Hope in Electricity

1/23/2017     11:43pm

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I feel so good. My body is really sore and I can’t drive but I feel light. Colors are crisp and clear. They may only last a moment but I have ideas. I smile warmly for no reason. I breathe deeply without having to think.

Today I had ECT (my 1st since April). A change in anesthetic caused some problems but I am so much better. I am blessed with an amazing doctor who genuinely cares about me and a dream support team. Friends are helping with rides. I am released to rest and sleep (both from my depression & ECT).

It’s been almost a year since I was doing somewhat okay. My current therapist says he doesn’t recall ever seeing me not in crisis. Late summer I started to get worse. My repeated calls for help fell on ears that considered them my norm. I prepped to go inpatient in Sept/Oct but thanks to an amazing arsenal of coping skills and extra sessions of therapy I was able to hold off. I asked for ECT. My doc wanted DBT-IOP. I got pushed into a different program instead due to my people being in DBT, despite my multiple warnings that it was not a good idea. It was, as anticipated, a catastrophe that ended with an event appropriately described as trauma that I’ve yet to be able to process. In 1 day I went from 25+ hours of treatment/therapy per week to 2-3 hours. Not good.

Lately my suicidal ideation has been through the roof. I’m fighting for my life. I’ve also been impulsive, angry, self-harming, dark, unable to access empathy, scared, feeling alone and hopeless. Last week I called my therapist at midnight. I packed for the hospital. I cried.

They laid hands on and prayed for me at church on Sunday. It was unexpected yet utterly calming. I was surprised last week when my pdoc offered ECT. In one moment she validated and made my ongoing normalized experience true. I was confused. Even this morning I was panicked as they put me under. But Dr. M had my hand and I could feel God and see the outlines of my angel and D- and some unknown to my left. I am exhausted and sore but I am okay.

God, thank you for blessing me with family & friends and kick ass doctors. Please continue with my healing and keep using me for Your will.

My next treatment is Thursday. I wonder how long they will last – not the set but how long between treatments before the effect begins to wear off. I’m itching to do weekly. I can drive then. ;)

I enjoy resting and sleeping now. And rain

M

Update 1/31/17  1:46am:

I had a treatment on Thursday and another today. The weekend was really bad but I feel better now. I’m getting some rest and reminding myself to do one thing at a time, be “gentle to self,” as we say in group. I’m proud of me and grateful for my treatment team, my friends and ECT. There is hope in electricity.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2017

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Overwhelmed by Technology

9/2/11     1pm

I feel overwhelmed by people and technology. And noise and light and everything else. But right now it’s technology.

Can you name 10 things you interact with every day that don’t require electricity, aren’t connected to the internet, and don’t run on batteries? I’m not against these things but they’re taking over my life. My 10 are my journal, purple pen, cat, furniture, backyard… Well, I guess I don’t have 10.

I find myself surrounded by technology, which isn’t always a bad thing, but people use this technology to get to me. Something is always beeping or ringing or my mom’s phone alarm is going off. She sets that thing for EVERYTHING completely unimportant. Between email, FB, phone, text, SoU and Google+ I am completely available to harass all the time. I’ve taken up reading on my phone, which is great for the 15 seconds it’s not beeping, buzzing or ringing. I wish I never got a smart phone. And I got an i-pod touch from a friend recently when mine disappeared. I’m very grateful to have portable music but I can’t stand the damn thing. Touch is not my mecca. Give me buttons. I want to control it with my eyes shut. It adds to the confusion, the overwhelmedness. WHY IS EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED?

And all these damn things emit their own energy. Energy, energy, energy. Even when they’re silent they make themselves known. And simply looking at them I’m overwhelmed. Everything is on the computer these days. WHAT HAPPENED TO PEN AND PAPER? I’m FREAKIN’ OUT. 

My two phones, i-pod, camera, tv, microwave, computer and radios should NOT be running my life. The first thing I see when I wake up shouldn’t be email. I do not want to be addicted to my smart phone, dependent on technology. I even need my scanner now to communicate with my doctor. The machines are taking over.

I HATE YOU.

I could turn them off but that would be allowing myself to a) admit I’m not important, b) possibly miss something important, or c) deal with my own thoughts. Even more overwhelming.

I am so agitated right now. I need drugs.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011