10-24-10              2am

On Friday I took the trolley to my usual spot for music. The music was great but my experience was marred by pesky unrealities to most of the world. I knew at the first thought that something was wrong. It was a good thought though. This is my journal’s account from then until now.

10-22-10              7:04pm

Automatic Thought: I am a miracle. :)

I’m riding the trolley to see -. Got my mind on autopilot with my ipod. Good music. Good weather. I feel calm, and happy. I think content is a better word. A pleasant calm, contentness. I was really mad at Ken today, but in this moment I just feel good.

Today I woke up from the strangest dream. It was scary and disturbing. I want to write but I need to just listen. I’m off.

7:13pm

I feel bulletproof & transparent, like if I put my arms out I could rise up and fly, hover. Impenetrable. Safe. Unfazed. Nothing can touch me.

8:05pm

Mind still floating.
Wide eyes.
Heart strong but not fast.
Body – nervous. Mind – mostly calm.

8:17pm

Just listened to S- & C- talk in the bathroom. Nothing changed. I still feel invisible here – not translucent but not part of them. J- is sufficiently obsessed with me.

*The Very Thought of You
– black fountain ink pens and purple
– ice skaters dancing and painting the sky

9:02pm

Cold sweat
Slightly confused
My insides are tense but my outsides are not.
My hair is bugging me on my neck.
Just ordered fries and pickles.

10:35pm

My thighs hurt – it’s like they’re constantly contracted.
It hurts my face to smile.

10:51pm

Insides tight.
Barely breathing.

11:51pm

General sense of impending doom.
Hard to stay conscious.
Hard to stay upright.
Exhausted
Shaky/trembling
Must consciously thinking about breathing
Cold sweat
Headache
Tongue out randomly
Nose twitching
Peeing all night.
Need to get home NOW.

(Thinking at the music – Just make it stop.)

Predict: Zap storm, many hours sleep, and/or migraine.

Ipod and coat on trolley home.

12:06am (on the trolley)

It’s like freefalling backwards into a Wonderland of memories.

Exhausted but don’t want to blink.
Feeling hot.
Want to take all my clothes off.
Neck clicking again – veins on right

12:15am

Want to walk & walk & walk.
And DANCE.

Safe – I don’t feel safe. And I don’t know what’s going on. I wish I was with someone. I just want to feel safe.

12:35am

Tired
Sad
Pain over right eye
Want to sit in warm water to relax
Lower back tight
So tired.

12:45am

Mini-face storm
Eyes squeeze shut

12:49am

Exhausted

12:53am

Freezing cold – shivering
Trembling
Nose running

1:01am

Rocking back and forth
Cookie & Milk
Eyes closed lightly – too much light

10-23-10              1:31pm

Just woke up. Still feel zoned out and tired but my head doesn’t hurt.

9:48pm

Residual effects:

Some movements – mostly facial, some large jerks
Trouble swallowing
Olfactory hallucinations
Confusion
Cravings
Tired
Headache is back

I went shopping/returning at the mall today. I feel much better than yesterday but I’m still not feeling normal or baseline again.

(sigh) What a Friday night.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010