10-19-10              8:34pm

I’m sitting at M’s listening to the rain. She’s taking a math test online. We’re cleaning her room.

I miss math so much. I miss the certainty. I miss knowing there is usually an answer. I miss feeling smart. And I miss Terrie.

Up until close to the end, math was always my friend. I got an award in 5th grade for being the only student who ever asked for “more math please.” When life is crazy and nothing makes sense and I need a moderately stressful yet intriguing and rewarding distraction, math is always there.

It is math that makes me believe I can be better than this. That maybe I could be a John Nash – someone who conquers their illness and actually succeeds. I like that feeling. I miss it. And I miss the way it feels to work that part of my brain – to strategize and remember.

Math does not care what I look like or who I am. It is not missing punctuation. At the right level it’s not confusing. It just makes sense. Plain and simple. When life can’t, math can. I miss math.

-M

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010