Quiet is Purple

11/29/2016

meter-11

(sit quietly near to be where I’m not)

What seems like a void isn’t.
And what’s heard as silence isn’t.
The lack of air that fills my soul, it makes no sound.
No one hears the silent screaming.

Tea. Broadway. Fading lies.
No Giving Tuesday for me.
No Denver, or Ohio, or Scotty.

Quiet is purple.
Quiet is me.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2016

Childless

6-4-13     9:53am

(quiet…)

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There is an issue going on at a group I attend. It is heated and ugly and hurtful. I had been handling the situation rather well, even people’s anger at me, until someone said to me yesterday he thinks the problem is most of the people there are “childless.” (pause ) Childless.

(quiet…)

I just stared at him. I said I don’t see that as a or the problem. He said for people with children it’s different… Right… It is the equivalent of saying his views matter more because he got someone pregnant. A grand justification. A rather easy excuse to cut many people off, I say, not deal with feelings. Hate is much easier than truth. I went on about my way but the word kept coming back. Childless.

Yes, I am childless. I have no biological children. I have not given birth. I’m not a foster mom. I don’t babysit. I don’t care often for others’ children. Oftentimes children annoy me. Not by choice… I didn’t wake up one day and decide not to have children, set a goal of dying alone in a house full of cats. I am aware there is a timeline on motherhood and that I’m a good portion into it… Childless.

The word keeps coming into my head. Childless. (deep breath)

I think that men have it easier than women. The person weilding this word pointed out most of the people in the group are childless. I don’t think that’s true. In fact, a good many of the men in the group have children they or someone else care for. A man may complain about paying child support but isn’t caring for the kids. It is harder for a woman to walk away. Like a lion pride, men can fuck and walk away. The women do the work. Most times. If we can’t or choose not to, there are other options. Options of course we will be hated forever for. But yes, it’s the fault of the childless that I don’t hate sex offenders.

I have dealt well with being attacked on many sides in the current situation. For this one I have no defense.

(quiet…)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013

Quiet

6-6-10                   1:04am

I sit here quiet tonight. I just don’t have the right words.

There are a few people I feel very connected to. I’m not sure why. I just do. They have this energy. I just know that they’re special. There’s something about them I can’t quite shake. Like B-. When I first met her at an HD convention years ago I was in her group and I just kept staring at her. I didn’t know why but she was one of those people. And she kept staring back. There are three in my life right now. When they hurt, I hurt. When they’re happy, I’m happy. It’s like there’s a soul-connection. I don’t understand it but I know that it is.

Tonight I am quiet. I don’t know what to say. One of them is hurting and it is a heaviness I carry with me. I don’t get to choose it. It’s just there. It makes my face hurt, makes it hard to breathe. If I could just be quiet with this person. It is more powerful than any words. A hug. I know. And I’m here. It’s hard to send that over email.

Do you have a person or persons you’re just connected to? People who for no rational reason can take you on an emotional ride? People you believe too much, no matter what they say, just because they’re them? From whom a single text or picture can change your entire day or leave you thinking for weeks? And people who’s pain that has nothing to do with you can make you physically hurt? I am so grateful that I have these people. I would do or give anything for them. But tonight it leaves me quiet.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010