Hope-intolerance & Bullshit

4-24-10                 2am

If I’m hopeful or happy, just be happy for me. It took a long time to get here and it’s fragile. I don’t want or need your advice or predictions of doom or warnings. They fuck with my head. Even if I don’t agree they stick.

And when I’m not happy, just be my friend. I don’t need my problems solved. I just need you to listen, or a hug, or someone to sit with. (close my eyes) Just a friend.

I really need a friend tonight. I’m writing about advice while fighting with my mom, whom I rarely understand. My “friends” are all in some sort of crisis or otherwise unavailable, unhelpful or asleep. I feel alone. —

I sat at the OCD group tonight, which was particularly odd, and thought, “I am surrounded by crazy people.” I don’t want to be.

I’m finding it harder to have hope and be happy than to function depressed. And I say that because people don’t like happy people. Even I don’t usually like happy people. But I don’t try to burst their bubble when I meet them. It’s like there’s a hope-intolerance. There are still people whose joy I can’t take, whose hope makes me sick. But I don’t think I’m one of those people. I’m kind of in between. I’m a person who understands the depths of suffering and now feels hope in the suffering but is not yet through it.

And I am quick to point out the bullshit and to simplify. I have no desire to dance around the truth most days and I don’t appreciate people lying to me. Just say it. Whatever it is, just say it. And if you can’t, say that. This Green Peace guy stopped me on the way to choir the other day and I kept asking what he wanted me to do. He kept on with his plug. Finally, he said he wanted a monthly donation. He could’ve saved us both time and energy had he just said that to begin with. People seem to lack the ability to answer a question directly. And it drives me fucking nuts. I’m a writer. I appreciate flowery language. But I despise unnecessary crap. (sigh)

Life is like a live interview on CNN. You don’t get a do-over, 30 million people are watching and you have to make due with the question you’re given in a short amount of time. Sure you can bullshit your way around it, but why? Answer the damn question.

(sigh) I’m so tired. Oh, and answer it correctly with accurate information that makes sense. (roll my eyes) What a novel idea.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

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2 thoughts on “Hope-intolerance & Bullshit

  1. I LOVE to “listen” to the the way you write! So many things in each entry touch my heart and soul – usually on a bunch of different levels.

    Of course, I love to listen to you talk also. I’m just one of those damnable people who makes it hard to someone else to get a word in. Just listening is undoubtedly the hardest communication and social skill to master – tons of studies to confirm that. I’m always trying to work on it. Always trying to keep in mind the advice of a good friend that appealled to my infinite curiosity about people and things: “Karen, if you stop tallking you’ll hear a lot of interesting things you would have missed out on.”

    Can’t seem to find the right words I want to say about your writing and blog so here goes anyway – THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your a truly unique voice and ability to express yourself in a way that reasonates with me and many other people. NO EASY FEAT – A TRUE TALENT.

    You’ve becoming a part of my “morning” routine – even when I’ve just got the energy/concentration to read part of an entry – new or old. Coffee + Michelle’s blog = a smile and a sense of connection with the world via one of my favorite people talking about something meaningful.

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