is this an American thing? I do NOT feel happy.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

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The choice is clear

6-6-11

The choice is never clear.

I made a decision today – to go to clog camp next week. In Utah. With my mom. For $340.

I haven’t been to clog camp since 2004. I really want to go but my gut says No. It’s a lot a lot of money but that’s not the only reason why. I don’t feel safe to go. I don’t feel healthy enough. I just want to be me again. You know? Maybe just for a weekend. To not be confused or scared. To dance like everyone’s watching. To feel confident and free.

I remember feeling that way at clog camp. On top of the world. With people I love. They call me The Machine. For my steel trap memory. We eat popsicles in the late afternoon.

The choice is never clear.
Nor is the question. I don’t even know what it is. What am I asking?

Why am I going?
What is the purpose?
Will I get to go again?
If I go will I be able to handle it? If I can’t, what happens next?
If I don’t go, will I be able to forgive myself for my illness stealing my dream?

(sigh) Wow.
The choice is never clear.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011