7/18/12 6:17pm
I went to an ANAD meeting today. (I’m feeling anxious right now.) I went to the meeting and I realized how grown-up I am, how much progress I’ve made. I am not in that anymore. I’m not even in me. I worked for S-. I’m being opened to wisdom.
I have better boundaries. I understand why I do things. I practice mindfulness and DBT. I plan. I take care of me. I let things go.
Today last year I checked into CAP2. I could barely talk. I wanted to die. I was terrified. Dr. N was mad at me for giving up. I was so tired that I didn’t have it in me to try. Too tired to want to get better.
(deep breath, crickets) zap.
I rested. Then I did the work. And all year I’ve been working, learning, growing. Experiencing. Life.
I am more able now to deal with tsunamis of emotion. I can handle physical symptoms without freaking out. I made it through several crises, one of which I really would’ve preferred to be inpatient for, on the outside. I did it. And I’m doing it. I’m doing it.
My set of symptoms hasn’t changed much, but my ability to deal with it has. I also have stuck faithfully to the charting system I created with Dr. N in the hospital. July 28th will mark one year. It’s been good seeing him often and having a system we both understand and agree on. I trust him.
I’m finally to that point of being able to think about creating a life worth living. I want more for me. Marc wanted me to do that in 2008. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know what it will look like – probably a lot different than the picture in my head – but I’m open to ideas. I’m open to what God has planned for me. I’m open to God.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2012
Writing Towards Happy 
Few questions about your thyroid nodule:
Does it affect your singing voice?
Are you going to have it removed?
Is it large enough to be seen on the outside?
Thanks!
Yes. It hurts to sing and my voice sounds different. They won’t take it out because it’s 7x7x5mm and they won’t touch anything smaller than a full cm. And no. You can feel it but not see it.
Maybe the checking in, provided a good starting point for all this growth. We often look at (rock bottom) as failure but I think the failure is when we don’t learn. I’m at my rock bottom right now, I’m miserable and I HATE my life, I’m constantly under stress, have anxiety and I can’t seem to catch my breath. But one thing I’m sure of, is that this is only a season. I’m determined to GROW and you’re providing inspiration for me, my friend.
Thanks, Traci. It’s a long process. I’m sorry that your life is so awful. I’ve found that growth is something I have to experience. I can’t learn it. You know?