I wrote these rules back in September. There are many of them I don’t subscribe to anymore and fight actively every day, but these are the rules that make up the foundation to who I am and why I do what I do.

9/12/09

Rules About How the World Works

• Trust no one.
• No one is safe.
• Everyone wants something from you.
• You will lose everything.
• You deserved none of it.
• No one can save you, not even God.
• Only you can save yourself and usually even you can’t.
• People die.
• Don’t get attached (or attacked).
• You are not now and will never be good enough. Yet you will spend your life trying to be perfect.
• No one really cares about you.
• Get over it.
• It’s always your fault.
• You are not allowed to get angry or say “No.” You are a bad person if you do this.
• Taking care of you should be avoided at all cost. Others are more important. You can wait.
• Men are evil and unsafe, the root of the world’s problems.
• You should always be (or appear) happy. It’s not okay to feel bad. Depression is a sin. So is anger.
• Never question the preacher, teacher, person of authority. They are RIGHT, whether they are or not.
• It’s my responsibility to deal with the victim but I’m not allowed to confront the attacker. (helping & helpless)
• It’s not okay to have my own opinion if it’s different than hers or theirs.
• If I speak out or stand up for myself, I will lose everything. (Mom)
• As long as I please people I will be safe and feel love, be treated well.
• I’m only worthy if I am successful and important, have power.
• People hate needy people.
• Being “needy” is not okay.
• Most people really don’t care about me.
• Money CAN buy a little happiness and a LOT of power.
• Without money, you are nothing and no one.
• People are often much happier knowing nothing or next to nothing about you than the truth.
• There are no atheists in foxholes.
• Church can be Heaven or Hell depending on who’s preaching and who’s singing.
• Take everything free you can get, even if you don’t need it.
• Never pass up a sale.
• Always answer the phone.
• It’s okay to be late as long as you apologize profusely and bring food.
• Pretending to love someone you hate is very difficult. Pretending to hate someone you love is even harder.
• You can’t buy your way into or bribe a true friendship.
• It is possible to say “I love you” too much.
• Keep your emergency info in order.
• Pay attention to your receipts.
• Shred everything.
• Keep everything you don’t shred or throw out. Even if you don’t want it now, you might in 10 years.
• The holidays suck. Spend them sleeping, dancing or doing something you enjoy.
• There is no such thing as a happy family.
• Never buy milk for $2 when you could drive halfway across town & get it for $1.99.
• I am never equal, either above or below another person, or often just separate.
• I have no control over other people, but what they do greatly affects me.
• Red nail polish & lipstick are reserved for hookers. (Mom & Estergren)
• High heels are for adults-only.
• Sex is nasty and evil.
• A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. (Grandma)
• Be tough. Don’t cry.
• Your opinion doesn’t matter.
• You don’t count.
• Christmas & birthdays are about the presents & guilt.
• Work the system until you get what you want. If it won’t give, find another system.
• You don’t deserve to have what you want so hold on tight before you lose it.
• I am entitled to greatness, the very best & nothing less.
• Being crazy gives me meaning.
• I was put on this Earth for a purpose.
• God is testing me with this suffering to teach me something.
• I am damaged.

It is easier for me to believe that I’m damaged and there must be something horribly wrong with me than to acknowledge that the world is out of my control and I am powerless to stop it.

• Skinny is good & fat is bad, but skinny is mean and fat is happy.
• You can never be thin enough.
• My heartbeat will always be there for me.
• Doctors are not usually all that brilliant or even nice.
• Assuming people care about you or expecting them to is dangerous.
• Take chances and risks, but know that you WILL get burned.
• The safe way is not always the fun or right way to go.
• You can do anything you want, as long as you can keep a secret.
• Become good at lying. You’ll need it.
• Go straight to the top. Don’t bother with the middle men. They just bullshit you and make your life Hell.
• Children learn what they live.
• There’s always someone watching or listening.
• There are people out there you don’t even know who know you and like you more than you like yourself. (OC Fair girl)
• Always use a coupon.
• If your food is bad, send it back.
• Don’t expect anyone to know what you want or need. Tell them.
• Music heals.
• So does dance.