12/30/11     3:42am

I just realized what that safe feeling is. Trust. I read through a note I wrote tonight and at the end said, “I trust you.”

I don’t trust very many people. I rarely feel safe. Is trust what makes me feel safe?

People I Trust/Feel Safe With:

  • Dr. N
  • Dr. T
  • Scotty
  • God
  • Jane
  • My Mom and Aunt
  • M-
  • SPS
  • Chuck

I would put my life in their hands. Walk on the water, not flinch.

It takes a LOT to earn my trust, in action and in energy. I am loyal to those I trust. For them I would do anything. They usually aren’t as loyal back to me. Once a person has betrayed this sacred trust they fall out of sorts with me. Kinda like purgatory. S-, S-, T. The “perfect person” has all my trust, and usually breaks my heart. But there are a few safe people I’ll always trust, or want to trust, no matter how bad they hurt me.

Trust. I should think more about this. I certainly don’t trust myself. In some situations I am very sure, but in many I just don’t trust me. Other people trust me, but I don’t trust me to make decisions for me. I don’t trust me. I don’t trust me.

Wow. 4am breakthrough. Pays to stay up late and listen to my thoughts. I should do this more often.

(break to look myself in the mirror and say “I trust you” and hug myself)

Wow. That was hard. And powerful. I think I’ll try it with “I love you” tomorrow. What a night.


© Michelle Routhieaux 2011

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