It’s 3am and I’m entering chart data and listening to youtube music. I just hate everyone today. I didn’t wake up feeling this way. At least I didn’t think I did. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on how to make my life better and on what independence looks like to me. I was having a few okay days but not today. Today I am pissed at life and everyone in it. My mom is miffed that I’m bitchy. She drives me nuts. I tolerate a lot of things but when I feel like this I tolerate nothing. I don’t want to see or hear anything wonderful much less anything incoherent, incorrect or nonsensical. I just can’t do it.
Just a few days ago I enjoyed twirling randomly, pulling weeds and eating ice cream. Tonight I just sit here, working and angry. This is the 49th week of the charting system I designed with my psychiatrist. I’ve got 4 different systems going right now, but this one is ours. I have a daily record for the past 49 weeks of what I did and felt, my states of functioning in percentages and pretty colors, my period and when I had suicidal ideations. I started reading through some of it and remembering. I’ll have to read it in chunks. It’s intense.
It doesn’t feel like almost a year. I don’t feel time at all really. The calendar says tomorrow (or today) is the first day of July. What does July feel like? Does it feel any different than March? Or 1987? The days and hours melt into colors and numbers and refills. Appointments and sleep. A month is such a long time to wait to pay my bills again, yet so short when it comes to a calendar page… (quiet)
It’s 3am and I don’t want to sleep. I need to write about my mom and her new boyfriend and about my fear and independence. But it’s late. And my eyes hurt. And I can’t think. I still don’t want to sleep. Just thought I’d check in.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2012