Update from the Farm

11-8-15     2:55pm

I want to die. There is no simpler way to put it. I’ve been in the hospital since Sunday night. After two days of Hell with a doctor who yelled at and literally threatened me I got a really great doctor who is working very closely with me to try and make me better, or at least less close to death. He listens to me and reads my journal and talks about what actually matters instead of bullshit. He changed one med this week but I think it’s making me worse instead of better. I’m more “withdrawn, depressed and apathetic” according to my nurse.

I want to get better. I just also want to die. Quite the dialectic. A lot of stuff is going on in my life, both good and bad, and I’m tired. I am soul weary and worn. There is barely anything left in me. 10 of the 12 days before I came here I came closer than ever to suicide. I don’t care about almost anything. It’s not that I don’t genuinely care about and love my friends and family, adore and protect the girls, desire for nothing more than to lead my group to greatness. I just don’t have it in me right now. It hurts to be alive. I’m using skills. I’m trying. I’m alive. The people who’ve seen me are concerned. I am too.

During the midst of all this a group member decided to try to oust me as President of my group. I did not need that. I was supposed to have a family session with my mom and the social worker yesterday but the social worker never showed up. I tried to have the conversation with my mom anyway. It wasn’t so successful. She says she’ll do anything for me but when I called today to ask for something she was busy. She’s going to the Garth Brooks concert tonight. We were supposed to go together. I want to die.

My nurse today told me suicide is the most selfish act and that sometimes we need to be more selfless. I don’t think that’s true. I spend most of my time giving selflessly to others. I don’t do much for myself. Suicide would be the ultimate selfish act, me choosing to do one final thing for me. People can’t understand that.

I want to not want to die. I want to believe there is a reason for my living other than helping others. I want to be free. I want to believe I can be. Right now I just want to die. I pray for God to take me home and make bracelets with positive phrases to wear just to get me through the day. Am I concerned? Yes. Am I safe? Yes. Do I want to be? No.

It’s been a long year and I’ve done everything in my power to cope and push ahead anyway. I can’t do this anymore now. I want to die. I miss Dr. N. Maybe some sunshine or a nap.

Sorry for the dreary update. I just don’t have anything positive to share right now. I wanted to touch base. I appreciate you reading.

Love, Michelle

© Michelle Routhieaux 2015

2 thoughts on “Update from the Farm

  1. I really should read more, especially of the things that you write. You can articulate unimaginably difficult feelings and situations with such ease that I am amazed. I think that you owe it to yourself to put all of the relevant writings into a book. And I use the term “owe” in anticipation of the positive recognition that you will hopefully receive. I would almost go so far as to say that your book would become required reading for doctors who are going into the psychiatry. You are an incredible young lady with amazing talents and it would be such a huge loss to lose you when there’s the possibility of something as simple as a medication change to turn things into something that is more manageable overall. I suppose that is true for most people that “take the selfish and easy way out”. I know intimately how you are feeling (or close) because I have lived nearly 1/3 of my life on the edge. And I know that when people say things like that that they haven’t been living on the edge as long. The immeasurable amount of pain and anguish that shows itself in times such as when we go to “the spa”, feels more like we are just showing mercy towards ourselves. It is difficult to think of others in times such as those since our eyes are clouded with the pain and it is tough to see clearly through the tears. I wish you the best and that your new doctor can help you. And what is with the jerk that you had before? Are the copying the police with the “good cop/bad cop” thing? Good doctor/bad doctor? I’d like to see them explain that to the insurance company! Also, it is humbling to say that I look up to someone who is younger than me but you certainly deserve it! Much love.

  2. Michelle,

    How can I help you? I have been right where you are I get it! If you can have visitors please let me know I’ll be there I’ll listen, share whatever it is you need…I’m here!


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