Not Okay

4-27-10                 12:34am

I woke up this morning to an image of Randy, followed by total black. I had never seen anything like it. My body kept trying unsuccessfully to throw up. My head was searing. I am grateful my Maxalt is now covered. S— called. Then I went back to sleep.

I was not doing well before I found out. Now I’m confused. Nothing makes sense. I had trouble singing in choir. I couldn’t even read the menu at dinner tonight and realized two hours after that I paid $10 too much. I get waves of emotion, a few minutes, then it’s gone. I’m exhausted.

My friend Randy took his life yesterday. My other friend and his gardener found him. He told us before group last night and we told the group.

I feel like my whole body is shaking, but it’s not. I rock. Stare. My thinking, is slow. I didn’t know Randy well but I knew him and I understand why he would take his life. I get it. I’m glad he’s not suffering. But we are.

It’s a weird position to be in. I’m a survivor who not infrequently considers suicide who is tasked with managing the after-effects on a group of others who have attempted or considered it also. It’s good to have something to do, but…

The logical side of me fights with the emotional one. I’m proud of myself for calling Bonnie tonight to meet for coffee. I don’t usually ask for help, but I’m not okay. (breath) I’m not okay.

The break will come. I’m not sure when. The moment when the emotion comes out and the anxiety goes away. I wait. Had one a few weeks ago in Jim’s bathroom. (deep breath) It’s good to breathe.



PS – I’m so grateful for good friends. Reading my email tonight makes me smile warmly. So much love.

We’ll miss you, Randy.


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