6-6-11

The choice is never clear.

I made a decision today – to go to clog camp next week. In Utah. With my mom. For $340.

I haven’t been to clog camp since 2004. I really want to go but my gut says No. It’s a lot a lot of money but that’s not the only reason why. I don’t feel safe to go. I don’t feel healthy enough. I just want to be me again. You know? Maybe just for a weekend. To not be confused or scared. To dance like everyone’s watching. To feel confident and free.

I remember feeling that way at clog camp. On top of the world. With people I love. They call me The Machine. For my steel trap memory. We eat popsicles in the late afternoon.

The choice is never clear.
Nor is the question. I don’t even know what it is. What am I asking?

Why am I going?
What is the purpose?
Will I get to go again?
If I go will I be able to handle it? If I can’t, what happens next?
If I don’t go, will I be able to forgive myself for my illness stealing my dream?

(sigh) Wow.
The choice is never clear.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011