4-23-10                 2:23am

I had a rough night tonight. Wonderful but difficult. Today I nailed jelly to a tree, which I was quite happy about. On cloud 9. I got dressed up for the screening tonight, the West Coast premiere of “The Misunderstood Epidemic: Depression,” a documentary made by my good friend Susan Polis Schutz. I was excited to see Stan. He makes me happy and I got to sit next to him. There was mingling and food. I felt at home.

The documentary was great. It was powerful. Almost too powerful. I think it was one of the longest 52 minutes of my life. Not because it was bad but because it was a trigger. It covered every aspect of depression and families and treatment and life. I was caught off guard by the very small part I had in it, not by what I said by what I looked like. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight since it was filmed last year and I just felt fat and really ugly. And really glad that’s not me anymore.

My body was hurting. I needed to stand up and stretch but I really couldn’t so I squirmed around in my seat. When it was over they went straight into the panel, which was equally as exciting and triggering. My heart was racing and I kept zapping and jerking and shaking. My anxiety was so high. I took a Xanax and brought out the Play-Doh. It was comforting when Stan said he loves the smell of Play-Doh. Me too. I just needed to get out of there. I needed a hug and someone’s shoulder to put my head on. It’s a lot.

I’m home now. My heart beats slightly slower but not much, because when we got home my mom started searching for the tapes of Susan’s interviews with us. She couldn’t find those interviews but she found the DVDs of the 3 hour group I led that was taped for the film. And she put the first DVD in. I didn’t want to see it. I still don’t. But I sat there to watch. (breathe…) It’s too much. Too real. There isn’t a pill or a teddy bear that can take that away. No amount of hours on FB or scoops of chocolate ice cream. No amount of fantasy can make that go away.

I love that I’m good at what I do. I love that I’ve made a name for myself in the mental health community. People know who I am and what I do and I’m respected. I feel honored to know the people at the top of the game and to call them my friends and partners in crime. But that doesn’t mean I want to be there. I don’t WANT to have these diseases. I don’t WANT to know almost everyone in that film and their story and where they’re sitting and why they’re crying. It’s painful. I don’t want to know that in me. I just want someone to hold me.

Tonight I end a very good day feeling sad. And that’s okay. I just need someone to feel sad with. OCD group tomorrow night. 16 hours away. (deep breath) I’ve got to find something to do that’s out of my kitchen and not work. Gosh, it’s cold.

I’m grateful tonight for getting to spend time with Stan and for Susan’s premiere being a success, for getting to meet her daughter and see her son again and meet his partner. I’m grateful for awesome free food and FB. I need to sleep. This picture’s of me and Stan tonight.

Me & Stan at the screening tonight