4-26-10                 5:03am

Time really fucks with me. I have no concept of time. My day is significantly shifted from that of the average person. I don’t understand. It just all flows together. The difference between a minute, an hour, and a day are dependent on how I feel and 10 other things at any given time. I don’t usually know what day it is or the date or the month. I have to think what year it is. I also don’t instinctively know my age.

This gets confusing when I know I have to be somewhere at 4pm but I don’t know when 4pm is or I have an appointment on the 18th but I don’t know that’s tomorrow, and if I do know that’s tomorrow I don’t understand how long is before now and then. This also messes with my perception of how long it’s been since I’ve done something. I gave someone whom I know is extremely busy a letter on Thursday night. It’s now 5am Monday morning and I’ve been freaking out because I have no response. For me those 3 days are FOREVER. It doesn’t help that my amount of downtime with no external distraction is almost constant. If I had 2 hours a day to think about these things my time might seem to go quick. But about 22 of my 24 hours each day are downtime. (sigh)

Suffice to say, I’m confused. It’s kinda like this. Imagine if you were looking at your monthly calendar and there was no title, no month, and no numbers. Just a bunch boxes not even in the right order and some in a language you don’t speak. You look down at your watch to see the time but there is only a second hand, it’s rotating backwards and there are no numbers. Now try to be on time for something or make a deadline… Right.

My psychiatrist blames this inability to comprehend time on my staying up all night. I think that’s bullshit. I’ve never met another person who has this and I’m damn sure not every shift worker is as confused as I am.

Anyone have any experience with this? If so, what do you do to help? It’s nice to not be tied to a calendar or clock, but sometimes I need to know what’s going on. And yes, I am asking for advice. ;)

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