I feel the need to write…

8/4/13     12:54pm

me 2

I feel the need to write but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m scared. Everything’s changing.

Today I stand tall, walk confidently. A bug sits on my pen. I feel grounded. Diane gave me jewelry. I got many compliments on my appearance, my dress. I feel calm. My head doesn’t hurt yet. I can write without pain. I am removed from me. Watching. It all goes away.

Yesterday I went to a party. I was severely depressed & moderately agitated to begin with. I lied on my floor barely moving, begged myself not to go. But I did. I’m not good at being social. Small talk annoys me. I wanted to leave but I came for S-. I forced myself to participate, to observe. I ate the food, though it scared me. I pet the cat. In my journal I wrote, “I will end up in the hospital soon if I don’t get this under control.”

Today I feel like I’m floating. I sit in a parking lot hugging the sun. A ball of desperation has been growing in my throat causing my voice to be crackly. My body has been weak & riddled with pain. I’ve wanted to kill people all the live long day. The pain has seeped down from my head through my body and into my soul. My thoughts are tainted. They are often not mine. I feel the tears burn my face from the inside. The screams, they live in my forehead. And somewhere deep inside is me trapped in a dungeon surrounded by fire on an island of hate surviving solely on ice chips. She’s going to die…

T- says I look worn down, that she can see the sadness and pain in me. Sometimes it is too great and she must look away. Sorrow runs deep.

I have so much to be thankful for. I am ashamed that people can sense or see my pain. I’m not doing it right. I’m supposed to be perfect and happy. Someone noticed last night and mentioned it. I was devastated.

I am an emotional trash compactor that rarely gets emptied. Sad, tired eyes often imply wisdom. I’d like to let it out. And take these shoes off. I want OUT. I want out.

I went to see about a debt consolidation loan on Friday and the guy talked at me for an hour. Yes, I’m not in the best situation. No, I don’t know how to fix it. I feel thoroughly TRAPPED. I think I could do it from scratch, learn, change my ways. If only I could get there. Someone please help me. (not really) I’m not wearing the right underwear.

My feet hurt.
I’m hungry.

There are so many tasks to do. They will never all be done. I just work as I can. Futile. And eat Chobani yogurt. I need a fan. (not really)

Five of my toes are numb.
I want to go home.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately mapping out how to map out my life. I’ve not had the energy to put the plan into play but it’s coming along. I need to play. And pee. I’m scared.

I need structure, achievable goals, and rewards. Music, dance, art, exercise. SLEEP. I’m a ball of need. And I just keep giving. I feel lonely, alone, even around people. I’m very bothered by things out of place. My other-energy boundaries have eroded. It all comes in. And then I seem pissy and want to kill people and they say I’m rude. Well, you try it, bitch. (deep breath)

I want to sleep and wake up feeling better. My head hurts. I’m hungry. It’s way too hot.

(sit. breathe.)

I breathe the evil out of me. Don’s off beer for 2 weeks for MOHS. We’ll see how that goes. I started NuvaRing today. I hope I don’t gain weight. If I tolerate it well I may be able to decrease or cut out a few other meds. (wave of nausea) I need meds now… Done.

I want to get a FitBit. My therapist is concerned about my sleep and I want to lose weight. I think a monitor and program will help me. Hopefully. Even as just a reminder. I want to be Me again. She is thin. She loses weight. She’s amazing.

My face, hands & feet tingle. My stomach protrudes, despite lack of food. My head hurts. I do not move, but for my hand. My eyes are weary above a faint smile. God is good. Amen.

(fall asleep)

PS – My thyroid biopsy came back normal. I’m waiting on the other one. I’m quite sick for being so healthy. I guess I’m ahead of my time.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013

Keep up the fight

10/20/12     10:50pm

So, I worked a DBSA table at the Out of the Darkness Walk today. It was fun. I went to bed early last night, which was good since my alarm went off at 4:30 this morning and I got up at five. I was dragging but awake until I had 4 pixie sticks and a mini candy bar from the table next to us. I was suddenly alive. ;) It was nice to have people there working with me, to not be alone. I’ve been relying more on other people lately while my mom’s in New York and it feels good. I’m spreading my wings, expanding my person-ness.

After the walk we went to Kansas City Barbecue and I stuffed my face and then to Seaport Village. I love food. It brings me comfort. I did something stupid though. I indulged in onion rings. I’ve been trying to stay away from onions as much as possible as they make me feel awful and interfere with my breathing. But I forgot how dreadful they make life and decided to get them anyway. Ten hours later I still feel awful. I slept for four and woke up to pee. I’m moving slowly, can’t think, head hurts, watery eyes. I thought I’d just go back to sleep but my mind started racing and I had to take a Xanax to calm down enough to read Facebook. I don’t know what’s happening. Total system shutdown. But it’s not like yesterday.

Yesterday I got in a fight with my therapist. I was already feeling overwhelmed and then a mere comment about a group he leads turned into a horribly triggering conversation. I went from feeling somewhat okay to total rage in an instant. He asked what was going on and I told him straight up I felt the need to burn down his office. We continued to argue. He checked in again and I told him I no longer cared to burn down his office, I just wanted to die. I probably would’ve tried it except that I had a two and a half hour bus ride home and by the time I got there I was exhausted and had been triggered by other things and just gave up and slept. I was thoroughly exhausted and went to bed at 9:45pm. Worked out okay since I had to get up early today. And today it was like it didn’t exist, until I was having an anxiety attack while unable to move a whole lot and started talking to him out loud in bed. It helped. I need to eventually type out my thoughts and send them to him. But for tonight, I just make notes here with my kitty asleep on my lap. I love my kitty.

Found out today that my mom will be back in a few days. I’m glad. I could use some predictability around here, even if it comes with extra house guests. If we ever go eat, don’t let me eat onion rings. I’d really like to ride a carousel. And I like my pink polka dotted shirt. It fits now. 

Well, here’s to unicorns and snowy brows. I must try to sleep now. I’m counting tomorrow as a day of rest. A day just for me. I deserve it and so do you. 

Keep up the fight.

Love, Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2012