Chameleon

4-7-10              2am

My mind is like a chameleon – the reptile kind. Whatever I see or hear just plays over and over until something else replaces it. Words, thoughts, music, images, colors. I only have MY thoughts in certain environments. It’s weird.

Like when I go to Bing Crosby’s and have jazz music surrounding me, my OWN thoughts come out loud and clear. It’s amazing. But step outside and they’re gone.

I cut out an Oprah quote that says, “Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own.” It’s so true. When I’m alone, I can hear myself think better. I went in the grocery store tonight to get 4 things. I came out with about 8. Pretty good for me. But I was talking to myself almost the whole time, then trying to remind myself what I actually came in for. I kept catching myself actually talking out loud and stopping. But I’ve got to have someone to report all my thoughts to, even if it’s an imaginary person or the one behind me in line. However, the real ones rarely appreciate them.

Other places I think well are on the bus staring out the window, listening to my ipod, walking, and chatting with my friend Christy. In situations where it’s okay just to be me, whatever that means at the moment. Dark and brooding, super serious, happy, hyper, childish, intellectual. Whatever. I like not having to think about my thoughts before I say them…

I had a thought I was going to write down but now it’s gone. Got sucked up by the stream of distractions in front of me.

It’s different with the music though. When there’s not a constant source of external input it takes its own direction. It’s like streaming audio 24/7. Sometimes it’s like a radio station. Others it’s a small part of one song that plays over and over and over again. I can change the song for a short time some days but it usually migrates back to whatever it was playing. Now it’s “I Will Not Be Moved” by Natalie Grant, a song I absolutely love. However, it’s 2:30 in the morning and that song makes me hyper. Lol. My brain fails to take that into account.

Sometimes my mom will ask what I’m thinking or say, “Penny for your thoughts,” but she can never quite follow what I’m thinking. And I can never quite make it comprehendible to her. At any given moment I could be thinking about printer paper, life insurance, pencil lead, and the meaning of life or school lunches, roadways, and shoe box organization at Target. You never know. It’s difficult and fun, like a puzzle, to try to track back to what it is that got me started thinking of those things. It’s such a long long journey. Lol. When I ask her the same thing she says, “Nothing,” or “I’m just tired,” or something similar. HOW CAN YOU BE THINKING NOTHING?! (sigh) That I do not understand.

Whatever. I’m tired. Chatting with Christy about cold toes, big dogs, and glowing boobs. I love my life. Lol. Goodnight.

PS – I also don’t think well “in the moment.” If you’re giving me a lot of information or telling me something important, my actual response you will probably receive in writing several hours or days later. I just need time to process. My brain doesn’t do real-time well.

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