4-25-10                 3:12pm

Society has failed to program me correctly. I’m missing essential code.

4:10pm

Spike in anxiety. Trouble breathing. When is it my turn? I’ve asked this before. When do they call our the guard for me and the guard actually comes and helps?

Just got a text from J- (no doubt a mass message) about FC being at BSL and being lonely, a request for calls and visitors. I’m so sick of being expected to help people! The last time I was in the hospital for a month I made it clear I wanted no random visitors. No extra stress. But my group didn’t even get me a card. J’s response when I asked why – they (whoever they is) figured I wouldn’t want it. What? Just because I can’t stand seeing you face to face it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate some show of support. The only message I got of appreciation on Wednesday was Angel’s status update that came to my phone & woke me up. I saw some ladies in  Tio Leo’s with roses. When I asked why, they confirmed the text. It was Secretaries’ Day. Admin Professionals’ Day. Whatever you want to call it. Last year I bought Mags flowers for it. Nobody remembers.

Do me a favor? When you get an email or text or letter from someone you don’t absolutely hate, SEND ONE BACK! (big sigh) And if you hate them, send a message back to say that. For me, not hearing anything back is brutal. I know people are busy – (breathing heavy) You may not know the effort it took to write and send out, how many hours of deliberation and thought, how many sessions of therapy it came up in. You don’t know. And if you do, why wait? It’s just mean. I don’t understand.

I’m waiting on a response from 2 people. One of them I sent of a letter of support she requested about something that happened a few weeks ago. She knows this letter was hard for me. I told her. The event kept playing in my head. It terrified me. I conquered the letter. I’d appreciate a response. You know? The second person I’m not sure I’ll ever get a response from.

Solitary confinement in prison would kill me.