4-11-10                 4:57am

Do you ever get lost in a project? So close to the end but you just can’t finish? And you’re really not sure just what the project is?

I don’t know what I sat down to do tonight. I got up yesterday around 4pm, took a nap at 6. I think I got online to pay a bill after midnight, which I’ve yet to do, but somehow that led me into cleaning off my table, sorting papers. So in the past few hours I’ve cleared off most of my table, which means it actually looks worse than it did to start with. Before there were neat piles. Now it’s just a mess. Halfway through I decided I needed a sticker chart for paying bills so I played around in Excel for awhile and made one. I’ve had my iTunes on shuffle. There is no better way to confuse my emotions than to shuffle. “For Good” from Wicked came on and caught my attention, so I listened to the Wicked soundtrack. Beforehand I had felt pretty good but after that cd I just felt shitty. So I went back to shuffle, which was worse. So now I’m on Disney music, which is better. And I have a confusing mess on the table, another box of now organized things I still don’t know what to do with.

As I look around I see SO many things to do. I’m rather convinced it will never all be done. And I think that’s good cuz it’s stuff I don’t want to do. And in every pile there are memories, some that surprise me with their goodness, others I’d rather stay forgotten. In this process D- IMed me on FB. Her dad died tonight, which reminded me of when my dad died. Also something I’d like to forget.

I LOVE “Shrek Dance Party!” Lol. Sorry, distracted by music. :)

I’m really good at organizing and coming up with creative solutions to things. But less so when I’m completely surrounded by the things I’m supposed to organize and tied in by so many rules. The simpler rules are things like having to keep bank and credit card statements and medical bills for x number of years. The more complicated ones are about things I’m supposed to read or should read or want to do something about, fortunes from fortune cookies, anything given to me, things with memories attached to them, things I may EVER be able to use in the future or that might help someone else. I have boxes of things to give away, but I haven’t given them away. They just sit there… (sigh) Grrr… And now it’s after 5am, I’m exhausted, surrounded by projects and overwhelmed by the idea of them.

Goal – talk to Jim this week about hoarding and OCD. I should email him in case I forget or avoid the topic. (sigh) It makes me angry to have this issue. WHY THE FUCK CAN’T I GET RID OF STUFF? Or just stop acquiring it? I know I learned the behavior and most of the rules from my mom, but it wasn’t always this way and I don’t know when it started. At least it wasn’t always this bad… I’m ashamed of it. My mom doesn’t like inviting people over. Other people seeing my house and all my stuff doesn’t bother me. I don’t care what THEY think. I care what I think. It’s more of feeling like I’ll never be free from it than that other people will hate me for it. They can leave. I LIVE here. I live with myself.

God, I miss the Main Street Electrical Parade… :) Now THAT’s a good memory.