Open to God

7/18/12     6:17pm

I went to an ANAD meeting today. (I’m feeling anxious right now.) I went to the meeting and I realized how grown-up I am, how much progress I’ve made. I am not in that anymore. I’m not even in me. I worked for S-. I’m being opened to wisdom.

I have better boundaries. I understand why I do things. I practice mindfulness and DBT. I plan. I take care of me. I let things go.

Today last year I checked into CAP2. I could barely talk. I wanted to die. I was terrified. Dr. N was mad at me for giving up. I was so tired that I didn’t have it in me to try. Too tired to want to get better.

(deep breath, crickets) zap.

I rested. Then I did the work. And all year I’ve been working, learning, growing. Experiencing. Life.

I am more able now to deal with tsunamis of emotion. I can handle physical symptoms without freaking out. I made it through several crises, one of which I really would’ve preferred to be inpatient for, on the outside. I did it. And I’m doing it. I’m doing it.

My set of symptoms hasn’t changed much, but my ability to deal with it has. I also have stuck faithfully to the charting system I created with Dr. N in the hospital. July 28th will mark one year. It’s been good seeing him often and having a system we both understand and agree on. I trust him.

I’m finally to that point of being able to think about creating a life worth living. I want more for me. Marc wanted me to do that in 2008. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know what it will look like – probably a lot different than the picture in my head – but I’m open to ideas. I’m open to what God has planned for me. I’m open to God.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012

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4 thoughts on “Open to God

  1. Few questions about your thyroid nodule:
    Does it affect your singing voice?
    Are you going to have it removed?
    Is it large enough to be seen on the outside?
    Thanks!

    • Yes. It hurts to sing and my voice sounds different. They won’t take it out because it’s 7x7x5mm and they won’t touch anything smaller than a full cm. And no. You can feel it but not see it.

  2. Maybe the checking in, provided a good starting point for all this growth. We often look at (rock bottom) as failure but I think the failure is when we don’t learn. I’m at my rock bottom right now, I’m miserable and I HATE my life, I’m constantly under stress, have anxiety and I can’t seem to catch my breath. But one thing I’m sure of, is that this is only a season. I’m determined to GROW and you’re providing inspiration for me, my friend.

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