4-24-10                 3:30am

Do you ever sit next to someone and you really want to just hug them but you can’t?

I don’t like this habit of crying in my kitchen at night. Last night I sat next to S- and I needed him so much. But I didn’t say it. I don’t want to scare him. I think I already have and I’m sad. I’m more sad that I’m crying alone in my kitchen.

J- went on this diatribe tonight about how I should back off and not scare S- away with expectations and future thoughts. Scare him away? He couldn’t BE more away. I know. I’m scary. I get it. I can’t be any less me. I don’t send him tons of emails. I rarely text or call. I don’t understand. What is so wrong about pursuing something or someone that brings me comfort? I’m not contagious. I’m not toxic.

Listening to others and their fears messes me up. I’m trying really really hard to appear as needless as possible, but I’m not. I’m extremely lonely…

5:39am

Yes, I’m still up. I’m feeling desperate. Damn birds are starting to chirp. Thankfully, my rain gutter hasn’t coughed up any more dead ones.

What is it that school was trying to prepare me for? Or us? What I use are my writing skills, my ability to convince people to do things, my networking savvy, and my creativity. Occasionally I use math. The rest is useless to me. Except the theater and choir, but that’s not academic. Is the goal to teach you how to learn? (light bulb) No. It’s to teach you how to blindly follow, with a few facts thrown in along the way. The higher up you go in academia the closer you get to the levels where people question why they follow but they still do. Who teaches how to lead and how to lead leaders?

Like I said, I’m still up. I need people. And I need some movement. Walking today felt great. Sleep is impossible with the birds. And Daylight Savings? That’s Darkness Stealing Time for me.

I have nothing to do AND IT’S DRIVING ME NUTS! Yes, I need to do the post-work from the NAMI Walk. Not urgent. Have a paper to edit for a friend – not sure why. Also not urgent. What IS urgent is my restless uneasiness. I don’t want to sleep. I want to scream. I want to be comforted. I want to kick something.

I don’t want to go to the event in 7 hours. Officially 2 hours (which turns into 5) at a buffet whose food I don’t really like with people I try to avoid. The smart ones aren’t going. They realize the set-up, but it’s my event. I have to be there. Self-imposed rule. Last time it was awful. But it’s the only thing I have this weekend.

6:15am

I lay in bed and start to pray and my first thought to God is, “I’m so sorry.” I don’t’ know what for but I’m so very sorry. It’s like the process from Avoidance. If there is a cause and effect for everything this feeling has a cause. But I don’t know what it is. And therefore I can’t fix it. But I feel very guilty.

Neediness is insipid. I don’t know what that means right now but it feels like the right word. It’s mere existence sabotages you. Not the need for an outfit or a head of lettuce. Emotional need. I need someone. But the fact that I need someone makes someones not want me, which makes me more needy. I can’t not need, but I can’t look for people when I need them. It’s too late. And the friends I make when I’m not needy aren’t equipped to or don’t want to deal with the need.

10:50pm

Insipid isn’t right. It’s the “in” word that means self-defeating vicious cycle.