Tag Archives: hope

The Candle

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I went to Survivors of Suicide Loss Day this weekend and everyone lit a candle in memory of their loved one(s). While the conference itself was great, it was the candle that moved me.

As I stared at it I felt & thought many things.

The Candle

5-22-10                 11:31am

  • Guilt – I’m supposed to do something to save it but I don’t want to.
  • Fear – doing something to help it will hurt me or draw attention to me.
  • Helpless – there is nothing I can do to affect the time this candle burns, what I do won’t matter, won’t make a difference.
  • Hopeless – It’s not my place
  • Life – As I watched I noticed a brown speck near the wick just twirling, a sign of life.
  • The Pain of Waiting – I don’t know when but I can’t stop it. I just wait. Like D- and the bus stop. I just want it to stop. I want to blow out the candle. Just make it stop. Please.

I’ve noticed no one else at my table is watching the candle.

When it was lit, I didn’t pay attention. As it burned, I didn’t watch. But I noticed when the white candle was completely clear. Now there’s nothing I can do but watch. If only I had noticed. There’s nothing I can do. This candle is going to kill me.

I want to protect the candle. Fear of someone blowing it out. Wondering if that would be more therapeutic.

I don’t want to eat lunch. I don’t want to leave it.

People eat lunch and talk.

I just watch…

I miss my dad…

I’m tempted to ask how long these candles burn. But no one can know.

I’m angry I can’t change it.

—

Didn’t want to leave but had a good conversation.

Automatic Thought – I shouldn’t be here.

—

Angry. Damn it! Go out candle.

—

Angry – my perspective is so different. I shouldn’t be here.

—

I forgot & went back to blow out the candle. The effect. And I walked away.

I know the people around me did not experience this candle as I did. But it was so powerful. To go through so many emotions and stages of trauma and grief in such a short time with a candle is amazing. It’s powerful and difficult but good. Thank God for the candle.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

This is My Time & I Decide

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5-24-10                 4:52pm

Just for this moment I feel peaceful, calm. I have this song in my head. It’s so powerful & true. Listen.

This is my time to shine
This is my place to find
All that I have inside
I never knew
This is my time to show
What I must have always known
That nothing’s impossible
And dreams come true.
And dreams come true.
…
Overcoming all these things
Here I finally find my wings
Now I know I’m ready to fly!

I may not be a corporate executive or a research scientist, or on Broadway or a doctor. But this is my time. I’m successful and loved. And I love myself. I am making things happen. No, God is making things happen. I’m seeing change. And I get to decide.

I have overcome a lot of things and now I use my choice to decide. Listen.

I may not have control over the outcome but I have control of my actions, the decisions I make. I decided this week to push myself. There’s only now. I’ve got nothing to lose. Everything is a choice, every choice an opportunity.

I get to decide to stay in my house and feel bad or go out. I ate goat cheese yesterday, and golden beets, and cucumber. Wow. I never try new things. And I liked it. I liked being eagerly uncomfortable and the tremendous feeling of success.

This is my time to realize that I can make a difference and that there IS power in persistence. I’m tied to little. All I have is time.

I decide today to go out with the guy who’s not dark and twisted, the one who scares me with his normalcy. And makes me smile. Because I want to. I decide to go out by myself and eat good food and take in great music just because. I deserve it. I decide not to let myself fester, not to lose this momentum by being idle. I decide to take care of myself and to take chances. And to sleep. Cuz I get to decide. This is my time.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

What keeps me going

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5-15-10          2am

Choir, FB, music, Malan, group, hugs, getting out of my house, texts from Sacha, movies, friends who aren’t idiots, texting those friends about the ones who are, my therapist, sleep, people who surprise me with their kindness, writing, and lots of burritos. And ramen, and drugs, and a good sense of humor. Musicals. Gosh, they’re wonderful. :) People who know what I’m talking about. Sing-a-longs. People who ALSO randomly sing and dance in public.

I’m listening to the “Avenue Q” soundtrack. I LOVE it. Makes me smile. :) I like this pink color too. It’s soft and fuzzy. I love that after a really crazy hard day I can sit here and type soft pink fuzzy letters while listening to “If You Were Gay” and smile until my face hurts and bounce in my chair. (big sigh) The good moments in life. :) They are what keep me going. Appreciating so deeply the special people in my life. Knowing there’s only now. (zap) Yes, only now. And now. And now. (big smile) I love musicals.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

Help & A Magic Dress

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5-11-10                 6:04pm

M- posted this this morning:

What would you do if you knew someone needed your help, but you knew there was nothing you could do to help?

I’ve been thinking about it all day.

I find myself in that position often. So many people want or need my help, but I often don’t have it to give. I pray. And call my contacts. I have an extensive network of colleagues and resources. I usually know someone who can help or know someone who does. But there are situations that can’t be fixed, hearts that can’t be mended, questions that have no answers.

The short answer is – I pray. And I hurt. I have to accept there is nothing I can do. It’s not easy. And sometimes there is something I could do but it would hurt me to do it and I have to say no. And sometimes I have the perfect solution but it’s not my problem to fix.

Helping people is tricky. Many times I find what people are looking for is not a solution but comfort. Someone who will listen, a hug, a note just to say you care. For me, just being near people who mean a lot to me helps. Like Sacha. Her voice and her presence, for the most part, are calming to me. If there’s nothing I can do, it’s not my help they need.

I run a non-profit support organization for people with mood disorders and their friends and family. I see a lot of people in crisis. I get 3am phone calls, emails and texts 24/7. I’m the designated crisis person because I know what to do, what to say, who to call or not call and why. But it takes a serious toll on me. And it’s taken many years to realize that I can’t save them all. It’s not my responsibility. Does it hurt me to watch some suffer? You bet. But, for my own sake, I can’t save them all.

So I do what I can do, what I’m willing to, and I pray. God, please hold this person. They’re hurting and there’s nothing I can do. Then I make sure I have the support and comfort I need. Helplessness eats at me, especially if who I can’t help is special to me.

I also find it frustrating when I’m the one asking for help and there are no answers, there is no response. It would be nice sometime to find someone like me who will do everything in their power to find an answer. Until then I pray, and write, and sing, and accept, and help people. Every day.

—–

5-12-10                 2:17am

I love what he said later: “I just wish I could make a magic dress that when worn would heal anyone of sickness or woe.”

That would be such a beautiful dress. I close my eyes and smile just to think of it… Makes me feel light yellow and reminds me of the little yellow house I dreamed someday to own. :) I don’t know of a dress that can heal but the one I bought for my birthday this year made woes goes away for awhile. I was still sick but when I wore that dress I felt beautiful. And that feeling, that feeling like I was worth it and could conquer the world, won out for awhile. Just one night. I remember that feeling. It didn’t matter that I was sick. I just felt good. I didn’t want to take it off…

Tonight it makes me wonder why if everyone’s searching for the answers we haven’t found them yet. I don’t know. A magic dress. Why not? Are clinical trials required for healing articles of clothing? Hmmm… Sign me up! :)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

The Key to My Heart

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4-29-10                 3:30am

I ordered Malan Breton’s La clé de mon Coeur (The Key to My Heart) necklace a few weeks ago. I wrote this reflection when I opened it on Sunday and sent it to him.

Dear Malan,

My necklace came today. It’s very arrival brightened my day. Opening it was savory, like a chocolate-dipped strawberry. I took pictures along the way. It reminded me of the excitement of opening my Tiffany bracelet. I hope that’s not offensive.

I stared at the envelope for awhile. I love how the label is handwritten in beautiful script, just for me. Like Charlie opening the Wonka Bar and finding the last golden ticket, I peered cautiously inside. Such a simple box with a straight label. Perfection. I can’t quite tell if the point of the M ends just in line with its legs or below. It intrigues me. I’m so glad I decided to buy this necklace.

I watched it for awhile, muted the tv to appreciate its beauty. The way the curved part is rounded on top and flat near you, the shine, how it felt in my hand. So dainty. When I put it on, I felt special.

Everything has a meaning. Putting on this necklace is not just putting on a necklace. It sits at the perfect spot. Not too heavy. Just enough weight to remind me I’m wearing something beautiful. And that I’m beautiful even when I don’t believe it. The chain sparkles when it catches the light. This key reminds me there still is hope, that there’s still a part of me that sees past this, that still believes. There’s a little of your spirit in the key helping me. Thanks…

It was later followed by this.

The necklace reminds me today that I have something special that no one else has, that I too am a key. There are things only I can open and without me those treasures are forever locked away. It’s like magic. Makes me want to discover what they are.

Every day I seem to learn more. I’ll forget it’s there and am pleasantly reminded in the mirror. I shared my thoughts about it in a group on Monday and they appreciated it. I felt awful the other night and remember thinking I should take it off, that I don’t deserve to wear it. And I stopped myself because I knew that if I took it off for that reason that I wouldn’t put it back on.

It’s not often I find hope in a piece of jewelry, but there are certain pieces that define specific times in my life. My star earrings, my aquamarine ring, the engagement band I bought when I tested negative for HD, the necklace that matches Sarah’s. Eventually the meanings fade and they find their way to my jewelry box. But for now, it’s La clé de mon Coeur. A reminder that I’m worth it, to believe when no one else does, and that it really will be okay. Thanks, Malan.

If you’d like your own La clé de mon Coeur you can buy it at http://malanbreton.com/coeur.html. It is a limited edition item and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to Care & Share India.

The Key to My Heart - Image from http://malanbreton.com/coeur.html