Changin’ up my life is turning out to be a good thing. Rearranged my whole room tonight. Unearthed all my stashes of crap. Now I’m not sure what to do with them. The energy feels so much better though. And I purchased a netbook today that I feel a bit uneasy about but I think I’m okay with. I don’t wanna use -‘s Mac and I want to be able to work out of the kitchen, especially when D’s here. I got a friend to loan me 2/3 of the money so I feel less nervous about spending that much.
I feel like I’m standing in the ocean. The waves come and go. Creativity, pain. I am not washed away. I got a pedicure today. Felt really good. The thing I chose to do for me in July. Not sure what August will hold. I feel confused and dizzy with hours of anxiety, but there is a peace. A release. I feel like I’m dying, like I’m getting close. It’s probably just a phase but it’s a good feeling. When the ails of the world are distant and there is no time. When I walk through jello and wander and the world stands still. And I feel like I am not in it. That I am separate from everything around me. I want to cry but I don’t feel sad. I feel like a bumblebee.
I try to write but I mostly just stare. Music is too much. I snap at people unexpectedly. But the ocean is me.
PS – I’m talking in accents this week. I need to sing.