12-21-11 10pm
Seeing happy people makes me really sad.
I sang at Sea World today. Major stress getting everything organized but the singing part was fun. Now I’m crashing – exhausted and sad.
There is a person who works the event that I really like. He is gay and taken, but I like him anyway. He has such a warm energy. I just watch him and I dream. Lately I feel very homely. I’m not sure if that’s the right word. I’m getting old. My life time is kicking in. I want to settle down. I want a partner. I want a family. I want to feel warm and safe, not as a child but a me. And when I see people like this guy, I wish I had one just like him in my life.
(Breathing…) But, I am me.
For some reason that cannot be. I don’t understand and I feel angry. And I eat more Chinese food. Then I just feel sad… So sad. That sad where everything is quiet and the tears don’t roll down my face. Even bad people have families. Why not me?
Happy people make me sad.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2011
Writing Towards Happy 
I’ve often fallen for gay guys, especially ones that are charming and sweet, so I understand that part. I used to think I’d be alone forever, I would drink a lot with my friends and then end up crying that I was going to be alone. I do hope that no matter what is going on with you that you can find hope for someone special in your life. You are beautiful and talented and you are that person full of energy and light that others are drawn to. So what you saw in that guy is what you are. (not a gay unavailable man btw lol)
Lol. Thanks, Traci. I’d like to marry a gay guy. I’ve thought about the details. I think it would be good for me. I had a crush on this guy in high school (he was my dance partner) for like 4 years. He dated and slept with my friend. I questioned his straightness and he lied to my face. Ugh. I don’t want to be with someone because I don’t want to be alone. I want to feel loved and more independent. So complicated. I talked with my therapist about it today and somehow it turned into a long conversation about why I don’t have a driver’s license. ??? Whatever. Hugs!