6-7-11         6:10pm

I look good today. My favorite pink shirt that makes me look skinny, the black capris I like.

I’m sitting in a CBT lecture about the purpose of feelings. I’m glad that I’m here but I can’t follow the lecture. It’s not organized enough for me. I just came from Office Depot. I landed there after an “Ooo, Shiny” moment.

My voicemail system kept telling me I was entering the wrong password, not reading my entries and shutting me out. After 3 tries I called Verizon, whose system also shut me out, twice. And I started screaming. I screamed at my phone, slammed it into my journal a few times and threw it in the back seat. And magically Office Depot appeared. Oooo, shiny.

I asked my mom to pull over and explored the store for awhile, where I discovered my next project find. I brought my mom in and bought the stuff and she helped me return some stuff. But they charged me the wrong price. Something I could not deal with. I wandered away and sat by a trash can and just kept repeating, “I don’t understand. Why can’t it make sense?” She fixed it but tried to tell me when that happens I have to do something. I told her there’s a difference between knowing I need to do something and actually being able to do it.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told him all about the past few weeks. I consulted my mood chart to remember. He said, “That’s sad. Your brain is playing tricks on you.” No shit, Dr. N. Lol. He always says, “You should see a shrink.” He makes me laugh. He said I should go to BYU (clog camp). He thinks it’ll be good for me. I’m scared but I think it’ll be good for me too.

This lecture is a weird mix of pieces from other lectures. Like leftover therapy stew.

(walk around the garden talking to myself)

Today I asked my mom, “What is a turkey sandwich?” Dr. N says my brain just checks out, shuts down in times of acute stress. But I can’t remember what was so stressful. I think a combination of the extreme stress from Dr. T and my session with Jim last week. But they were not close together. I’m surprised I’m not more stressed by or dwelling on the lack of music in my life. The days just fade into each other and I forget. I’ve been watching DVDs lately. I never watch DVDs.

Gosh I love this garden.
I’m convinced today someone turned the stone fountain. But I’m pretty sure it’s me. I’d like to sit here every day. On the bench under the trellis, listening to the waterfall, walking the labyrinth, staring at the fish. Watching the bubbles slide down the stone fountain. The lavender bush on the path. Today there’s a detox girl walking with her visitor. She talks and talks and talks.

I picked a fuzzy pea pod off the trellis plant. I wish I could sit here every day. Where the world stops for a moment and I find me, looking good. What a day.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011