On Friday I took the trolley to my usual spot for music. The music was great but my experience was marred by pesky unrealities to most of the world. I knew at the first thought that something was wrong. It was a good thought though. This is my journal’s account from then until now.
Automatic Thought: I am a miracle. :)
I’m riding the trolley to see -. Got my mind on autopilot with my ipod. Good music. Good weather. I feel calm, and happy. I think content is a better word. A pleasant calm, contentness. I was really mad at Ken today, but in this moment I just feel good.
Today I woke up from the strangest dream. It was scary and disturbing. I want to write but I need to just listen. I’m off.
I feel bulletproof & transparent, like if I put my arms out I could rise up and fly, hover. Impenetrable. Safe. Unfazed. Nothing can touch me.
Mind still floating.
Heart strong but not fast.
Body – nervous. Mind – mostly calm.
Just listened to S- & C- talk in the bathroom. Nothing changed. I still feel invisible here – not translucent but not part of them. J- is sufficiently obsessed with me.
*The Very Thought of You
– black fountain ink pens and purple
– ice skaters dancing and painting the sky
My insides are tense but my outsides are not.
My hair is bugging me on my neck.
Just ordered fries and pickles.
My thighs hurt – it’s like they’re constantly contracted.
It hurts my face to smile.
General sense of impending doom.
Hard to stay conscious.
Hard to stay upright.
Must consciously thinking about breathing
Tongue out randomly
Peeing all night.
Need to get home NOW.
(Thinking at the music – Just make it stop.)
Predict: Zap storm, many hours sleep, and/or migraine.
Ipod and coat on trolley home.
12:06am (on the trolley)
It’s like freefalling backwards into a Wonderland of memories.
Exhausted but don’t want to blink.
Want to take all my clothes off.
Neck clicking again – veins on right
Want to walk & walk & walk.
Safe – I don’t feel safe. And I don’t know what’s going on. I wish I was with someone. I just want to feel safe.
Pain over right eye
Want to sit in warm water to relax
Lower back tight
Eyes squeeze shut
Freezing cold – shivering
Rocking back and forth
Cookie & Milk
Eyes closed lightly – too much light
Just woke up. Still feel zoned out and tired but my head doesn’t hurt.
Some movements – mostly facial, some large jerks
Headache is back
I went shopping/returning at the mall today. I feel much better than yesterday but I’m still not feeling normal or baseline again.
(sigh) What a Friday night.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2010