I was thinking this night of what I do and don’t have to give, what it is that I bring to the table in a relationship.

Excerpt from journal entry

12-29-09               11:57pm

…

What I do have/can give:

I have passion and the ability to listen. I am honest, almost always. I am loyal and I give myself. Really, it’s all the I have to give. I am broken and I appreciate the brokenness of others. And I want them to appreciate me.

I am smart and crazy and moody and wild. I get angry and people bug me. I can appear to be happy and be dying inside. And I often won’t tell you unless you ask. Sometimes not even then.

I am not generally a happy person these days. I have a lot of things on my mind. I’m often quiet. I do what I have to and I help a lot of people. But I don’t get the help.

I long to be held, to have someone to be quiet with. I want to have someone, a friend, who’s good at listening, who I don’t have to carry. A give and take. A respect, loyalty. Someone I don’t have to hide from. Someone who doesn’t hide from me.

I see other people who have versions of this. It’s like the poem I can’t find about the girl who walks outside in the rain watching families through the windows. I don’t want to watch anymore. It’s painful. I want to take part in life. I want to experience life and love.

–

I’m tired. I’m fucking tired. I’m fucking tired of feeling lonely. Tired of pain. Tired of flying solo, doing things on my own. Stan was right tonight. You can have the best psychiatrists and therapists in the world but without a friend, you (and I) have nothing.